I once fell in love with a melon farmerβs daughter. But when I asked if she wanted to run away and get married in secret, she turned me down.
She told me she cantaloupe.
π︎ 21
π
︎ May 22 2021
Imagine if Aladdin took place in Italy and when he finally finds the lamp and gives it a good rub, out pops...
π︎ 17
π
︎ May 04 2021
If youβre Russian when you go in the washroom and youβre Finnish when you come out, what are you when youβre in there?
π︎ 4
π
︎ May 05 2021
I was walking past the river today and this guy asked me if his rod looked good. Then, he asked if I liked his net. When he continued on and asked if I was impressed by the amount of fish he had caught, I finally lost it and shouted...
"Hey buddy, quit fishing for compliments!"
π︎ 133
π
︎ Jan 24 2021
A man called 911 after his 76 year old mother wandered out of the family home during the night. When asked what she had been wearing and if she had any personally identifying features about her, he advised she was barefoot, half naked and had a visible scar from her hysterectomy.
The dispatcher replied, βSo... no shirt, no shoes, no cervix?β
π︎ 35
π
︎ Mar 13 2021
Correct me if Iβm wrong, but due to the ongoing pandemic, would it be smart to stay at least 6ft away from the chips and dip when visiting a Mexican restaurant?
You know, Salsa Distancing.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Feb 24 2021
My wife was hurrying me along and asking when things were going to be done so I asked her if she was my clone from Moscow. She looked confused and said "No, why?"
I said "Because you're Russian me."
π︎ 93
π
︎ Dec 20 2020
Given that a case of the sniffles means staying home from school, we give my daughter a daily allergy medicine. My wife was giving her breakfast before school, and when I walked out, I asked if sheβd had her medicine yet.
My daughter said yes, and I replied, βSo youβre de-Claritin that youβve had it already?β
π︎ 42
π
︎ Jan 17 2021
If you were a russian when you went in the bathroom and a finnish when you left, what were you in the bathroom?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Feb 27 2021
My wife asked me if I experimented with sex and drugs when I was in high school.
I said, βYes, but I was part of the control group.β
π︎ 182
π
︎ Nov 19 2020
If you're American when you go in the bathroom and American when you come out of the bathroom, what are you while you're in the bathroom?
π︎ 30
π
︎ Sep 17 2020
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight, when one draws a line in the dirt and slurs, βIf you cross this, Iβll hit you in the face.β
/r/Jokes/comments/jx9abu/β¦
π︎ 4
π
︎ Nov 19 2020
So I was buying cheese the other day when the clerk came out with a large wheel. Problem is, they tripped, landing on the wheel and crushed it. He asked if I still wanted it. I said no. He asked why.
I simple told him "It's no Gouda!"
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 08 2020
I was watching a live performance when the floor gave way and one of the actors fell through. My wife asked if I thought they were ok.
I said Iβm sure theyβre fine, itβs just a stage theyβre going through.
π︎ 18
π
︎ Sep 22 2020
Got told this one is scouts a long time ago. If youβre Russian when youβre walking in the bathroom and German when you come out, what are you while youβre in the bathroom?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jul 03 2020
A pirate is transported to modern day and stumbles upon a lumber mill while looking for work. When the pirate is asked if he knows how to use any of the tools...
π︎ 10
π
︎ Apr 14 2020
I remember when I once had a friends named Eni. We were best friends until one day, she gossiped about me and stopped hanging out with me. The following day, a teacher asked me if a had any friends,
I responded with βNo, not Eni.β
π︎ 2
π
︎ May 14 2020
I like to keep a photo of the Sun on my phone. When people ask me if I have any kids, I start telling 'em about my son and how bright he is. I then pull out the phone to show them the photo.
π︎ 223
π
︎ Dec 02 2018
If you're American when you enter the toilet, and American when you exit the toilet, what are you while you're inside the toilet?
π︎ 14
π
︎ May 27 2019
Will Will Smith smith? And if Will Smith will smith, when will Will Smith smith?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Aug 16 2019
A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich. When he receives the check, he pulls out a gun, fires it several times, then walks out the door. If you don't get it look up "panda" in the dictionary ...
"Panda: A large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China; eats shoots and leaves."
Since today Merriam Webster even has the word dad joke:
"a wholesome joke of the type said to be told by fathers with a punchline that is often an obvious or predictable pun or play on words and usually judged to be endearingly corny or unfunny"
π︎ 10
π
︎ Sep 18 2019
Stopped by to get gas after my trip to Germany, and when the pump asked if I wanted a receipt
The nine button wasnβt working.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Sep 25 2019
My daughter today asked me if they're called sandals because when you wear them you get sand all in between your toes and I am a very proud dad at the moment.
π︎ 28
π
︎ Jun 07 2019
So I was scrambling some eggs this morning and if you know me, I like my eggs real scrambled. So I was going at these eggs hard, using all of my muscle to whisk these bad boys, when suddenly my arm goes numb and I passed out.
I guess you could say I βover-eggxertedβ myself.
π︎ 23
π
︎ Jan 14 2019
My wife asked me, βCould you go to the store and buy one gallon of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.β When I came home with 6 gallons of milk, she shrieked, βWhy in the world did you buy 6 gallons of milk!?β
I replied, βThey had avocados.β
π︎ 308
π
︎ Mar 24 2018
You know when someone walks past you and you catch a bit of their conversation? Even if it is feckin weird? Well....
So I was waiting in the car while my parents were waving off my sister to go on a school trip.
Iβm on my phone, chilling out when I suddenly see a girl of about 4 or 5 with her mother walking past. They are talking but all I catch is the little girl saying:
βThe wedding was so emotional, even the cake was crying!β
I found this hilarious, and later passed it on to my father who then said
βIf the little girl wanted to be smart, she should of said βthe cake was in tearsββ (as in tiers of a cake)
I just face palmed at this moment
π€¦π»ββοΈ
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jul 13 2019
If youβre struggling to think of what to get someone for Christmas. Get them a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.
π︎ 68
π
︎ Sep 26 2018
A man walks into a bar looking depressed. Bar tender asks whats wrong? Man says its his 50th wedding anniversary. And that when he was a teenager he got his girl friend pregnant. And to make it worse the father was a Judge and he told me if i did'nt marry his daughter i would go to Jail for 50 year
Today I could be a free man !
π︎ 11
π
︎ Dec 23 2018
My dad bought me a condom when i turned 18. The cashier asked if we needed a bag and my dad replied
π︎ 101
π
︎ Mar 26 2018
I asked my friend if he wanted to see that new Stephen King movie adaptation and it felt like a betrayal when he declined.
"It 2, Brute?" I had asked.
π︎ 5
π
︎ May 11 2019
When I asked my dad if he thought it was a good idea to switch my diet to one consisting mainly of almonds, cashews and macadamias...
He just shrugged and said, itβs ok, go nuts
π︎ 15
π
︎ Oct 29 2018
When I was in the vegetable section at the grocery store, a girl came up to me and asked if she saw me at the vegetarian club..
..but I don't think I've ever seen herbivore.
π︎ 3
π
︎ May 04 2019
I asked my wife if I should have an open casket when I die and she shrugged...
βHey, itβs your funeralβ
π︎ 2
π
︎ Mar 14 2019
What good when it's bad, and bad if it's good?
π︎ 11
π
︎ Sep 17 2018
If you're Canadian when you go into the bathroom and again when you come out.. What are you whilst you're in there?
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jul 02 2020
If you're American when you go in the restroom and you're American when you come out. What are you when you're in the rest room?
π︎ 938
π
︎ Nov 06 2018
If you Russian going in the bathroom and your Finnish when you leave the bathroom. What are you when you in the Bathroom?
π︎ 10
π
︎ Apr 11 2020
If youβre an American when you go into the bathroom, and youβre an American when you come out, what are you while youβre in there?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Dec 07 2019
If your Russian to the bathroom and Finnish when you leave the bathroom, what are you in the bathroom?
π︎ 14
π
︎ Dec 13 2018
If you're Russian to get to the bathroom, and youre Finnish when you leave, what are you when youre IN the bathroom?
π︎ 36
π
︎ Dec 07 2018
If your Russian before you go into the bathroom and American when you leave the bathroom. What are you in the bathroom?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Feb 16 2019
(Old gold) if youβre Russian when you go into the bathroom and Finnish after youβre done. What are you while youβre in the bathroom?
π︎ 25
π
︎ Dec 05 2018
If you're American when you go in the bathroom , and American when you come out, what are you while you're in the bathroom?
π︎ 39
π
︎ Jun 04 2017
If you're American before you enter the bathroom and American when you come out, what are you when you're inside the bathroom?
π︎ 58
π
︎ Sep 20 2016
If you are american when you enter the bathroom and american when you leave what are you in the bathroom?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jul 20 2018
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