What does a clock do when it’s hungry?
It goes back four seconds.
My wife asked me, “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating!?”
So I took her to dinner and a movie then dropped her off at her parents’ house...
What do you get when you eat 3.14 cakes?
You get fat. What, were you expecting a pi joke? Reddit doesn’t have pie days!
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
I hate it when my wife says "Are you listening to me?!"
Such a random way to start a conversation.
What do you do when you’re addicted to seaweed?
How come the Hulk doesn’t lose his pants when he transforms?
The scientific experiments altered his jeans
My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. "What are you doing?" she asked him. "I'm going to have a bake sale to buy a car," he answered. "Where on earth did you get that idea? We're in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!" He said...
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
What did 50Cent do when he got hungry?
*This is a literal Dad Joke my father used to tell when I was a kid about 30 years ago. He's almost 80 now and it still makes him laugh.* - So, there was this man named James Fart. Everybody made fun of him since he was very young. "James Fart! James Fart" the bullies used to make him cry...
He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:
-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!
Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.
-Ok, so... your current name is.. ·chuckles· James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...
-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.
After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.
-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?
-Charles Fart.
My son said, “Dad, when you were young, was the landline the only way you could communicate with each other?”
I said, “No. Get your fax straight.”
A guy is walking through the woods one day when he comes across a suitcase. He takes a look inside, only to find a fox and her cubs. So he calls the ASPCA and tells the woman who answers what he’s found...
She says, “Oh, that’s horrible. Are they moving?”
The guy replies, “I don’t know, but that would explain the suitcase.”
My wife found I was cheating when she saw the letters I was hiding
After that she refuses to play Scrabble with me ever again
What is it called when you die and are born again as a hillbilly?
When people think of calculators they think the buttons are the most important thing
But it's what's inside that counts
A man is sitting in the hospital with his newborn baby when his own father walks in.
Father: "So, how does it feel being a dad?"
Son: "It feels good. I'm a bit scared of course, but so excited at the same time. How does it feel being a grandfather?"
Father: "It feels pretty great. You've always been a good son and I've been patiently waiting for this special moment. There's something now that I have to give you."
The son watches curiously as his father pulls a large tome out of his backpack with exquisite text on the cover: 'The Big Book of Dad Jokes'.
Father: " For generations these sacred texts have been passed down through the patriarchs of our family. My father gave it to me when you were born and now, as a new father yourself, I bestow it to you. With this book you will have all the knowledge needed to become a truly great Dad."
Son: " Wow, Dad, this is amazing! Truly! I'm... I'm honored."
The father smiles as he extends his arm out to shake his son's hand and says,
"Nice to meet you, Honored. I'm Dad."
My dad told me that when he dies, he wants his ashes to be made into fireworks so he can go out with a bang.
What does a clock do when it's angry?
They all laughed when I told them that one day I would discover the secret of invisibility.
If only they could see me now.
When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, “Ha! That’s not going to help!”
“Sure, it does.” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
Ever wondered what to say to your sister when she’s crying ?
“Are you having a crisis ?”
My daughter was having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear, when she asked, “Do you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?” In my best bear voice, I replied...
“No thanks, I’m stuffed!"
I hate it when people don't know the difference between your and you're...
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
(sourced from r/Jokes by u/Deadly_R)
I accidentally played dad instead of dead when encountering a bear
Now it can ride a bike without training wheels
When does a joke turn into a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
(I'll go home now)
1 minute when she turns 62
What odd number is no longer odd when you remove a letter?
Seven. If you you remove the S it becomes even.
Heard from my nine year old three minutes ago.
I’ve never been more proud.
What happens when a Karen runs into a Boomer?
When I bought my friend an elephant for their room, they said thank you. I answered...
I had to make this when it popped into my head.
I was surprised when I caught my son smoking weed upstairs...
I never imagined my house would have a drug attic.
You know you’ve made a terrible joke when you make the math teacher completely lose it.
Teacher: “If acceleration is constant, we get all these really nice formulas. If acceleration is not constant, the math gets messy.”
Me: “You might say that for ruining the math, it’s being a jerk.”
When your vinegar is out of date
When I caught my neighbor attaching a rocket engine to a deer, I immediately reported him to the authorities.
Shame on him for trying to make a quick buck.
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
Why do spies keep working even when they're asleep ?
When typing a word-play joke, I never put extra spaces on the left.
I quit my job as a postman when they handed me my first letter to deliver.
I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”
When you die which organ is the last to go?
They eyes because they di-late
What happened to the frog when he wrecked his car ?
What did the buffalo say when his son left for college?
Two chefs are working on a meal, the first chef is caramelising onions when some spill out the pan, the second chef says “what happened? Onions can’t jump by themselves”
the first chef responds with “they can if they’re spring onions”
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
I hate when spiders kill flies, they’re such buzz killers
What do you get when you cross and elephant and a rhino?
I started taking our taco ingredients to make nachos on my plate when my kids started yelling "BUT IT'S TACO TUESDAY!"
To which I replied "This is nacho average Taco Tuesday"
When old is gold — expensive
How do you let birds know when you've refilled the bird feeder?
What did the authorities do when Barbie's boyfriend was involved in a serious car accident?
They contacted his next of Ken.
That's a damn good joke. I'm proud of that joke.
What film do you make when Batman is in trouble?
When is it time to see the dentist?
Come to us when you’re stiff
It is always make me uncomfortable when people ask about my step-ladder...
... I never even knew my real ladder
Do you know what happens when you crack an egg?
It becomes a shell of its former self.
When does a clock get hungry?
I tried using an old math book as bait when fishing
Turns out that math wasn’t the best topic for
De bait
What do snails become when they die?
What does a cow say when he's in a dogfight?
What do you call it when Batman skips church?
What does a boat do when it’s sick?
What do you call it when you question a communist?
What happens when a frog parks illegally?
What do we want? Low flying aeroplane noises. When do we want them?
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
What did 50 Cent do when he got hungry?
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
How can you tell when a joke is a 'dad joke'?
When I was younger, I was obsessed with the difference between sine and cosine.
As I got older, I realized it was just a phase.
I still remember the moment when my math professor told us what the square root of -1 was.
I was watching Netflix and eating nachos the other day, when this word came into my mind...
If you're Canadian when you go into the bathroom and again when you come out.. What are you whilst you're in there?
My son asked me, “What was your favourite music to listen to when growing up?” I said, “Led Zeppelin”.
My son: Who?
Me: Yes, they were good too.
What did the Frenchman say when presented with the finest mattress?
What do you call it when you speak two languages and start losing vocabulary in both of them?
Why did noone in the King's Court laugh when the King farted?
Because noble gases don't cause a reaction.
Credit to u/neitral-fella
r/dadjokes doesn't allow crossposting but I thought it belonged here
What happened when the chicken sees a salad.
I always have nightmares when I go camping
What do you call when a chef steals a recipe for ravioli?
I Guess the Steaks are High When You Drive Down This Road
What does u/username do when he hates the hotel he’s staying at?
A man is at home, when his girlfriend arrives, she rings the bell and then he asks:
-"Who is it?"
-"It's the love of your life"
-"Impossible! Beer doesn't speak!"
What did 50 cent do when he got hungry?
Edit: I genuinely didn’t know this was a repost my dad told it to me and I thought it was worthy.
When you think of 2020, what’s the first thing that comes to mind?
Coronavirus, right off the bat.
What did the beaver say when he slipped in water?
What happens when you put a cowboy hat on an Audi?
I ordered a thesaurus from Amazon but when it was delivered all the pages were blank.
I have no words to describe how angry I am.
When I was a child, I had trouble memorizing multiplication tables.
What do you get when you cross a hippy with a ninja?
When you clean the vaccum cleaner, you become the vaccum cleaner
What do you call a farm when none of the cows give milk?
When is a door not a door
My wife said to me: ''Why don't you treat me like you did when we were first dating?''
So I took her out to dinner, to a movie,
then I dropped her off at her parents'
place.
What do you call it when Batman skips church?
When do you know a joke is a dad joke?
When the punchline is a parent
When does a joke become a “dad joke” you ask?
When it becomes apparent.
What did 50 cent do when he got hungry?
When is a door not a door?
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
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