๐︎ 3
๐
︎ Jun 10 2008
What does a clock do when itโs hungry?
It goes back four seconds.
๐︎ 11k
๐
︎ Jun 29 2020
My wife asked me, โWhy donโt you treat me like you did when we were first dating!?โ
So I took her to dinner and a movie then dropped her off at her parentsโ house...
๐︎ 12k
๐
︎ Jul 02 2020
What do you get when you eat 3.14 cakes?
You get fat. What, were you expecting a pi joke? Reddit doesnโt have pie days!
๐︎ 12k
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︎ Jun 18 2020
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
๐︎ 10k
๐
︎ Jun 24 2020
I hate it when my wife says "Are you listening to me?!"
Such a random way to start a conversation.
๐︎ 13k
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︎ Jun 14 2020
What do you do when youโre addicted to seaweed?
๐︎ 5k
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︎ Jun 18 2020
How come the Hulk doesnโt lose his pants when he transforms?
The scientific experiments altered his jeans
๐︎ 13k
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︎ May 22 2020
My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. "What are you doing?" she asked him. "I'm going to have a bake sale to buy a car," he answered. "Where on earth did you get that idea? We're in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!" He said...
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
๐︎ 17k
๐
︎ May 06 2020
What did 50Cent do when he got hungry?
๐︎ 11k
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︎ May 17 2020
*This is a literal Dad Joke my father used to tell when I was a kid about 30 years ago. He's almost 80 now and it still makes him laugh.* - So, there was this man named James Fart. Everybody made fun of him since he was very young. "James Fart! James Fart" the bullies used to make him cry...
He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:
-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!
Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.
-Ok, so... your current name is.. ยทchucklesยท James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...
-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.
After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.
-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?
-Charles Fart.
๐︎ 8k
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︎ May 06 2020
My son said, โDad, when you were young, was the landline the only way you could communicate with each other?โ
I said, โNo. Get your fax straight.โ
๐︎ 1k
๐
︎ Jun 21 2020
A guy is walking through the woods one day when he comes across a suitcase. He takes a look inside, only to find a fox and her cubs. So he calls the ASPCA and tells the woman who answers what heโs found...
She says, โOh, thatโs horrible. Are they moving?โ
The guy replies, โI donโt know, but that would explain the suitcase.โ
๐︎ 445
๐
︎ Jun 30 2020
My wife found I was cheating when she saw the letters I was hiding
After that she refuses to play Scrabble with me ever again
๐︎ 421
๐
︎ Jun 25 2020
What is it called when you die and are born again as a hillbilly?
๐︎ 341
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︎ Jun 26 2020
When people think of calculators they think the buttons are the most important thing
But it's what's inside that counts
๐︎ 12k
๐
︎ Apr 23 2020
A man is sitting in the hospital with his newborn baby when his own father walks in.
Father: "So, how does it feel being a dad?"
Son: "It feels good. I'm a bit scared of course, but so excited at the same time. How does it feel being a grandfather?"
Father: "It feels pretty great. You've always been a good son and I've been patiently waiting for this special moment. There's something now that I have to give you."
The son watches curiously as his father pulls a large tome out of his backpack with exquisite text on the cover: 'The Big Book of Dad Jokes'.
Father: " For generations these sacred texts have been passed down through the patriarchs of our family. My father gave it to me when you were born and now, as a new father yourself, I bestow it to you. With this book you will have all the knowledge needed to become a truly great Dad."
Son: " Wow, Dad, this is amazing! Truly! I'm... I'm honored."
The father smiles as he extends his arm out to shake his son's hand and says,
"Nice to meet you, Honored. I'm Dad."
๐︎ 217
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︎ Jul 01 2020
My dad told me that when he dies, he wants his ashes to be made into fireworks so he can go out with a bang.
๐︎ 207
๐
︎ Jul 05 2020
What does a clock do when it's angry?
๐︎ 128
๐
︎ Jun 29 2020
They all laughed when I told them that one day I would discover the secret of invisibility.
If only they could see me now.
๐︎ 372
๐
︎ Jun 29 2020
When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, โHa! Thatโs not going to help!โ
โSure, it does.โ I said. โItโs the only way I can see the numbers.โ
๐︎ 14k
๐
︎ Apr 06 2020
Ever wondered what to say to your sister when sheโs crying ?
โAre you having a crisis ?โ
๐︎ 9k
๐
︎ Apr 18 2020
My daughter was having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear, when she asked, โDo you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?โ In my best bear voice, I replied...
โNo thanks, Iโm stuffed!"
๐︎ 10k
๐
︎ Apr 20 2020
I hate it when people don't know the difference between your and you're...
๐︎ 36
๐
︎ Jul 06 2020
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
(sourced from r/Jokes by u/Deadly_R)
๐︎ 113
๐
︎ Jun 24 2020
I accidentally played dad instead of dead when encountering a bear
Now it can ride a bike without training wheels
๐︎ 97
๐
︎ Jun 27 2020
When does a joke turn into a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
(I'll go home now)
๐︎ 101
๐
︎ Jun 21 2020
1 minute when she turns 62
๐︎ 463
๐
︎ May 17 2020
What odd number is no longer odd when you remove a letter?
Seven. If you you remove the S it becomes even.
Heard from my nine year old three minutes ago.
Iโve never been more proud.
๐︎ 9k
๐
︎ Mar 31 2020
What happens when a Karen runs into a Boomer?
๐︎ 62
๐
︎ Jun 26 2020
When I bought my friend an elephant for their room, they said thank you. I answered...
โDonโt mention it.โ
๐︎ 37
๐
︎ Jun 25 2020
I had to make this when it popped into my head.
๐︎ 32
๐
︎ Jul 06 2020
I was surprised when I caught my son smoking weed upstairs...
I never imagined my house would have a drug attic.
๐︎ 161
๐
︎ Jun 06 2020
You know youโve made a terrible joke when you make the math teacher completely lose it.
Teacher: โIf acceleration is constant, we get all these really nice formulas. If acceleration is not constant, the math gets messy.โ
Me: โYou might say that for ruining the math, itโs being a jerk.โ
๐︎ 38
๐
︎ Jun 26 2020
When your vinegar is out of date
๐︎ 9
๐
︎ Jul 02 2020
When I caught my neighbor attaching a rocket engine to a deer, I immediately reported him to the authorities.
Shame on him for trying to make a quick buck.
๐︎ 11k
๐
︎ Mar 29 2020
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
๐︎ 112
๐
︎ Jun 27 2020
Why do spies keep working even when they're asleep ?
๐︎ 59
๐
︎ Jun 22 2020
When typing a word-play joke, I never put extra spaces on the left.
๐︎ 42
๐
︎ Jul 02 2020
I quit my job as a postman when they handed me my first letter to deliver.
I looked at it and thought, โThis isnโt for me.โ
๐︎ 325
๐
︎ May 28 2020
When you die which organ is the last to go?
They eyes because they di-late
๐︎ 70
๐
︎ Jun 25 2020
What happened to the frog when he wrecked his car ?
๐︎ 31
๐
︎ Jun 27 2020
What did the buffalo say when his son left for college?
๐︎ 110
๐
︎ Jun 12 2020
Two chefs are working on a meal, the first chef is caramelising onions when some spill out the pan, the second chef says โwhat happened? Onions canโt jump by themselvesโ
the first chef responds with โthey can if theyโre spring onionsโ
๐︎ 17
๐
︎ Jul 06 2020
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
๐︎ 23
๐
︎ Jul 06 2020
I hate when spiders kill flies, theyโre such buzz killers
๐︎ 220
๐
︎ Jun 05 2020
What do you get when you cross and elephant and a rhino?
๐︎ 24
๐
︎ Jul 02 2020
I started taking our taco ingredients to make nachos on my plate when my kids started yelling "BUT IT'S TACO TUESDAY!"
To which I replied "This is nacho average Taco Tuesday"
๐︎ 51
๐
︎ Jun 23 2020
When old is gold โ expensive
๐︎ 18
๐
︎ Jul 01 2020
How do you let birds know when you've refilled the bird feeder?
๐︎ 106
๐
︎ Jun 24 2020
What did the authorities do when Barbie's boyfriend was involved in a serious car accident?
They contacted his next of Ken.
That's a damn good joke. I'm proud of that joke.
๐︎ 134
๐
︎ Jun 15 2020
What film do you make when Batman is in trouble?
๐︎ 6
๐
︎ Jul 05 2020
When is it time to see the dentist?
๐︎ 5
๐
︎ Jul 05 2020
Come to us when youโre stiff
๐︎ 26
๐
︎ Jun 28 2020
It is always make me uncomfortable when people ask about my step-ladder...
... I never even knew my real ladder
๐︎ 14
๐
︎ Jun 23 2020
Do you know what happens when you crack an egg?
It becomes a shell of its former self.
๐︎ 11
๐
︎ Jul 05 2020
When does a clock get hungry?
๐︎ 14
๐
︎ Jun 29 2020
I tried using an old math book as bait when fishing
Turns out that math wasnโt the best topic for
De bait
๐︎ 19
๐
︎ Jun 27 2020
What do snails become when they die?
๐︎ 581
๐
︎ May 09 2020
What does a cow say when he's in a dogfight?
๐︎ 22
๐
︎ Jul 04 2020
What do you call it when Batman skips church?
๐︎ 93
๐
︎ Jun 21 2020
What does a boat do when itโs sick?
๐︎ 18
๐
︎ Jun 20 2020
What do you call it when you question a communist?
๐︎ 9
๐
︎ Jul 01 2020
What happens when a frog parks illegally?
๐︎ 127
๐
︎ Jun 01 2020
What do we want? Low flying aeroplane noises. When do we want them?
๐︎ 52
๐
︎ Jun 23 2020
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
๐︎ 9
๐
︎ Jul 06 2020
What did 50 Cent do when he got hungry?
๐︎ 101
๐
︎ Jun 03 2020
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
๐︎ 20
๐
︎ Jun 28 2020
How can you tell when a joke is a 'dad joke'?
๐︎ 124
๐
︎ Jun 06 2020
When I was younger, I was obsessed with the difference between sine and cosine.
As I got older, I realized it was just a phase.
๐︎ 35
๐
︎ Jul 01 2020
I still remember the moment when my math professor told us what the square root of -1 was.
๐︎ 18
๐
︎ Jun 25 2020
I was watching Netflix and eating nachos the other day, when this word came into my mind...
๐︎ 4
๐
︎ Jul 04 2020
If you're Canadian when you go into the bathroom and again when you come out.. What are you whilst you're in there?
๐︎ 6
๐
︎ Jul 02 2020
My son asked me, โWhat was your favourite music to listen to when growing up?โ I said, โLed Zeppelinโ.
My son: Who?
Me: Yes, they were good too.
๐︎ 160
๐
︎ Jun 02 2020
What did the Frenchman say when presented with the finest mattress?
๐︎ 7
๐
︎ Jun 30 2020
What do you call it when you speak two languages and start losing vocabulary in both of them?
๐︎ 67
๐
︎ Jun 23 2020
Why did noone in the King's Court laugh when the King farted?
Because noble gases don't cause a reaction.
Credit to u/neitral-fella
r/dadjokes doesn't allow crossposting but I thought it belonged here
๐︎ 11
๐
︎ Jul 04 2020
What happened when the chicken sees a salad.
๐︎ 11
๐
︎ Jul 04 2020
I always have nightmares when I go camping
๐︎ 14
๐
︎ Jul 02 2020
What do you call when a chef steals a recipe for ravioli?
๐︎ 3
๐
︎ Jul 03 2020
I Guess the Steaks are High When You Drive Down This Road
๐︎ 28
๐
︎ Jun 19 2020
What does u/username do when he hates the hotel heโs staying at?
๐︎ 9
๐
︎ Jun 29 2020
A man is at home, when his girlfriend arrives, she rings the bell and then he asks:
-"Who is it?"
-"It's the love of your life"
-"Impossible! Beer doesn't speak!"
๐︎ 27
๐
︎ Jun 30 2020
What did 50 cent do when he got hungry?
Edit: I genuinely didnโt know this was a repost my dad told it to me and I thought it was worthy.
๐︎ 96
๐
︎ May 19 2020
When you think of 2020, whatโs the first thing that comes to mind?
Coronavirus, right off the bat.
๐︎ 90
๐
︎ May 27 2020
What did the beaver say when he slipped in water?
๐︎ 3
๐
︎ Jul 06 2020
What happens when you put a cowboy hat on an Audi?
๐︎ 48
๐
︎ Jun 10 2020
I ordered a thesaurus from Amazon but when it was delivered all the pages were blank.
I have no words to describe how angry I am.
๐︎ 331
๐
︎ May 26 2020
When I was a child, I had trouble memorizing multiplication tables.
๐︎ 8
๐
︎ Jul 03 2020
What do you get when you cross a hippy with a ninja?
๐︎ 14
๐
︎ Jun 30 2020
When you clean the vaccum cleaner, you become the vaccum cleaner
๐︎ 17
๐
︎ Jun 07 2020
What do you call a farm when none of the cows give milk?
๐︎ 60
๐
︎ Jun 06 2020
When is a door not a door
๐︎ 29
๐
︎ Jun 23 2020
My wife said to me: ''Why don't you treat me like you did when we were first dating?''
So I took her out to dinner, to a movie,
then I dropped her off at her parents'
place.
๐︎ 12k
๐
︎ Mar 04 2020
What do you call it when Batman skips church?
๐︎ 67
๐
︎ Jun 17 2020
When do you know a joke is a dad joke?
When the punchline is a parent
๐︎ 133
๐
︎ May 15 2020
When does a joke become a โdad jokeโ you ask?
When it becomes apparent.
๐︎ 37
๐
︎ Jun 14 2020
What did 50 cent do when he got hungry?
๐︎ 41
๐
︎ May 28 2020
When is a door not a door?
๐︎ 154
๐
︎ May 11 2020
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
๐︎ 8
๐
︎ Jul 05 2020
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