I have a friend who tried to take a selfie in the shower, but the image was too blurry.

He has selfie steam issues.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/korabdrg
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
🚨︎ report
A man who had just died was delivered to the mortuary wearing a beautiful black suit.

The mortician asked the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out the man looks good in the black suit he’s already wearing. The widow however said she thought her husband always looked his best in blue, and she would really like him in a blue suit. She then hands the mortician a blank cheque and says β€œI don’t care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.” The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. Remarkably, the suit fit him perfectly. She says to the mortician, β€œwhatever this costs I’m very satisfied, you did an excellent job and I’m incredibly grateful. How much did you spend?” To her astonishment the mortician presents her with her blank cheque, and he says β€œthere’s no charge.” Shocked she replies β€œno really, I feel like i must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.” β€œHonestly ma’am”, the mortician says, β€œit costs nothing, you see a diseased gentleman about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an attractive blue suit. So I asked his wife if she minded if her husband went to the grave wearing black. She had said it made no difference so long as he looked nice. So from that point on it was really just a matter of switching the heads.”

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaladinDanza
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a teenager who never grows up?

Constantine

πŸ‘︎ 277
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mitiamedved
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
🚨︎ report
I had a friend who smoked weed on Mount Everest.

He told me he was really high.

πŸ‘︎ 105
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedShirtCashion
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a hen who counts her eggs?

A Mathemachicken

πŸ‘︎ 218
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Locoboco2018
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
🚨︎ report
The guy who stole my diary died yesterday.

My thoughts are with his family.

πŸ‘︎ 18k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
There's been a lot of people who aren't Dad's making Dad jokes on here recently. If you're not a Dad you shouldn't be making Dad Jokes.

It's a faux pa.

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/viky_boy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks...

He found his way to the men's department where a young lady offered to help him. "Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl. "No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"Well, these shirts are on sale this week," declared the salesgirl. "No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines," repeated the man.

"I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack," offered the salesgirl. "No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines," insisted the man.

"These sweaters are top quality," the salesgirl probed. "No, no quiero sueter. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"Our undershirts are over here," fumbled the salesgirl, beginning to lose patience. "No, no quiero camisetas. Quiero calcetines," the man repeated.

As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed, "Β‘Eso sΓ­ que es!"

"Why didn't you just spell it in the first place?!" yelled the salesgirl.

πŸ‘︎ 88
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cyberentomology
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
🚨︎ report
My friend: Did you heard about the Italian man who died recently, he pasta way

Me: Thats very sad. Venice the funeral?

(Please excuse my poor english as it is not my first language)

Edit: I am not a dad, I am a 15 year old teen
Edit 2: Thank you u/Mnt2bdaddy for the wholesome award.

πŸ‘︎ 276
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Madhur_Gupta_nerd
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
🚨︎ report
What award should the person get who invented knock knock jokes?

The no-bell prize

πŸ‘︎ 381
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πŸ‘€︎ u/makunahatata27
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
🚨︎ report
I have a friend who writes songs about sewing machines.

He's a Singer songwriter, or sew it seams.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BastetLXIX
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I once met a woman who had 12 breasts. Sounds weird..

..Dozen tit?

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedLMR56
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
🚨︎ report
What does a presidential candidate who cant get his votes up suffer from?

Electile dysfunction

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/portleycrue12
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I have started carrying a piece of stone with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.

It’s my jingle bell rock.

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Ever hear what happened to the dead guy who was put on display?

Remains to be seen.

πŸ‘︎ 66
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MahlonMurder
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
🚨︎ report
Dad: the guy who stole my ipad could

Face time

πŸ‘︎ 580
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πŸ‘€︎ u/code_punk_
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report
I was once offered the chance to join a secret club, where anyone who asks a question is permanently banned.

I said, "Sure, why not?"

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ryanooooo
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
🚨︎ report
Who'll are from Indonesia?
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ankit799
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Attila the Hun had a pet snake who refused to eat.

He tried everything: rodents, small animals, and even cuts from larger animals, but it wouldn't eat.

As a last resort, he offered a virgin, but still the snake wouldn't eat. So, he called up the village's wise man.

Without hesitation, the wise man put two pieces of bread on the woman, and the snake ate her whole.

When Attila asked why, the wise man responded,

"Thine anaconda don't want nun unless you've got buns, hun!"

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/a_wild_redditer
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I wrote an essay in highschool about lottery winners who ended up losing. Apparently I thought this was way funnier than it is.
πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RealSkylitPanda
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
🚨︎ report
To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket..

..you can hide but you can’t run.

πŸ‘︎ 263
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scoob-Snacc
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
Shamelessly stolen on twitter, no clue about who did that. I have to dig something here...
πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/goelin
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
🚨︎ report
Do you ever wonder if a cow thinks her calf who won't nurse.....

Is an utter disappointment?

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
🚨︎ report
I visited the birth place of the guy who invented the toothbrush.

There's no plaque.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
🚨︎ report
I ran into this vegan girl who said she knew me

I had to tell her I'd never met herbivore.

πŸ‘︎ 536
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheKingOfRhye777
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?

He pasta-way

πŸ‘︎ 106
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FoxtrotGabry
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the chemistry teacher who became upset?

Apparently he told a dad joke in class and it got no reaction.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
🚨︎ report
I have a good friend who wears clothes made of nothing but carpet.

Walter Wall.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/awesome_smokey
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
🚨︎ report
People who sell meat are gross.

But people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.

πŸ‘︎ 53
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cthulhouette
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you know Hannibal Lecter has a brother who’s even more evil and sadistic?

His name is Bilka... Bilka Lecter.

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a priest who dresses in a nun's habit?

A Transistor

πŸ‘︎ 61
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EmperorOfFabulous
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
🚨︎ report
Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out. Who was left?

Repeat

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aikijo
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
🚨︎ report
My coworkers who were around while I recorded this hated me. v.redd.it/z77l1s68ctd61
πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ben10xl
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
🚨︎ report
The guy who invented the Hokey Pokey died last week.

Turns out they had a lot of trouble putting him in his coffin. Because everytime they put his right leg in, he put his right leg out.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RealerBrogan
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the optician who made the biggest pair of glasses in the world?

It was a huge spectacle!

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bang-a-lore
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
🚨︎ report
Who is the favourite comedian of a masochist?

Owie Mandel

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mahimubashir2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
🚨︎ report
Warning...."To the person who stole my glasses....."

"I'll find you....I have contacts."

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
🚨︎ report
I hate people who talk about me behind my back...

They discussed me.

πŸ‘︎ 52
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
🚨︎ report
What last name belongs to a man who is annoying and inherited a lot of money?

Richardson.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Zapps2000x
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
🚨︎ report
To the guy who stole my antidepressants:

I hope you’re happy

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mlucasr
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call someone who points out the obvious?

Someone who points out the obvious.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
🚨︎ report
The folks who live in my town aren’t allowed to be buried in the old cemetery on the edge of town.

Mostly because they’re not dead yet.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Panthropoly
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
🚨︎ report
Who built the round table for King Arthur?

Sir Cumference

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oneisall117
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
🚨︎ report
"Honey, who might bee at the front door?"
πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Banoooooooo
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
🚨︎ report
The lady who hems my pants appeared anxious...

In fact, I know she seamstressed

πŸ‘︎ 182
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hotsprings1234
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
Who came first? The man or the woman?

The man, after about 30 seconds.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/M_Arslan_Tahir
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
🚨︎ report
I ran into my friend Mark who stole my dictionary.

I said, β€œMark, my words!”

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
🚨︎ report
Who was the sexiest woman in Greek mythology?

Medusa.... One look from her, made guys rock hard.

πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
The guy who stole my diary just died.

My thoughts are with his family.

πŸ‘︎ 39
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jo3p-
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
🚨︎ report
I absolutely hate people who talk behind my back.

They discussed me.

πŸ‘︎ 435
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
🚨︎ report

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