I've infiltrated their ranks, together we can pun-dermine their authority.
π︎ 6
π
︎ May 08 2019
I can't stand this dude!
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Jan 10 2021
What do you call a paper airplane that can't fly?
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Dec 28 2020
Why canβt two elephants swim at the same time?
They only have a pair of trunks.
-my grandfather, just 5 minutes ago.
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Dec 20 2020
I bought a pen that can write underwater
... it can write other words as well.
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Dec 16 2020
My friend Jack says he can communicate with vegetables.
π︎ 995
π
︎ Jan 07 2021
Took me a minute I canβt lie
π︎ 78
π
︎ Jan 06 2021
Today I learned that if a canoe turns upside down in the water, you can safely wear it on your head.
π︎ 840
π
︎ Dec 29 2020
I was going to add a pun here but can't think of any right now
π︎ 142
π
︎ Jan 04 2021
I said to my kids, "Never let anyone tell you what you can and can't do! Take Beethoven for example. They told him he could not be a musician because he was deaf!"
π︎ 227
π
︎ Jan 09 2021
An anteater walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Can I get you a drink?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" "How about something to eat?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" "What about some peanuts?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"
Frazzled, the bartender cries, "What's with the long no's!?"
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Dec 17 2020
I can always tell, just by looking, when someone is lying.
I can also tell when they're standing.
π︎ 629
π
︎ Jan 06 2021
Can y'all guessππ
π︎ 160
π
︎ Dec 14 2020
I got hit in the head with a can of soda.
Luckily, it was a soft drink.
π︎ 454
π
︎ Dec 28 2020
Can one of the Mods please explain to me why my post was removed?
I'm really annoyed about this because now my fence has fallen over....
π︎ 21k
π
︎ Oct 20 2020
Did you know you can actually listen to the blood in your veins?
You just have to listen varicosely
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Nov 09 2020
Why can't athiests use exponents?
Because they don't believe in a higher power.
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Nov 21 2020
How can I get someone to hang out with me, laugh at each otherβs jokes, and maybe share some fun platonic experiences together throughout our lives?
π︎ 628
π
︎ Dec 21 2020
βͺWhy canβt 2021 take a picture in the dark
because it doesnβt have flash
π︎ 202
π
︎ Jan 01 2021
I can do calf raises just by mooving it.
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Nov 17 2020
Why can pirates never finish the alphabet?
Because they always get lost at C.
π︎ 12k
π
︎ Oct 12 2020
If alcohol can damage your short term memory
Imagine the damage alcohol can do.
π︎ 98
π
︎ Jan 04 2021
I asked all the countries in the world if they wanted to throw a party. All of them told me they can't because of covid.
Only one was like "Yemen"
π︎ 58
π
︎ Jan 11 2021
How can you prove that the "I" before "E" except after "C" doesn't always apply ?
π︎ 148
π
︎ Dec 20 2020
How can there be a national coin shortage?
π︎ 576
π
︎ Dec 07 2020
Why can't blind people eat fish?
π︎ 575
π
︎ Dec 07 2020
A photon checks into a hotel. The bellhop asks if he can assist with any luggage.
The photon replies, βNo, Iβm traveling light.β
π︎ 205
π
︎ Dec 23 2020
Dogs can't operate MRI machines,
π︎ 122
π
︎ Jan 03 2021
Why can't redheads be in blues or jazz bands?
π︎ 20
π
︎ Jan 01 2021
Gf asked for help, and I did the best I can
π︎ 233
π
︎ Nov 28 2020
I can't tell you all Japanese history in one joke...
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Oct 24 2020
I guess you can see he has a lot of horsepower
π︎ 21
π
︎ Dec 24 2020
I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport jokes.
I think it may be terminal
π︎ 32
π
︎ Jan 04 2021
I told my therapist I canβt get the Grease soundtrack out of my head...
He said βtell me moreβ.
π︎ 47
π
︎ Jan 13 2021
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?"
He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
π︎ 33
π
︎ Jan 13 2021
Her: Honey can you pick up some milk
Him:* lifts gallon * done
Her: no from the store
Him: I imagine it weighs the same there too
π︎ 22
π
︎ Jan 04 2021
Dude 1: βHey bro?β Dude 2: βYeah bro?β Dude 1: βCan you hand me that pamphlet?β
π︎ 16k
π
︎ Sep 25 2020
I was told I can't use eBay anymore.
I don't know why exactly, they just said it was for biddin'
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jan 08 2021
Why can't people without legs drink milk
π︎ 33
π
︎ Jan 06 2021
I was having problems with the printer at work last week and I had to ring the engineer. I told him that I kept putting paper in to the printer but the display kept saying it just can't get enough...
The engineer said "ah yes.... it's stuck in Depeche Mode"....
π︎ 40
π
︎ Jan 09 2021
What do you call a dog that can do magic?
π︎ 68
π
︎ Dec 30 2020
A woman suddenly in labor shouts, shouldnβt! wouldnβt! couldnβt! didnβt! canβt! The doctor says "don't worry."
βThose are just contractions.β
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Sep 16 2020
I can't stand people without toes!
I guess that makes me lacktoes intolerant.
π︎ 18
π
︎ Jan 05 2021
I canβt believe itβs not...
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Sep 21 2020
What do you call a person who can't hear?
You can call him anything cause he won't able to hear you.
π︎ 16
π
︎ Jan 02 2021
My 4-year-old son has been learning Spanish all year and he still can't say the word, please.
which I think is poor for four.
π︎ 371
π
︎ Nov 28 2020
Can use a towel
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jan 13 2021
Why canβt you trust atoms
Because they make up everything...
π︎ 13
π
︎ Jan 09 2021
I can always tell when someone is lying just by looking at them.
I can tell when they're standing too.
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Oct 14 2020
Iβve got this awful disease where I canβt stop telling airport jokes
My doctor says itβs terminal
π︎ 18k
π
︎ Sep 04 2020
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