I've infiltrated their ranks, together we can pun-dermine their authority.
I can’t believe it’s not butter!
An actual joke from my 8 year old - Why can’t you trust atoms?
They make up everything.
I was proud.
Pirate Ship Captain: I am desperate. Can someone tell me how to write the number 2 in Roman numerals?
Today I found out that you can actually hear the blood flowing through your veins.
You just have to listen varicosely.
What do you call a paper airplane that can't fly?
I can't stop thinking about Bruce willis movies. I guess old habits
Why can’t two elephants swim at the same time?
They only have a pair of trunks.
-my grandfather, just 5 minutes ago.
Being the new guy can suck
I bought a pen that can write underwater
... it can write other words as well.
My friend Jack says he can communicate with vegetables.
Can’t believe someone rubbed one off, in elevator
If you change word "Love" to "Lunch", you can totally change the meaning of a lot of songs.
All You Need Is Lunch
Do You Believe In Life After Lunch
Lunch In An Elevator
Can anybody give me some advice to help me removing ice from my windshield? I just tried with a discount card I had In my pocket
My wife told me that my botanical garden was so expensive that it was preventing us from starting a family. She said I can either have a hobby...
Took me a minute I can’t lie
Why can't your nose be twelve inches long?
Cuz then it would be a foot.
I can't believe someone stole my limbo stick.
Like seriously, how low can you go ?
There's a medicine you can buy that apparently cures scepticism.
Today I learned that if a canoe turns upside down in the water, you can safely wear it on your head.
Can one of the Mods please explain to me why my post was removed?
I'm really annoyed about this because now my fence has fallen over....
An anteater walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Can I get you a drink?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" "How about something to eat?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" "What about some peanuts?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"
Frazzled, the bartender cries, "What's with the long no's!?"
I was going to add a pun here but can't think of any right now
You can shoot people with mayonnaise, but not other condiments
Your crimes will then ketchup to you.
I said to my kids, "Never let anyone tell you what you can and can't do! Take Beethoven for example. They told him he could not be a musician because he was deaf!"
I can always tell, just by looking, when someone is lying.
I can also tell when they're standing.
I got hit in the head with a can of soda.
Luckily, it was a soft drink.
I can't believe I just got fired from the calendar factory...
All I did was take a day off.
How can tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile
It’s how they say goodbye !!
Why can pirates never finish the alphabet?
Because they always get lost at C.
Why can't athiests use exponents?
Because they don't believe in a higher power.
I can do calf raises just by mooving it.
Daughter: "Can you open this, dad?"
opens the jar
Yep! I sure can!
closes it back and hands it back
My daughter again " ..... "
How can I get someone to hang out with me, laugh at each other’s jokes, and maybe share some fun platonic experiences together throughout our lives?
Why can a bicycle stand on its own?
Boy: “Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
Why can’t 2021 take a picture in the dark
because it doesn’t have flash
What do you call a cow that can't produce milk?
If alcohol can damage your short term memory
Imagine the damage alcohol can do.
I can’t wait till my Wife and I have a our first baby.
I’ll hand them to her and say “Here’s the fruits of your labor.”
My dad's not allowed to speak Japanese, let alone teach the language. But there's nothing that says he can't teach Japanese cooking and geography. So far, I just learned the cooking tools and the location of the country.
This is Japan, this is ja-spatula, this is ja-whisk, this is ja-wok, this is ja-mixer, this is ja-fork, this is ja-spoon, and these are ja-chopsticks.
How can you identify a group of math teachers?
They're the ones that look like alge-bros.
How can there be a national coin shortage?
Did you know you can actually listen to the blood in your veins?
You just have to listen varicosely
I can always tell when someone is lying just by looking at them.
I can tell when they're standing too.