I've infiltrated their ranks, together we can pun-dermine their authority.
π︎ 6
π
︎ May 08 2019
I canβt believe itβs not butter!
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Jan 21 2021
An actual joke from my 8 year old - Why canβt you trust atoms?
They make up everything.
I was proud.
π︎ 7k
π
︎ Jan 28 2021
Pirate Ship Captain: I am desperate. Can someone tell me how to write the number 2 in Roman numerals?
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Jan 21 2021
I can't stand this dude!
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Jan 10 2021
Today I found out that you can actually hear the blood flowing through your veins.
You just have to listen varicosely.
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Jan 24 2021
What do you call a paper airplane that can't fly?
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Dec 28 2020
I can't stop thinking about Bruce willis movies. I guess old habits
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Jan 19 2021
Why canβt two elephants swim at the same time?
They only have a pair of trunks.
-my grandfather, just 5 minutes ago.
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Dec 20 2020
Being the new guy can suck
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Jan 25 2021
I canβt even anymore
π︎ 675
π
︎ Jan 21 2021
I bought a pen that can write underwater
... it can write other words as well.
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Dec 16 2020
My friend Jack says he can communicate with vegetables.
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Jan 07 2021
Canβt believe someone rubbed one off, in elevator
π︎ 60
π
︎ Jan 24 2021
If you change word "Love" to "Lunch", you can totally change the meaning of a lot of songs.
All You Need Is Lunch
Do You Believe In Life After Lunch
Lunch In An Elevator
π︎ 29
π
︎ Jan 23 2021
Can anybody give me some advice to help me removing ice from my windshield? I just tried with a discount card I had In my pocket
π︎ 578
π
︎ Jan 15 2021
My wife told me that my botanical garden was so expensive that it was preventing us from starting a family. She said I can either have a hobby...
π︎ 167
π
︎ Jan 29 2021
Took me a minute I canβt lie
π︎ 80
π
︎ Jan 06 2021
Why can't your nose be twelve inches long?
Cuz then it would be a foot.
π︎ 78
π
︎ Feb 03 2021
I can't believe someone stole my limbo stick.
Like seriously, how low can you go ?
π︎ 116
π
︎ Jan 31 2021
There's a medicine you can buy that apparently cures scepticism.
π︎ 219
π
︎ Jan 23 2021
Today I learned that if a canoe turns upside down in the water, you can safely wear it on your head.
π︎ 846
π
︎ Dec 29 2020
Can one of the Mods please explain to me why my post was removed?
I'm really annoyed about this because now my fence has fallen over....
π︎ 21k
π
︎ Oct 20 2020
My can opener broke ...
Now itβs a canβt opener.
π︎ 377
π
︎ Jan 19 2021
An anteater walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Can I get you a drink?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" "How about something to eat?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" "What about some peanuts?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"
Frazzled, the bartender cries, "What's with the long no's!?"
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Dec 17 2020
I was going to add a pun here but can't think of any right now
π︎ 148
π
︎ Jan 04 2021
You can shoot people with mayonnaise, but not other condiments
Your crimes will then ketchup to you.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jan 25 2021
I said to my kids, "Never let anyone tell you what you can and can't do! Take Beethoven for example. They told him he could not be a musician because he was deaf!"
π︎ 228
π
︎ Jan 09 2021
I can always tell, just by looking, when someone is lying.
I can also tell when they're standing.
π︎ 636
π
︎ Jan 06 2021
Can y'all guessππ
π︎ 158
π
︎ Dec 14 2020
I got hit in the head with a can of soda.
Luckily, it was a soft drink.
π︎ 456
π
︎ Dec 28 2020
I can't believe I just got fired from the calendar factory...
All I did was take a day off.
π︎ 56
π
︎ Feb 03 2021
How can tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile
Itβs how they say goodbye !!
π︎ 17
π
︎ Feb 05 2021
Why can pirates never finish the alphabet?
Because they always get lost at C.
π︎ 12k
π
︎ Oct 12 2020
Why can't athiests use exponents?
Because they don't believe in a higher power.
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Nov 21 2020
I can do calf raises just by mooving it.
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Nov 17 2020
Daughter: "Can you open this, dad?"
opens the jar
Yep! I sure can!
closes it back and hands it back
My daughter again " ..... "
π︎ 51
π
︎ Feb 03 2021
How can I get someone to hang out with me, laugh at each otherβs jokes, and maybe share some fun platonic experiences together throughout our lives?
π︎ 617
π
︎ Dec 21 2020
Why can a bicycle stand on its own?
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jan 21 2021
Boy: βDad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?β
π︎ 56
π
︎ Jan 31 2021
βͺWhy canβt 2021 take a picture in the dark
because it doesnβt have flash
π︎ 205
π
︎ Jan 01 2021
What do you call a cow that can't produce milk?
π︎ 12
π
︎ Jan 30 2021
If alcohol can damage your short term memory
Imagine the damage alcohol can do.
π︎ 96
π
︎ Jan 04 2021
I canβt wait till my Wife and I have a our first baby.
Iβll hand them to her and say βHereβs the fruits of your labor.β
π︎ 23
π
︎ Jan 28 2021
My dad's not allowed to speak Japanese, let alone teach the language. But there's nothing that says he can't teach Japanese cooking and geography. So far, I just learned the cooking tools and the location of the country.
This is Japan, this is ja-spatula, this is ja-whisk, this is ja-wok, this is ja-mixer, this is ja-fork, this is ja-spoon, and these are ja-chopsticks.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Jan 24 2021
How can you identify a group of math teachers?
They're the ones that look like alge-bros.
π︎ 23
π
︎ Jan 28 2021
How can there be a national coin shortage?
π︎ 573
π
︎ Dec 07 2020
Did you know you can actually listen to the blood in your veins?
You just have to listen varicosely
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Nov 09 2020
I can always tell when someone is lying just by looking at them.
I can tell when they're standing too.
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Oct 14 2020
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