Suck at puns, but i randomly found this
The neighbors are rock solid at puns
Never apologise for being good at puns
Why am I bad at puns
Because I’m Cornfused about puns
I’m told I’m no good at puns but they come fluid to me...
Why are kleptomaniacs so bad at puns?
They take things literally.
I'm really good at puns
I guess you could say I'm a pundit.
I think the girl at the Airlines check-in just threatened me.
She looked me dead in the eye and said, “Window or aisle?”
I laughed in her face and replied, “Window or you’ll what?”
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
The mayor in my city just passed law that male best friends have to have lunch together at least once a week
Well it’s not a law it’s a mandate
I have started carrying a piece of stone with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
It’s my jingle bell rock.
My wife’s mad at me because she said I never buy her flowers
I honestly didn’t even know she sold flowers
I met my wife at a singles bar...
Which was really strange, since I'd thought that I had left her at home looking after the kids.
I can always tell when someone is lying just by looking at them.
I can tell when they're standing too.
If you ever need someone who's terrible at hiding
(At bosses funeral kneeling and whispering at coffin)
"Who's thinking outside the box now Gary?"
I have a step ladder at home...
... I never knew my real ladder.
Rudolph the red and his wife were on a stroll. Rudolph the red looked up at the sky and said "we should hurry up, there is a storm comming". So his wife asked "how do u know" and he replied...
"Rudolph the red knows rain dear"
From my 10-year-old: "Daddy, what has it's bottom at the top?"
"I don't know, bud, what?"
"Your legs."
Well done, kid.
At least he got laid before he died
"Honey, who might bee at the front door?"
Stop scrolling and paws to look at this pun.
I quit my job at the concrete plant.
My job was getting harder & harder.
It doesn’t matter if you’re tall, short, fat, thin, rich, poor, at the end of the day....
I ate a kids meal at McDonald's today.
His mom got really angry.
My new job at the nuclear reactor requires me to take anger management classes.
They're to prevent meltdowns.
Someone stole the toilet at the police station last night
Cops have nothing to go on
I was at the store with my wife picking out a turkey and she seemed unimpressed by the size. She asked "do they get any bigger?"
I looked her in the eyes and replied "no honey, they're dead."
Just another day at the paw-ffice.
I was at a Star Wars themed restaurant.....
I had Sky Walker soup. Wookie steak and Death Star ice cream.
The starter and the dessert were lovely, but the main course was a bit chewy.
I sat down for dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter asked me, “Do you want to hear today’s special?”
I said, “Yes please.”
Waiter: “No problem sir. Today is special.”
Edit: You guys are way too generous. Thank you.
Jesus Christ would you look at the time
My wife rang me at the pub and said, “If you’re not home in 10 minutes, I’m giving the dinner I cooked you to the dog.” I was home in 5 minutes.
I’d hate for anything to happen to the dog.
At the office barbecue, I grilled some rare steak for our boss, and he said, “I like it well done.”
I said, “Thanks. That means a lot.”
If girls with big boobs work at Hooters where do girls with only one leg work?
I got fired from my job at Dairy Queen
Because I refused to work on sundaes
My friend worked at the zoo to circumcise elephants, the pay was bad but...
My kid is at the point where they want to put bandaids on everything...
I swear this is a true organic dad joke I had tonight. Felt I’d share it with reddit.
My kid came up to me and says “oh no, look dad, it needs a bandaid” as she gently presents her imaginarily injured bouncy ball.
I looked at my kid and said “I don’t think it needs a bandaid, he looks like he’s going to bounce back”
What similar to working at McDonald’s and being a archeologist in Athens
You will smell like ancient Greece
My friend got fired at the fizzy drinks factory today.
This was at my high school
My neighbor has been mad at his wife for sunbathing nude.
I personally am on the fence
Do you know why air pumps at gas stations used to be free but are now $1.50?
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
