I ate a clock
It was very time consuming lucky I went back for seconds
I ate an optimist once.
But, I couldn't keep him down .
One time I accidentally ate horse and it sent me to the ER
Doctor said I was ‘stable’
A group of physicists came to my restaurant today, ate then explained what the force required to accelerate a mass of one gram at a rate of one centimeter per second squared is. Then when my attention was elsewhere, they all left, leaving behind a bunch of hyphens...
I should have known they'd dyne and dash.
My friend's dog ate her wedding ring...
Now there's a diamond in the ruff (rough)
I ate all of my 4 leaf clovers.
Now all my lucks turned to shit.
Outdad my dad with this one. He messaged me today that our dog ate a packet of corn chips. I replied..
...Soon we are going to have poop corn.
And added that we might have a cereal killer living in our house.
Why did people die after they ate Cheerios?
Was Spartacus mad because the Lion ate his wife?
Today I ate a sandwich with my feet.
It was a below-knee sandwich.
I accidentally ate some food coloring today.
The doctor says I’m fine but I feel like I dyed a little inside.
I ate something intangible last night.
It went straight through me.
I told my teacher that my dog ate my online homework...
... He took a couple bytes of it
I ate a kids meal at McDonald's today...
His mom got really angry!
I guess I know what those philosophers said when they ate bread for the first time
Last night I had a dream that I ate a 50 lb marshmallow.
This morning I woke up and my pillow was gone.
Today is the 13th anniversary of my father passing and this was my favorite joke that he used to tell. Enjoy.
What did the balloon say when it ate the other balloon?
I want to tell you about a girl that ate plants
but you've probably never heard of herbivore!!
I ate a watch the other day
It was time consuming. I ended up going back for seconds.
My wife: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: It was my friend Reese.
Her: Huh? how?
Me: Witherspoon.
Tony the tiger ate both of my grandmother's parents.
Tearfully, I asked him why.
He just looked at me and said,
"They're GREAT!"
I don't know what I ate lastnight, but when I woke up, I crapped out a sparkwheel, a valve, a spring, and a piece of flint.
Afterwards, I felt a little lighter.
I saw that my cat Mitten ate a birdie.
You really ate dog meat? How was it?
Last night I ate a piece of string
do you know why German communist ate kids?
I used to get heartburn whenever I ate birthday cake...
... until the doctor told me to take the candles off first!
Happy cake day to meeeeee!
I ate a sandwich in the shower
A ate a burger from a 1-armed chef.
He said it was a handburger.
I ate all my toddlers candy.
I ate a sausage
What’s the wurst that could happen?
We all know that 7 ate 9, but why did 7 eat 9?
His doctor told him to get three square meals a day.
I don't mind foreign dishes, for example we ate some halal food last week
I think they called it Allah carte
I went to McDonald’s and ate a kid’s meal today.
His mom was pretty upset at me.
I was hungry so I ate all my chips.
Everyone else at the poker game was not impressed.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister's math homework.
Now we're waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Yesterday I ate a clock....
It was very time consuming, especially when I went back for seconds.
What did the Spartacus say when the lion ate his wife?
Nothing he was gladiator.
What did Spartacus say when the lion ate his wife?
Nothing!! He was gladiator.
I just ate a clock
It was very time consuming
I ate a kids meal at McDonald's today.
His mom got really angry.
I ate an optimist once...
But, I couldn't keep him down.
Last night I ate a clock
It was very time consuming.
Especially when I went back for seconds.
I ate a kids meal at McDonald's today....
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