Put this cheese on some bread with turkey, and I can't WHEAT to GOBBLE it down...
πŸ‘︎ 132
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πŸ‘€︎ u/weiyanzhuo
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2015
🚨︎ report
If the Third Reich had employed barnyard animals, its top aides to the Farmer would have been Heinrich Hammler and Joseph Gobbles

and they would be fighting Joseph Stallion and Franklin D. Roostervelt.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yuktobania
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2014
🚨︎ report
I was at the store with my wife picking out a turkey and she seemed unimpressed by the size. She asked "do they get any bigger?"

I looked her in the eyes and replied "no honey, they're dead."

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
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Why can't blind people eat ocean fish?

Because it's see-food!

my 11 year old daughter ran in here while cooking greens and dropped that knowledge on us. I couldn't be more proud lol.

edit: just wanted to let those of you who have is awards that I appreciate it! I told my daughter about them and she asked if she can keep telling jokes for me to put on here lol. should get fairly interesting.

thanks all. I hope you had a great turkey gobble day

πŸ‘︎ 152
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cyberrich
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I used to be addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers...

I had to quit cold turkey.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/djkress
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you cross a turkey with a ghost?

A poultrygeist!

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GoodChadAndUgly
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
So my daughter is clearing the table and holds her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."

"I'm breathing underwater."

I've never been prouder.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2020
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A panda walks into a bar.

He gobbles some beer nuts, then pulls out a pistol, fires it in the air, and heads for the door.

β€œHey!” shouts the bartender, but the panda yells back, β€œI’m a panda! Google me!”

β€œA tree-climbing mammal with distinct black-and-white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sup_mike
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
🚨︎ report
A Penguin sent his car off to the mechanic before going to the ice cream shop...

He ordered vanilla ice cream and gobbles it down before going back to the mechanic.

Mechanic: It looks like you blew a seal.

Penguin: Ah no that’s just ice cream.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JalepenoPeppers
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2020
🚨︎ report
What's the first letter turkeys learn in school?

Gobble-u

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Beliadin
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
🚨︎ report
President Obama's 2016 Turkey-Pardon Dad Jokes: The Definitive List

[from NPR-- this sub doesn't allow link posts]

The annual turkey pardon is a silly tradition, and President Obama knows it. On Wednesday, before pardoning turkeys named Tater and Tot, Obama summed up his feelings about this particular duty.

"It is my great privilege β€” well, it's my privilege β€” actually, let's just say it's my job to grant them clemency this afternoon," Obama said.

Not in attendance for the president's final turkey pardoning ceremony were first daughters Sasha and Malia Obama, who gamely laughed alongside their father last year. So instead, the president's nephews Austin and Aaron Robinson stood by for what Obama called his "corny-copia of dad jokes about turkeys."

And thus began a pun-fest for the ages. Here's a list of President Obama's groaners from this year's pardoning ceremony:

"Actually [Sasha and Malia] just couldn't take my jokes anymore. They were fed up."

"What I haven't told them yet is we are going to do this every year from now on. No cameras, just us, every year. No way I'm cutting this habit cold turkey."

"Tater is here in a backup role just in case Tot can't fulfill his duties. So he's sort of like the vice turkey. We're working on getting him a pair of aviator glasses."

"I want to take a moment to recognize the brave turkeys who weren't so lucky. Who didn't get to ride the gravy train to freedom. Who met their fate with courage and sacrifice and proved that they weren't chicken."

[After touting positive economic indicators and the low uninsured rate] "That's worth gobbling about."

"We should also make sure everyone has something to eat on Thanksgiving. Of course, except the turkeys, because they're already stuffed."

"When somebody at your table tells you that you've been hogging all of the side dishes, you can't have any more, I hope that you respond with a creed that sums up the spirit of a hungry people: 'Yes, we cran.' "

"Look, I know there are some bad ones in here, but this is the last time I'm doing this, so we're not leaving any room for leftovers."

"And now from the Rose Garden, Tater and Tot will go to their new home at Virginia Tech, which is admittedly a bit hokey." (The Hokies are the Virginia Tech mascot.)

"And so let's get on with the pardoning. Because it's Wednesday afternoon and everyone knows that Thanksgiving traffic can put people in a foul mood."

[from NPR -- http://www.npr.org/2016/11/23/503178220/president-obamas-2016-turkey-pardon-dad-jokes-the-definitive-list?utm_source=facebook.com

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/see2keroppi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2016
🚨︎ report
It's that time of year that my wife's family divides up holiday hosting duties.

Christmas Eve and Christmas dinner are already spoken for, but Thanksgiving hasn't been discussed yet. Thanksgiving is usually at my father-in-law's, but my stepmother-in-law has previously hinted that she might not want to host anymore.

Wife: "I talked to [stepmother-in-law] today, and she didn't say 'boo' about Thanksgiving."

Me: "Did she say 'gobble gobble'?"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfofurn
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2019
🚨︎ report
At sunrise there were two robins overlooking a freshly plowed field

One says to the other β€œLets go eat our fill in seeds and worms.” They swoop down and do so.

Once all fat and happy they find a spot under a tree with the perfect amount of sun, and bask in the sunlight.

An alley cat rolls in and seeing the two birds. Thinking about how he hasn’t eaten in days, and sees two fat birds in front of him, he creeps up, and gobbles them in one fell swoop.

In the aftermath, he takes their spot in the sun, and as he’s laying down to nap he says β€œMan... I sure do love Baskin Robins.”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tkl15
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Doggie treats

My uncoordinated husky has trouble catching treats when I throw them to her and the speedy little Chihuahua gobbles them up off the floor before she can react. However, when I throw her scraps of meat, she catches them every time. She never misses when the steaks are that high.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TRexIRL
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2019
🚨︎ report
What's the slogan for the New York Demon Chomping Advocacy Group?

Gobble the ghoul.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BeefbrothTV
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
🚨︎ report
How to get an 8 year old to hate you...

So after my daughter got off the bus, she was telling me about her day. She said that, at lunch, she was pretending to be a goblin.

"Gobbling what?", I asked. "Hopefully your lunch."

She stared at me (trying hard not to smile), let out an exasperated sigh, and said "I hate your jokes". Then walked away to the house without as much as another word...

πŸ‘︎ 120
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sparkstalker
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2018
🚨︎ report
Animals puns for wedding tables...

We're having a Canadian wedding with an animal theme to differentiate the different tables. On each table we'll have an animal emblem with some kind of love pun for each animal. It's been a trying affair to come up with these, but I know a lot of them could be better. In fact, most of them are downright ridiculous.

Reddit, how can we improve these?

Moose - I find you amoosing.

Beaver - I think I'll pick this flower for her, it would beavery romantic.

Owl - Owl always love you.

Fox - You are the object of my affoxtion.

Skunk - I stink you're sweet!

Bunny - Everybunny loves you!

Woodpecker - Knock Knock! Who's there? Wood! Wood who? Wood you be mine?

Porcupuine. I'm stuck on you.

Wolf - Wolf you marry me?

Trout - We'll be together trout eternity!

Turtle - You're turtley amazing.

Lynx - Let us lynx our lives together.

Bear - To be away from you is unbearable.

Squirrel - I'm going nuts for you!

Raven - Can't stop raven about you.

Turkey - I could just gobble you up!

Caribou - Where does one find a wedding ring for his deer? Why at the cariboutique, of course.

Deer - I love you deerly!

Goose - You give me goose bumps.

Sasquatch - Getting you to marry me was no small feat.

Also looking for some ideas for racoon, snake, and groundhogs.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TonyMcConkey
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2014
🚨︎ report
A bunch of zombies attacked a graduation party...

and gobbled up all the seniors. Afterward one zombie said to another, β€œHow was the grad you ate?”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/homevp
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2017
🚨︎ report
I just dadjoked my dad

Dad: You know how you can buy chicken necks at the store to feed to dogs? Me: yes... Dad: Well now you can buy turkey necks. Me: I bet the dogs gobble gobbled them up...

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BooshBabe
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2014
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Turkey don't coup!

Dey gobble!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/growlingbear
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2016
🚨︎ report
Thanks dadjokes!

Tonight at dinner, daughter is looking for more sides. Wife gives her brown rice, I give her white. She gobbled them both up and wants more of both. Turn to my wife and say, so glad we have raised a child who is not riceist. Groans all around. Thanks dadjokes!

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Imperial_Stout
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2016
🚨︎ report
Palestinian/Israeli dadjoke

Brother: Actually John Kerry doesn't talk to Hamas either. He uses Turkey to talk to Hamas.

Me: Well, they do more gobbling than talking.

Groans were had. (Except for my brother's friend who was tickled pink and gave me a high five!!)

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PicklePillz
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2014
🚨︎ report
My dad on turkey bacon

Mom: I don't know I think turkey bacon is hard to chew

Dad: That's why you gobble-gobble it

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/velmaa
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2015
🚨︎ report
My friend's dad...

Backstory: my buddy's brother is in the military in Turkey and I was asking how he was when their dad dropped this one on me.

  • Me: "How's your brother doing in Turkey?"

  • Friend: "Good but the language barrier kills him, I think they speak Farsi."

  • Me: "I thought they spoke Turkish?"

  • Friend's dad: "Actually they speak gobble gobble!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tman916x
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2014
🚨︎ report
Why are turkeys so fat?

All they do is gobble gobble gobble.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/username4518
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2014
🚨︎ report
How does a turkey eat his lunch?

Gobble gobble gobble

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/geoswede
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
🚨︎ report
President Obama's 2016 Turkey-Pardon Dad Jokes: The Definitive List

[from NPR-- this sub doesn't allow link posts]

The annual turkey pardon is a silly tradition, and President Obama knows it. On Wednesday, before pardoning turkeys named Tater and Tot, Obama summed up his feelings about this particular duty.

"It is my great privilege β€” well, it's my privilege β€” actually, let's just say it's my job to grant them clemency this afternoon," Obama said.

Not in attendance for the president's final turkey pardoning ceremony were first daughters Sasha and Malia Obama, who gamely laughed alongside their father last year. So instead, the president's nephews Austin and Aaron Robinson stood by for what Obama called his "corny-copia of dad jokes about turkeys."

And thus began a pun-fest for the ages. Here's a list of President Obama's groaners from this year's pardoning ceremony:

"Actually [Sasha and Malia] just couldn't take my jokes anymore. They were fed up."

"What I haven't told them yet is we are going to do this every year from now on. No cameras, just us, every year. No way I'm cutting this habit cold turkey."

"Tater is here in a backup role just in case Tot can't fulfill his duties. So he's sort of like the vice turkey. We're working on getting him a pair of aviator glasses."

"I want to take a moment to recognize the brave turkeys who weren't so lucky. Who didn't get to ride the gravy train to freedom. Who met their fate with courage and sacrifice and proved that they weren't chicken."

[After touting positive economic indicators and the low uninsured rate] "That's worth gobbling about."

"We should also make sure everyone has something to eat on Thanksgiving. Of course, except the turkeys, because they're already stuffed."

"When somebody at your table tells you that you've been hogging all of the side dishes, you can't have any more, I hope that you respond with a creed that sums up the spirit of a hungry people: 'Yes, we cran.' "

"Look, I know there are some bad ones in here, but this is the last time I'm doing this, so we're not leaving any room for leftovers."

"And now from the Rose Garden, Tater and Tot will go to their new home at Virginia Tech, which is admittedly a bit hokey." (The Hokies are the Virginia Tech mascot.)

"And so let's get on with the pardoning. Because it's Wednesday afternoon and everyone knows that Thanksgiving traffic can put people in a foul mood."

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/see2keroppi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2017
🚨︎ report

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