My Asian friend owns a business where he twists and binds white t-shirts then soaks them in colored liquid...

I even have one of her Thai dye t-shirts.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2020
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πŸ‘€︎ u/onesmallserving
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2015
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True Story. I went to pick up a couple of Italian Beef sandwiches curbside last night and as the runner approached with my order, the sandwiches broke through the gravy soaked paper bag and fell to the ground. She was extremely apologetic and said she would re-bag them for us. But I was livid!

I mean, I did not pay for ground beef.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/casimir1978
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25
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What do you call a reindeer soaking in the rain?

Raindeer

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThatCatLady415
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
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What did the cucumber say when he was soaking in vinegar?

Stop it! I’m pickle-ish

From my 5yo niece and 6yo daughter

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πŸ‘€︎ u/azmt45
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2020
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Got bored with my usual beverages so I instead tried soaking a book in hot water.

It wasn't great, but at least it was a novel tea.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
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Soaking wet
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eth0null
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2019
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Do you know what causes dry skin?

Towels

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thewonkabro
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2019
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One time a German tourist dove into a river to save someone's dog. When he came back, he said to the owner, "Here iz ze dog, put him in a blΓ€nket so he iz dry and warm." The owners ask him, "How do you know, are yoy a vet?" The German looks at them blankly, "Vet? Im fucking soaking!"
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpillsMcDribble
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2019
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Looking out our office window to watch torrential downpour, see a white haired, bearded gentleman who looked just like Santa getting completely soaked as he runs to catch a bus.

Female co-worker: "Awww. Poor Santa! He's getting drenched!" Me: "It's okay. Santa likes rain, dear."

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2015
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Tropical Storm Colin is soaking the coast...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sixmilesoldier
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2016
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So my wife soaked some fish in lemon juice and sprinkled lemon pepper on them before baking...

...I told her the fish should have unlemonted flavor.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mkay1911
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2015
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My friend liked to linger in the bathtub and drink wine...

He was a soak.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
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Why are sponges such good listeners?

Because they soak up everything.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Reach_Greatness
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2020
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Got my girlfriend with this one.

So my girlfriend calls me and asks if I can bring her some of my tide detergent pods because she is out of detergent. So I go over to her dorm and I brought a few extra and as I give them to her I say "here are a few extra to tide you over until you get more detergent." And she rolled her eyes and told me to get out but it was worth it

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πŸ‘€︎ u/arretez1512
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2016
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I walk a lot and I've developed plantar fasciitis in my right heel

This condition is caused by inflammation of the plantar fascia along the bottom of your foot, and it can cause pretty intense heel pain.

After I got home from work last night I tried to soak my foot in some hot water. My wife saw me and said, "That isn't going to work..."

I said, "Hey! I am allowed to have my ache and heat it, too!"

She just stared at me for a moment, shook her head, and walked out of the room...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TurkMcGill
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2019
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Trees aren't stationary...

I was hiking in Olympic NP last year and we took a break. Soaking in the scenery and she was feeling philosophical; she said that 'it must be lonely to be a tree, you just stay in one place forever'. I let that hang in the air for a bit then replied, 'No, eventually you would leave'. She nearly choked on her water.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wolverine_wannabe
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2020
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Why don't Angels use umbrellas?

Because they're too holy.

My son popped this one on me while we were getting soaked in the rain the other day. Not only was it a good joke, but I was proud that he was joking in what was other wise a cold and uncomfortable experience.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/neybar
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2019
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What is an Indian king's favorite type of bath?

A-soak-a

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rebelli65
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2019
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I've been using an ointment recently.

Let that soak in for a minute.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ErwtEnBernie
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2019
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A friend and I were trading sponge puns... (Hint: I really milked it)
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jank_Tank
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2016
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So my wagon got really wet after the storm last night...

I left it beside the shed in the alley. The next morning it was soaked, and super deep with water. I would have just poured it out, but I'm in an apartment and the landlord would get mad; no good place to pour it out. So my buddy gave me this instructional video, and it really helped out. My wagon's dry as a steel owl now thanks to this video. I highly recommend it. It's called "How to Drain Your Wagon".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Perhaps_Xarb
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2019
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I was doing the dishes then SpongeBob came on.

Now the house is soaking wet!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dumb_icon
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2019
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A german tourist jumped into a freezing lake to save someone’s dog...

He told the owner β€œkeep him warm and he vill be fine” the owner asked β€œare you a vet?” The German replied β€œvet? I’m soaking!”

EDIT: Some people feel like I need to make it clear this is not my joke so... it’s not my joke.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mynameisj3sus
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2018
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What do you call Archimedes when he takes a bath?

Professor Soak

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MansSad
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2019
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Patrick is the real star of the show but

Spongebob soaks up all the attention.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Onyx_3
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2017
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I lost my wallet...

It turned up this morning when I opened up the washing machine. Everything inside (cash, credit card, driver's license) was soaking wet.

Dad: "I'm calling the police."

Me: "Why would you do that?"

Dad: "You're guilty of laundering money."

ahh...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gudea_of_Lagash
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2013
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There was man named Demitri who lived in Russia....

Throughout his whole life he was just fascinated with trains. Specifically passenger cars. He would enjoy going on trips with his family.

Demitri grew up and decided to make it his career. Unfortunately the difficult life he had from bullies pushed him towards the bottle and turned him to an alcoholic.

One late night in his shift he wrecked the train killing 10 people. When the courts found out he was drunk while operating they charged him with murder and sentenced him to the electric chair. For his last meal he only requested a simple ripe banana. When his time came the executioner strapped him to chair and asked for any last words. He simply said, "No." The pulled the lever and to everyone's amazement he was unharmed. The government saw this as an act of God and released him.

Couple of years later Dimitri got another job operating locomotives again. Unfortunately bad habits are not easy to quit and he was still an alcoholic. These trains were his only happiness. Unfortunately it happened again. He was drunk and crashed the train this time killing 8 people. He was again sentenced to death by the electric chair. He once again requested a banana. This time executioner really soaked the sponge to not risk a repeat. When the lever was pulled Dimitri was again left unharmed. Once again it was concluded to be another act of God and he was given his freedom.

Dimitri turned to the bottle even more especially having 18 lives gone because of him. He somehow managed to get another job doing what he loved most. It happened again though. This time, 23 people. The courts angry sentenced him one more time to death by electric chair.

When the time for his final meal came he requested another banana. The guards being very visibly upset over the situation denied his request and he was left no last meal. As the time approached and he was strapped to the chair. The executioner had a large grin ready to take this murderous man off Earth. When he pulled the lever however he was still left unharmed.

Furious the executioner cried, "How are you still alive?! You did not eat the banana!"

Dimitri shook his head and simply said, "Oh no officer the banana is not why I'm still alive. It's because I'm a terrible conductor."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jms199456
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2019
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A friend of mine was really excited to tell me about a guy she had just met.

She said he was well-dressed, good-looking and charming. And he was a game ranger.

I said, "I'm sorry to hear that. But, what's a mranger?"

She rolled her eyes as I soaked in the glory. I hope I'll make a good dad.

Edit: changed "also" to "but" for clarity.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zoolander92
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2016
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A new(ish) Dad and Nike

We have a one year old son who is learning to use a cup. Tonight he was on the porch, "drinking" some water wearing a new and adorable little Nike outfit. The shirt got soaked so I took it off and let him continue to "drink" from his cup. Well of course he eventually dumped it on the floor.

So Dad is sitting there and he tells me to "just wipe it up with the shirt".

I say "NO WAY! I'm not using this brand new Nike shirt to clean the floor!"

Dad responds with "Just Do itℒ…"

...and looked at me with a face like it was the most clever hysterical thing that has ever been uttered in human history.

Me and this poor kid have a long road ahead of us...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ketochos
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2013
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A compass, a cough drop, and a match.

As a Boy Scout, we would camp a lot and go on hikes.

One night, we had to do a night hike, alone, for a merit badge. I had left the campsite about an hour earlier and a terrible storm rolled in. The sky opened up and the ground was quickly saturated. I tried to continue my hike for another few minutes, but it got cold and I was chilled and soaked to the bone, so I decided to try to head back to camp.

Lightning was starting to crackle above me, so I thought I should try to take a shortcut to make my hike back quicker. I pulled out my compass and found my direction, but the rain made it impossible to see more than five feet in front of me.

I was looking down at my compass, not paying any attention to where I was going, and suddenly felt weightless. The feeling didn't last long as I thumped down on slippery earth a second later.

I had fallen onto a ledge on the side of a rather steep cliff, the bottom of which was at least fifty feet down.

I sat there, contemplating on how to get back up this cliff as water rolled over the edge ten feet above me. There was nothing to grab onto to pull myself up. I was stuck there.

After a few minutes, I noticed the little ledge I was standing on was slowly getting smaller. The water was coming down so hard it was eroding the tiny bit of safety I had.

I dug through my pockets, thinking maybe I had something, anything, to help me out of my precarious situation. All I had was my compass, a cough drop, and a match. I was screwed.

So, I sat there, watching the edge of the ledge I was on get closer and closer to my feet, when suddenly I felt something pushing on my back.

I turned slightly and saw a wooden box sticking out of the cliff behind me. It was working its way out of the side, the rain surely helping it along. I tried to move away from it, but the ledge wasn't very wide and the box kept coming out, pushing me farther to the weak and failing edge.

As more of the box came out, to my horror, I realized it was a coffin! I had no idea how old it was, but it looked rather rotten. All I could think of was being pushed off this ledge, and the rotten coffin breaking and dropping a skeleton onto my broken and battered body at the bottom.

The coffin crept closer, my foot began to slip. I grabbed onto a root that was sticking out of the cliffside and dug in my pocket once more.

I hurriedly tore the wrapper off the cough drop and stuck it in my mouth. It stopped the coffin.

This joke has been told to me

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TipCleMurican
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2014
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I had a cup of tea in my hand when he said this:

Dad: Do you know why I don't drink tea?

Me: Why?

Dad: Because the prices are too steep.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/susejdotcom
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2014
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Regarding the diets of dairy cows.

I grew up in Vermont. Around my town were plenty of dairy farms, inviting the always wonderful manure aroma. An aroma that nearly forced my father to inhale deeply through his nose, saying, "Ah, fresh Vermont air!"

That's an excellent Dad one liner, as are most dad jokes, but he had another great one that I'm getting to.

You see, the hay bails we saw growing up in Vermont were mostly the cube variety. Hay bailing technology at the time created cubes of hay, so that's what dotted the fields they'd graze in.

As we grew older, we starting noticing the now more common round bails of hay. Dad was not pleased.

I asked him what the problem was or, at least, what his problem was with the round bails. The best jokes are set up when you ask for them.

So, he tells me. New farming technology allowed the round bails to be created more efficiently. They used less fuel in the bailers, took less passes on the field to gather the hay. They used less twine, and even though they didn't fill a truck as well as square bails, there was still a net monetary gain from the efficiency gained elsewhere.

However, studies were done on the bails. The cows approached them differently due to the different alignment of surface area. The way the rain hit the bails and rolled off as opposed to soaking in leached nutrients out of the hay. Some cows even mistook the shape of bail for another animal, and approached them so nervously that their heart rates were known to raise significantly; such a rate that a tinge of acidity could be tasted by those in the know in their milk.

What all of this amounted to... is that with the new round bails of hay, the cows just weren't getting a good square meal.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/estomasi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2013
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I dad joked my manager. .

I work at a pet store and our order of reptiles came in...

Me: I soaked the new guys and put em in there habitats.

Manager: how are they looking?

Me: Good but there's something about the new chameleon.. he might be a problem

Manager: Whats wrong with him?

Me: I don't trust him, he's got shifty eyes

Manager: Oh god, go get ready for the cricket shipment please.

Edit: wall of text

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Joeymuerte
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2015
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I'm pretty proud of this dad joke I told my girlfriend.

I was at her house, and we were cuddling on the bed watching a movie. One of her cats jumps up to the window sill behind us and just lays there watching the rain. After a couple minutes, I ask "Does he always do that?" "Yeah, he enjoys watching the rain" "Aww, look at him there, just soaking it all in..."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/She_Likes_Cloth
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2014
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A german tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my dog. After he climbed out, he said, β€œhere is ze dog, dry him off and keep him warm, he vill be fine. I asked him, β€œare you a vet?”

He said, β€œvet? I’m fucking soaking”

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rohanlahiri05
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2020
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Got bored with my usual beverages so I instead tried soaking a book in hot water

It wasn't great, but it was at least a novel tea.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KenNotKent
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2017
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My dog jumped into some freezing water. A random German tourist jumped in to save him. He told me "Here is ze dog. keep him varm and he vill be just fine". I asked if he was a vet.

"Vet? I'm fucking soaked!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nakedurlrobot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2018
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