When you gotta make Music at 8 but wash Money at 10
πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ni_ko_98
πŸ“…︎ May 19
🚨︎ report
Don't ever have multiple people wash dishes together.

It's difficult for them to stay in sink.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ May 12
🚨︎ report
My wife was planning to wash the bathroom, but it was getting late

...so she had to scrub it.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ddrcoder
πŸ“…︎ May 23
🚨︎ report
What do mermaids wash their fins with?

Tide

πŸ‘︎ 41
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mcerk02
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14
🚨︎ report
How do mermaids wash their clothes?

With tide

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MansNotHot772
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17
🚨︎ report
Every time I wash the dishes at night after dinner, I use a whole bottle of dishwashing liquid.

Another day, another Dawn.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23
🚨︎ report
I sold my washing machine last week because i had a $20 bill in my last wash

I didnt want to be caught money laundering

πŸ‘︎ 285
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Coolrule360
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08
🚨︎ report
My wife hates it when I wash delicates on the casual setting...

She gets too agitated.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bb5x24
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16
🚨︎ report
Don't ever have multiple people wash dishes together.

It's hard for them to stay in sink.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05
🚨︎ report
Saw a bunch of crows wash up on the beach

Must've been murder suicide

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/invisible_being
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11
🚨︎ report
Quarantine Tip #19: Yesterday I ran out of soap and body wash and all I could find was dish detergent.

Then it Dawned on me.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PotBuzz
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21
🚨︎ report
The sign in the bathroom said β€œemployees must wash hands”.

I waited over two hours for an employee to come in to wash my hands before I washed them myself and went home.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/timned88
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19
🚨︎ report
What does Craig David announce when he does a pyjama wash?

"This one goes out to all the P-P-Js"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dnhll19
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12
🚨︎ report
My mum used to wash my hair with lager...

Just found out I was fostered

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TruthSeekingEye
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28
🚨︎ report
Why did the sailor wash the dishes in his boat?

So that it wooden sink.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nirdle
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04
🚨︎ report
How does a mermaid wash their tail?

They use tide

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/deadlyporkchop7
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07
🚨︎ report
Why did the gynecologist wash their hands?

Because they were afraid of crotch-contamination.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cassei
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21
🚨︎ report
Do you know why eskimos wash their clothes in tide?

Because it's too cold out tide (outside)

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kipzer1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
🚨︎ report
In an alternate universe, there’s probably a sentient kitchen wash basin knocking at your front door. Let that sink in,
πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Betamax-86
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the tree wash his hands?

He had sticky fingers.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wimple007
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2019
🚨︎ report
HHH'S car wash
πŸ‘︎ 117
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rocketshoe21
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Uh...... Do I need to wash my eyes if I touch them
πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Addicted2Cornhole
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2019
🚨︎ report
What do ghosts use to wash their hair?

Shamboo

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cool-kid103
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Why does Santa wash his clothes in Tide?

Because it’s too cold outtide.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/saulfineman
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Wash them
πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Acute_web
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2019
🚨︎ report
There was a knock at the door this morning, so I opened it and there was a wash basin on the doorstep. I thought,

"I'd better let this sink in."

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Naptownfellow
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2019
🚨︎ report
I told my son that I wash my hair with poo but I lied.

It’s not real poo, it’s a sham poo.

πŸ‘︎ 106
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DrumSpace
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2019
🚨︎ report
How do they wash laundry in Bangkok?

They use Thai Pods

πŸ‘︎ 42
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/its_ghaba
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2019
🚨︎ report
What's the best time of day to wash your engine?

Dawn, it's tough on grease.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Nano_Jragon
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2019
🚨︎ report
How do you call the place where presidents wash thair car ?

Gorge washing ton

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dodo-says-9
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2019
🚨︎ report
I was washing my dishes and my wife asked if I could wash some extras that she put there.

I'm avoiding it by fleeing to a non-extradish'n country.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RatherBeSkiing
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2019
🚨︎ report
The substance you wash your hair with isn’t made from real feces, it’s fake. You could say it’s sham poo.
πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/idkwhatevsqwert
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2019
🚨︎ report
You know you’re going bald when it takes longer to wash your face.
πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MoistPotatoPeel
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Restrooms in restaurants often have a sign saying "Employees must wash hands".

But after waiting hours, no one has ever helped me with mine!

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MysteryOrange7
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2019
🚨︎ report
You can't wash your Sin.

But if you mend the Cos of it.

Tan it will be better.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kones_6999
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2019
🚨︎ report
i think i’m allergic to this face wash... every time i use it, it KIEHL’S me.
πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Wheezy48
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2019
🚨︎ report
I can't stand people who don't wash their hands.

They make me sick.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/punkgamedev
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Old spice moisturizer with shea butter body wash.
πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xo1opossum
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2019
🚨︎ report
How do you wash clothes at the beach?

With Tide.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2019
🚨︎ report
a man and a man go through car wash

forget car

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Quinnsterr98
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2019
🚨︎ report
-Dad, can I wash the car with you?

-I don't know son, why can't you just use a sponge?

πŸ‘︎ 121
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Cray_z8
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2018
🚨︎ report
My friend has had a wash basin that's been knocking on his front door for 5 hours

Just let that sink in

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GaryTheKnight
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Went to the restroom in a restaurant and saw a sign that said β€œEmployees must wash hands”

I waited as long as I could but nobody came, so I just washed them myself.

πŸ‘︎ 217
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PoopMonster696969
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2018
🚨︎ report
I need to wash this Off off...

It bugs me.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HanShotFirst17
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Remember to wash your hands
πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/theacez
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2019
🚨︎ report
My mother always told me that the best place to mend clothing is in a wash basin

but I don't sink sew.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Xtowers
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Why is it ok to wash your hair with fake poop?

Because it's just a sham poo

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Money_fingers
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2019
🚨︎ report
How do pigs wash themselves?

With ham sanitizer.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bowmore34yr
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Why is it good to wash your eyes with ketchup?

Because Heinzsight is 20/20!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WinglyKing
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2019
🚨︎ report
While he was out, my husband text me 'I think I'll run through the car wash on my way home.'

I replied: 'Probably better to drive the car through.'

πŸ‘︎ 121
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nikkifly
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2018
🚨︎ report
Why does Jesus wash his apostles' feet?

So he can cleanse their soles.

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/christianabiera
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did little Johnny’s mother wash his clothes in Tide?

Because it was too cold outTide.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Scherezad
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Cow wash is just car wash with a Boston accent
πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Yugvijay
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2018
🚨︎ report
Employees Must Wash Hands.

If an employee is not available, wash your own.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pythonhobbit
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Everytime I wash my contacts in water it makes my eyes sting.

If only there was a solution.

πŸ‘︎ 66
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Maimonides_vii
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife suggested I wash the car with our son

I told her a sponge would be better.

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xwhy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2018
🚨︎ report
If you take a shower in the morning, always wash your hair first.

It’ll give you a head start to the day.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2019
🚨︎ report
When is it okay to wash your shoes in the toilet?

When there's a bidet. People use them to wash their booties.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Couldbeurmom
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Whenever I wash my contact lenses with water it never really cleans them right and it stings when I put them in.

If only there was a solution.

πŸ‘︎ 184
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Threeatatime1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2017
🚨︎ report
Let me wash it

Me: Let me do wash your hair, it won’t hurt you.

Her: No, I don’t trust you.

Me: Oh girl, TRESemmΓ©, you’re in good hands and im very good at this.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ImJustSyam
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2018
🚨︎ report
Why do I wash my clothes in Tide?

Cause it’s too darn cold outtide

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lolitamanson
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2019
🚨︎ report
One time a wash basin knocked on my door..

Let that sink in.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Hephsters
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife asked if I helped my kids wash their hands

I said β€œI’d lather not.”

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/teeim
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2018
🚨︎ report
(original joke) So I left a 20 dollar bill in my pants and they went through the wash...

So now I’m wanted for money laundering

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lumber__Zach
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2018
🚨︎ report
There's a wash basin with a faucet on your front porch ringing the bell...

Let that sink in.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/intricate3
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2018
🚨︎ report
What do mermaids wash their fins with?

Tide.

(credit goes to my grandpa)

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wtwoolf
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2018
🚨︎ report
A salon was fined the other day for using synthetic feces to wash hair...

... they got in trouble for using sham poo.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wilkc
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2018
🚨︎ report
I've stopped using shampoo to wash my hair.

Now I only use the real stuff

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/daveberzack
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2017
🚨︎ report
No matter how much I wash my windbreaker, it smells terrible.

It just keeps breaking wind.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SeaTwertle
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2018
🚨︎ report
What does Snoop Dogg wash his whites with?

Bleyach!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TRipley1
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2018
🚨︎ report
If a mute kid swears, does his mom wash his hands off with soap?
πŸ‘︎ 177
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DiggyGrady
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2015
🚨︎ report
Wash your nose...

It smells!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OakTownRinger
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2017
🚨︎ report
Why do eskimos wash their clothes in Tide?

It's too cold to wash them out-tide.

πŸ‘︎ 115
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/whohw
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2015
🚨︎ report
My wife said I should have a word with our son, as she can never find any of his socks to wash...

With a knowing nod, I went to his room.

"Son," I said, "I was your age once and know what it's like, just use something else, eh?"

He seemed relieved as I winked and walked out.

I remember making puppets out of socks and having hours of fun talking to them too.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2017
🚨︎ report
Why do Eskimos wash their clothes in Tide?

Because it's too cold outside... Thanks to friend at the bar.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wraith775
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2017
🚨︎ report
Setting up a Car-Wash Station at Work when I noticed a major safety hazard...

"We need to move our bucket display, they're way too close to the ground. Someone might kick the bucket!"

My manager walked away, but I'm sure he understood my concerns.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Cinnamonico
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2017
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend put my pants in the wash with cash in the pockets.

Me: Baby you know you're a criminal now? Her: What? Why? Me: For money laundering...

Her: Go make sure the door is locked

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MikeTheMadman
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2017
🚨︎ report
Whoever stole my body wash better come clean!
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kopextacy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2017
🚨︎ report
Why did the baker have to wash his hands?

Because he kneaded a poo.

My gf isn't impressed either.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/vysken
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2016
🚨︎ report
My jeans ran in the wash...

I got my white t-shirt out of the wash and it had turned blue. I told my mum that my jeans had ran in the wash and my dad said "ran where" followed by a massive sigh from me and my mother.

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SAW25
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2015
🚨︎ report
Next time I wash my pants, I'm gonna check my pockets for cash...

I wouldn't want to get arrested for money laundering.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/grabyourpopcorn
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2016
🚨︎ report
Why do Eskimos wash their clothes in tide?

Because it’s too cold out tide

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bear-Scout-Mae
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
🚨︎ report
What do mermaids wash their fins with?

Tide

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/UncorruptedQuiver
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2019
🚨︎ report
You know why Eskimos wash their clothes in Tide?

Because it's too cold OUT Tide.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRealWingnut
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Don't ever have multiple people wash dishes together.

It's hard for them to stay in sink.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2019
🚨︎ report
What do mermaids wash their fins with?

Tide

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/winnieismydog
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2017
🚨︎ report

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