Dad can I wash the car with you ?
I dunno son, I prefer you use a sponge
π︎ 39
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︎ Jan 05 2021
I just had a new wash basin delivered to our house for our guest bathroom, but my wife decided that she hates the design so much she won't even let me bring it in off the porch. It has been sitting by our front door for a week, A ENTIRE WEEK.
π︎ 47
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︎ Dec 03 2020
There was a knock at the door this morning. I opened it and there was a wash basin on the doorstep.
I thought, "I'd better let this sink in."
π︎ 10
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︎ Dec 29 2020
I accidentally left some money in my jeans as they went through the wash.
I just worry because I know itβs illegal to launder money.
π︎ 19
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︎ Dec 06 2020
I accidentally left some AA batteries in my pocket when I put them in the wash
That's what I call clean energy
π︎ 22
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︎ Oct 25 2020
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
π︎ 5
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︎ Nov 21 2020
My wife was planning to wash the bathroom, but it was getting late
...so she had to scrub it.
π︎ 2
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︎ May 23 2020
Every time I wash the dishes at night after dinner, I use a whole bottle of dishwashing liquid.
Another day, another Dawn.
π︎ 10
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︎ Apr 23 2020
The sign in the bathroom said βemployees must wash handsβ.
I waited over two hours for an employee to come in to wash my hands before I washed them myself and went home.
π︎ 19
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︎ Jan 19 2020
My wife hates it when I wash delicates on the casual setting...
π︎ 4
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︎ Apr 16 2020
Saw a bunch of crows wash up on the beach
Must've been murder suicide
π︎ 4
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︎ Apr 11 2020
Why did the gynecologist wash their hands?
Because they were afraid of crotch-contamination.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jan 21 2020
Why did the tree wash his hands?
π︎ 6
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︎ Nov 07 2019
Why did the sailor wash the dishes in his boat?
π︎ 2
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︎ Mar 04 2020
-Dad, can I wash the car with you?
-I don't know son, why can't you just use a sponge?
π︎ 118
π
︎ Nov 14 2018
What's the best time of day to wash your engine?
Dawn, it's tough on grease.
π︎ 17
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︎ Aug 05 2019
The substance you wash your hair with isnβt made from real feces, itβs fake. You could say itβs sham poo.
π︎ 8
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︎ Jul 13 2019
Went to the restroom in a restaurant and saw a sign that said βEmployees must wash handsβ
I waited as long as I could but nobody came, so I just washed them myself.
π︎ 219
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︎ Nov 09 2018
How do you call the place where presidents wash thair car ?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Oct 12 2019
How do you wash clothes at the beach?
π︎ 13
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︎ May 27 2019
While he was out, my husband text me 'I think I'll run through the car wash on my way home.'
I replied: 'Probably better to drive the car through.'
π︎ 116
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︎ Oct 12 2018
My mother always told me that the best place to mend clothing is in a wash basin
π︎ 3
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︎ Jul 05 2019
My wife suggested I wash the car with our son
I told her a sponge would be better.
π︎ 28
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︎ Oct 07 2018
When is it okay to wash your shoes in the toilet?
When there's a bidet. People use them to wash their booties.
π︎ 6
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︎ Jan 20 2019
If you take a shower in the morning, always wash your hair first.
Itβll give you a head start to the day.
π︎ 2
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︎ Mar 12 2019
(original joke) So I left a 20 dollar bill in my pants and they went through the wash...
So now Iβm wanted for money laundering
π︎ 7
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︎ Aug 09 2018
There's a wash basin with a faucet on your front porch ringing the bell...
π︎ 4
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︎ Sep 12 2018
A salon was fined the other day for using synthetic feces to wash hair...
... they got in trouble for using sham poo.
π︎ 8
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︎ May 18 2018
My girlfriend put my pants in the wash with cash in the pockets.
Me: Baby you know you're a criminal now?
Her: What? Why?
Me: For money laundering...
Her: Go make sure the door is locked
π︎ 9
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︎ Jan 26 2017
My jeans ran in the wash...
I got my white t-shirt out of the wash and it had turned blue. I told my mum that my jeans had ran in the wash and my dad said "ran where" followed by a massive sigh from me and my mother.
π︎ 23
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︎ Mar 08 2015
Why did the baker have to wash his hands?
Because he kneaded a poo.
My gf isn't impressed either.
π︎ 13
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︎ Mar 12 2016
My dad at the car wash
Driving through the car wash with my dad. Leaving slowly through the rapid dry. Dad turns to me and says "Now that's a blowjob."
π︎ 19
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︎ Dec 06 2014
There was a sign in the restroom that said employees must wash hands
A guy asked the cashier what is he
supposed to do if there's not an employee there to wash his hands...
π︎ 16
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︎ Jan 02 2015
So I found some money on the wash...
Dad looks over newspaper: Money laundering is illegal.
π︎ 4
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︎ Jun 17 2015
The car wash.
I've been too busy to go get an emissions test, so while my mom and I went out to run some errands, my dad did that and also filled my tank and took my car through the wash.
Dad: Did you notice anything different about your car?
Me: No.
Dad: I got you a carwash. I heard that the dirt needs to be changed every 6,000 miles.
Edited because I'm a dummy.
π︎ 4
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︎ Feb 26 2014
There was a knock at the door this morning, so I opened it and there was a wash basin on the doorstep. I thought,
"I'd better let this sink in."
π︎ 6
π
︎ Sep 28 2019
I found some money that went through the wash..
...And my dad said, "is that your laundered money?"
π︎ 2
π
︎ May 27 2014
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