A guy came into the store today and wanted a powdery substance that hardens when adding to water...

That's it... he gave no concrete details.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2020
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I just read a book about the proper application of adhesive substances

I just cant put it down

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hey-reddit-im-dad
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
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Plasticine is a mouldable clay like substance

I was a bit disappointed when trampoline turned out to not be a mouldable tramp.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vbloke
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
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What substance do they make disco floors out of?

Getdowntonite

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bluestu
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
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A chemical warehouse was robbed at gunpoint, the assailants cleaned out all stores of substances with pH above 7.

"All your base are belong to us"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HiddenLayer5
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2019
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I tried to steal some garments and a sweet substance, but only managed to get one of them.

Clothes but not sugar.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2020
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The substance you wash your hair with isn’t made from real feces, it’s fake. You could say it’s sham poo.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/idkwhatevsqwert
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2019
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Toilet paper is the most dangerous substance on earth

It wipes out millions of people every day

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Woodyard801
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2019
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Why don't they send alcoholics to jail for substance abuse?

Too many bars.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_Winged
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
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I found a weird white, sticky and tasty substance in my field where I grow vegetables...

It's the cream of the crop

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dennis584
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
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A man once asked if it was pre-destined for his herbs to secret a white, gooey substance.

The other man replied β€œYour thyme has cum”.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Notla-Wadar
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2018
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Heroine

I walked into a substance abuse clinic for my second meeting yesterday. The doctor knew I had a severe crush on women super heros...today he told me the news.

"Sir I'm afraid it's dire, you need to be checked in immediately for your heroine addiction"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Flameman1995
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
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I must have 10 New Order records but I only ever seem to play one of them.

I have a serious Substance abuse problem

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πŸ‘€︎ u/John_Badman_
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
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I saw this come across the ticker at a sports bar I work at.

What is a sharks favorite illegal substance?

>!Reefer!<

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shooception
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
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We named our son after me...

He doesn't really like the name 'dad' though...

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2017
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I made the mistake of drinking the liquid from a scientist’s test tube.

It was a vial substance.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2019
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My girlfriend dropped this one on me

I've been having some diarrhoea troubles lately, and after another long toilet visit I was delighted to tell her it was starting to get more substance, and becoming less fluid.

She simply replied: I'm glad you're getting your shit together.

Yes, she's still chuckling about it.

EDIT: Whoa, this blew up more than I expected! Thank you all :D I'll be sure to let her read the replies!

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mad_like_hatter
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2016
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The dad joke doctrine

Groanism; like monism, but with even less substance.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ImJesusBro
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2019
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The driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, and ploughed into an empty toll booth, smashing it to pieces.

He didn’t want to get in trouble s o he stopped his truck got out and started to pick up each broken piece of the wreckage and spread a creamy substance on it. Then he began fitting the pieces together. In less than 10 minutes, he had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new. The toll manager came up to him, impressed and said, β€œWow you fixed that fast! What was that stuff you used to stick all the pieces together?”
β€œOh”, said the man, β€œjust a bit of Tollgate booth pasteβ€œ

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dandan_56
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2018
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Yesterday, I told my friend a chemistry joke

But there was no reaction

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xordyboy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2015
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Why is the night sky filled with stars?

If it was filled with regular people, we'd have something of substance up there, and gravity would go to shit.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2016
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Dad Joke 2: The Long Con

My SO noticed a black substance on his car's exhaust tip- carbon from the engine. He touched my nose with it and it stuck. He got as much as he could off, but about 15 minutes later his dad pointed out that there was still some left. I worked at it a little, then wrapped my arms around my SO's shoulder. His dad: "I guess you could say you guys are carbon dating.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BusinessGoat
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2015
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