Batman invited all the superheroes for a discussion on Bitcoin. Superman didn't show up
Because it was Crypto-night
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︎ May 22 2021
What do you call an alligator that shows up suddenly and out of nowhere?
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︎ Apr 24 2021
I was standing in front of the bedroom mirror looking myself over, rather unhappy with what I saw. I told my wife "I feel horrible. I look fat. I'm ugly. When did my hair start retreating like this? When did this stretch mark show up? I could use a compliment honey, my self esteem is in the dumps."
She looked at me and replied "your eyesight is damn near perfect."
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︎ May 12 2021
I invited my hot date to the gym for a training session, but she didn't show up.
That's when I knew that we weren't going to work out.
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︎ Apr 18 2021
My daughter (6) and I were watching a show where the phrase βgelatinous massβ came up..
..so I blurted out, βThatβs what jellyfish call church!β
rimshot
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︎ Feb 24 2021
The deaf girl didnβt show up to her court case yesterday
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︎ Jul 18 2020
The only people to show up to my friendβs funeral were some of his one night stands and some friends from church.
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︎ Nov 18 2020
A crow invited his buddies over to hang out but they didnβt show up.
He was charged with attempted murder.
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︎ Dec 25 2020
Want people to show up? Bring food.
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︎ Jan 05 2021
I told my date to meet me at the gym, but she didnβt show up.
I guess this means we canβt work out.
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︎ Feb 16 2021
There's a new show on BBC where heroin junkies can determine via experts, how much money they've shot up over the years.
It's called,Cash in the Addict.
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︎ Nov 19 2020
The police show up on a crime scene
They walk in and see a man standing over a body with a broken neck. So they take the man into questioning and ask him why he did it, the man said
βIt was a snap decisionβ
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︎ Oct 15 2020
My Dad(64) always shows up to every event 10 minutes after it's started. We bought him a watch, told him the start time was earlier than it was, we've tried everything, but nothing works...
We just have to accept that he's a Late Boomer.
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︎ Nov 01 2020
Why did the stripper show up at the Board of Elections?
She heard they were looking for poll workers.
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︎ Oct 07 2020
Why do the police show up early to peaceful protest?
They like to beat the crowds.
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︎ Oct 06 2020
My co-worker Nicholas is rarely late for work meetings, but it often shows up within 2 minutes of the meeting start time
I guess he likes to show up in the nick of time.
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︎ Sep 07 2020
The cake shows up to the talent show and takes center stage. When the judge asks what is his talent. He replies...
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︎ Jun 16 2020
My kids were watching a show about identical twins re-united after being separated at birth, and in disbelief that they were wearing matching outfits when they met up.
I said, well, they do have the same genes.
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︎ Aug 06 2020
Although at times the cops were able to catch up to that orange car on the Dukes of Hazard tv show...
...GeneralLee they werenβt fast enough
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︎ Aug 23 2020
I wasn't invited to perform on the annual mushroom stand-up comedy show
I guess they must have realized I'm not a fungi.
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︎ Aug 27 2020
Why Is Everyone Happy When The Mushroom Shows Up At The Party?
Because He's A Real Fungi.
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︎ Jul 30 2020
What does a baker call bread that shows up unexpectedly?
π︎ 7
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︎ Jul 24 2020
In the early days of Tesla, they had difficulties getting the CEO to show up on time to meetings, so they trained a puppy to find him and bark until he arrived...
...all they had to say was "get Elon little doggie".
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︎ Jul 02 2020
A priest is sitting at a bar when a rabbi shows up. The rabbi says,
"well I walked right into that one, didn't I?"
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︎ Jun 06 2020
A local man shows up to his local Starbucks for his daily cup of coffee.
βGrande macchiato with oat milk, please.β
The cashier started to process his order, until the man asked βWhy are you wearing a surgical mask?β
βIβm notβ, said the barista, βitβs a coughy filterβ.
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︎ May 08 2020
A comedian would do a set, each show, where he sprinted to either side of the stage with his mouth tied up.
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︎ May 26 2020
"German talent show contestants puts string of sausages up her bum" .. this performance was the wurst
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︎ Nov 11 2019
What do you call a nordic person who never shows up on time?
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︎ Apr 03 2020
I was in the pub having a drink when a girl came up to me and said she can show me a good time. So I followed her out the back where she took off her top...
...and she ran 100m in 10 seconds
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︎ Jan 21 2020
Why didnβt the cannibal show up late for dinner?
He was afraid heβd get the cold shoulder.
π︎ 5
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︎ Feb 26 2020
My doctor didnβt show up to the appointment about my hairline....
He said it got pushed back
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︎ Oct 23 2019
The people who actually show up to the Area 51 raid are really gonna go out with a bang.
π︎ 5
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︎ Jul 12 2019
Listen, I know you think you're just so great for doing show jumping on a drugged up stallion but... I
I think you should get off your high horse.
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︎ Dec 18 2019
My mom told me her lawyer always shows up to court wearing the same thing
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︎ Jun 19 2019
I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and I didnβt show up.
I hope she gets the message that weβre not working out.
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︎ Sep 24 2019
What do you call it when a bunch of crows accidentally show up to the same place at the same time?
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︎ Sep 19 2019
I asked my daughter why her electrician boyfriend didnβt show up for their date.
No shock: He was grounded
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︎ Oct 14 2018
Why were the vowels sad when they said John Cena would show up
It's not like U could see him anyway
π︎ 3
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︎ Nov 16 2019
Copper better be careful, if Zinc shows up they could both be charged with battery
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︎ Feb 24 2018
A southern gentleman shows up for his vasectomy wearing a tuxedo
The doctor asks "why are you dressed like that?"
"If I'm going to be impotent, I want to look impotent."
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︎ Jul 26 2019
Every day, my professor starts her class by reading to us the important news of the day. Today she didnβt show up.
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︎ Jun 21 2019
My date was supposed meet me at the gym but they didn't show up.
That's when I knew we weren't going to work out.
π︎ 1k
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︎ Feb 08 2021
I asked my date to meet me at the gym today. She didnβt show up.
That's when I knew we weren't gonna work out.
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︎ Feb 06 2021
Why do the police show up early to the riots?
π︎ 15
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︎ Sep 07 2020
What do you give a cannibal that shows up late to a dinner party?
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︎ Mar 20 2019
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