I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin.

The jokes weren’t that good, but I liked the execution.

πŸ‘︎ 137
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/superuglypotate
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2021
🚨︎ report
What's the opposite of stand up comedy ?

A sitcom.

πŸ‘︎ 45
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2021
🚨︎ report
Does Caitlyn Jenner stand up on the subway?

No. It's transit.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/omnicidial
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2021
🚨︎ report
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/smellypants5379
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the owls stand up performance?

It was a real hoot

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/THPSROCKS
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2021
🚨︎ report
I retired from boxing to become a stand up comic

I had too many punchlines in my head

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pathrado
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2021
🚨︎ report
What’s the difference between a lousy trashy stand up comedian, and a father making jokes about pens?

One is bad at telling dick jokes, the other is dad at telling Bic jokes.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ParticleDetector
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2021
🚨︎ report
I tried to become a stand up comedian, but it turns out that I am more of a "sit down" comedian.

After every joke I told, someone kept yelling "sit down"!

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the meat cutter decide against a career in stand-up comedy?

He was afraid he would butcher all the jokes.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Joesdad65
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2021
🚨︎ report
The sergeant asked the private to 'stand up straight'.

The private said, "That's a tall order, sir."

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KnightmareRival
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
🚨︎ report
My Himalayan friend has a cow that refuses to stand up.

I always see Himalayan there.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/-taco-rice-
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do we stand up when we are cold?

Piloerection

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dengsta
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2021
🚨︎ report
The only people to show up to my friend’s funeral were some of his one night stands and some friends from church.

Thots and prayers

πŸ‘︎ 661
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/letsgorbg
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Our plumber moonlights as a stand-up comedian.

He's a terrible plumber, but he really cracks me up.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kdlaz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
🚨︎ report
Touring stand-ups keep getting covid.

I guess laughter isn’t the best medicine.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/javaxcore
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
🚨︎ report
Why can’t bicycles stand up by themselves?

Because they are two tired.

πŸ‘︎ 42
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/obenssonosias
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two-tired

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MangoAway17
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Two British monks set up a small snack stand at the parish fair.

They divided the duties equally: one was the fish friar, and the other was

the chip monk!

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/franksymptoms
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
🚨︎ report
A Buddhist walked up to a hot dog stand...

And said β€œmake me one with everything”

-Robin Williams.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/J3ster80
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I've decided to base my stand up routine around hollowed-out cones

Funnely enough

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Magooster14
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I’d first like to make sure this thing is working. If your name is Michael, please stand up.

That concludes the mike check

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SZT2
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I just realized they can't ever make a movie about a male scandanavian Transformer who works as a stand-up comedian.

They'd be guilty of vehicle Lars mans laughter.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tayrog77
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I think it’s so important to keep speeches short and meaningful, I just stand up and say plethora

It means a lot

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AWilfred11
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I can't stand stuck-up bodies of water.

I mean, get over yourself, Lake Superior.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MannDude
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Last night, there was such an amazing stand-up comedian at the party that we decided to raise our glasses filled with alcohol to praise him.

Our spirits were lifted.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MokshK
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I wasn't invited to perform on the annual mushroom stand-up comedy show

I guess they must have realized I'm not a fungi.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Abaght
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
🚨︎ report
You are watching a stand-up comedy and suddenly the comedian sits down

Its a sitcom now

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/muddubooboo
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Before the crash, I use to be a a pretty good stand up comedian

Now I'm a sit down comedian.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/King_Sparky_
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2020
🚨︎ report
At Bob's retirement party the Director stands up and says "I'd just like to say a word about Bob", clears his throat and then says, "plethora",

Bob turns to him and says, "thank you, that means a lot".

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Nomadic187187
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend decided to do stand up comedy in a cemetery

It was a grave mistake

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ayyyyysdf165
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
🚨︎ report
People usually say, β€œlet’s blow this popsicle stand,” when they are at a place where people are cold and have the proverbial, β€œstick up their ass.”
πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ForestValkyrie
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend used to get so nervous that he peed his pants every time he had to stand up in his third grade class.

Finally he quit his job as a teacher.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I really want to see Patrick Warburton do a stand-up comedy act where he just reads dad jokes.

That shit would be Kronk.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheTayloceraptor
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin.

The jokes weren't that good ,but I liked the execution

πŸ‘︎ 68
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ssr0203
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2021
🚨︎ report
"Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?"

"It was two tired."

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PersonWalker
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Why can’t a bicycle stand up by itself?

It’s two tired

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bob-Frapples
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up?

Because it was two tired.

πŸ‘︎ 123
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired!

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Odinnextgen
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired..

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SomeRacoon555
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FlintTheDad
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report
A Zen master walked up to a hot dog stand, and ordered himself a meal.

"Make me one with everything."

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LatinousNamous
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
🚨︎ report
My Himalayan friend has a bull that refuses to stand up.

I always see Himalayan there.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/engineerwho_
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up on its own?

It was two tired.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/politicalmonster1
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xd_Aayush11
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired!

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dani_SF
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Why can't a bicycle stand up on its own?

Because it is two-tired.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheCrunchyToast2
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up on its own?

Because it was two-tired.

Classic

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MoistBands
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
🚨︎ report

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