True story: I was visiting my wife in the hospital but the room didn't have a bed to lay down in so I laid down on the floor since I was tired. The nurse came in and asked "having a good time down there"?
I said "oh yeah. I'm just floored".
π︎ 11
π
︎ Apr 14 2021
At least he got laid before he died
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Sep 29 2020
I have just laid a chicken proof lawn.
π︎ 67
π
︎ Jan 15 2021
A fat man came into the store trying to decide if he wanted a hammock. He laid down in the display model and I tried pushing him so he could feel what it was like to gently rock. I wasn't strong enough. He left without purchasing it.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Mar 03 2021
Did you know, if you took out your brain, and laid every neuron out in a line . . .
π︎ 21
π
︎ Feb 03 2021
Went to a buffet laid on for taxidermists...
....and absolutely stuffed myself.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Feb 20 2021
Did you know that if you took the Eiffel Tower apart and laid each piece end to end...
you could go to jail for a very long time?
π︎ 17
π
︎ Nov 16 2020
Haven't got laid in so long I'm getting turned on by Dwayne Johnson's buttocks
I think I'm hitting ROCK BOTTOM
π︎ 15
π
︎ Nov 15 2020
A young boy and his dad laid on the grass, looking at the sky. The boy asked, "Dad, will you teach me about the sky?"
The dad replied, "Son, it's way over your head."
π︎ 4
π
︎ Oct 21 2020
Did you hear the nursery rhyme where one letter gets laid then leaves the other letter?
π︎ 8
π
︎ Sep 09 2020
Had a painter round. He said he was a laid off US Airline pilot ..
Made a great job of the landing ..
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jul 11 2020
A man told me that throwing my drinks at him wouldn't hurt because I only drink soft drinks. But he was laid out when I threw a can of Arizona.
I guess he didn't expect a my tea throw.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Apr 09 2020
If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line
Theyβd all be a lot more comfortable
π︎ 194
π
︎ Nov 19 2019
What happens to a firefighter when he gets laid off?
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jan 03 2020
I laid this one on my wife this morning
Wife: "Wow son! You had so much to eat this morning! Papa makes the best eggs."
Me: "I think chickens make the best eggs."
π
π︎ 29
π
︎ Dec 27 2019
This pun needs to be laid to rest...
π︎ 33
π
︎ Jan 13 2019
Iβve been torturing my 12yo son with dad jokes for the last month or so...he came in first thing this morning and laid this one on me...
Where do sunburned dinosaurs go for help?
The Allosaurus.
He earned a high-five for that one.
π︎ 147
π
︎ Dec 27 2018
Iβll never get laid with this username because...
itβll always scare the chicks away...
π︎ 6
π
︎ Mar 31 2019
My 7-year-old laid this one on me today...
When asked the question, "What came first, the chicken or the egg" the boy stared out the window for a few and came back with...
"I don't know, dad, I can't crack that one."
He had no idea why I was laughing so hard.
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Apr 03 2015
My little brother just laid down a perfect dad joke..
My brother and I are watching Star Wars VI. The Rebel Alliance is talking about destroying the shields on the planet Endor. I turn to my brother and ask him, "Isn't Endor the planet with the forests and tall trees?". He grins, turns to me, and says, "No; that's Outdoor". I'm astounded a 12 year old could be so clever.
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Dec 02 2013
Did you hear about the rooster who laid eggs?
He had plenty of dad yolks to go around
π︎ 2
π
︎ Oct 25 2019
A man was in court against another man who had trespassed on his property while freshly laid asphalt was drying, leaving a footprint.
For some reason, the judge was in favor of the trespasser.
The man slammed his hand down on the table. βBut I have concrete proof!β
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jan 31 2019
My dad got laid off last week and today was his last day of work.
He sent my mom and I this picture looking into his office. A parting joke well done.
https://imgur.com/gallery/Z92Ifjx
π︎ 2
π
︎ Feb 15 2019
I didnβt like this artificial turf when we laid it
But itβs growing on me now
π︎ 2
π
︎ Sep 20 2019
My electrician friend was laid off today
π︎ 52
π
︎ Mar 25 2018
As Ron laid on the floor armless, they were attempting to figure out what spell he had used.
βYou were supposed to be practicing expelliarmus on him, not this!β
βThatβs what I did! I disarmed him!β
π︎ 5
π
︎ Dec 11 2018
I want to create an app for perimenopausal women who are looking get laid.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Nov 06 2018
Had colonoscopy the other day and laid this one on the doctors while waiting to pass out: I'm gonna put you guys down in my resume as references.
You are the only people who really know me inside out.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Feb 17 2019
If 8 got laid...
she would be fucking without any limits.
π︎ 72
π
︎ Jan 29 2015
Bricks getting laid
π︎ 17
π
︎ Nov 26 2017
My dad just laid this math joke on me:
"What's 5q + 5q?" he asks
"I don't know... 10q?" I answer
"You're welcome!" he says, laughing.
If you don't get it, say it out loud.
EDIT: If you still don't get it, 10q sounds like "Thank you" (or at least is supposed to).
π︎ 85
π
︎ Oct 03 2015
How did the brick learn how to get laid?
It went on a course.
Came up with this today while laying bricks :) Possibly a bit niche outside of a building site.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Nov 19 2018
Laid this one on my girlfriend last night...
Her - "I love this little purse. I hardly ever wear it because it's so small. I'm always forgetting what's inside it. It's always exciting to see what I'll find!"
Me - "huh, I guess one might say it's a grab bag. (insert dad face)
P.s. I don't know how to italicize.
π︎ 67
π
︎ Jan 16 2016
I was laid off today.
Don't worry, it's an occupational hazard.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jan 09 2019
Father-In-Law just laid this one on the wife and I
So my wife is working on Genealogy stuff, and was asking her dad about some of his family history. After telling a few stories about some of his other uncles, he comes to his uncle Charles. "I was named after him, you know..." he tells us.
We look at him more than a bit incredulously, as his name is Michael.
He smiles and says "What? I sure as hell wasn't named BEFORE him..."
π︎ 125
π
︎ Dec 13 2013
My dad just Laid this down on my step mom
SM: βI bought some shaved Parmesan and manchegoβ
D: βoh good that hairy Parmesan was no good last timeβ
π︎ 13
π
︎ Nov 19 2017
Stepfather laid this one on me during My Strange Addiction.
Girl on the show is addicted to sniffing moth balls and he says:
"It must be hard for those moths to fly with balls that big."
π︎ 132
π
︎ Jan 23 2014
A chicken went to visit New York City to visit her brother who had just laid an egg.
A New York new yolk.
My 8 year old daughter just made this one up over dinner in little Italy. We're in the city visiting my wife's brother's family who had their first baby last summer. I was pretty impressed and had to share.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Dec 28 2016
Newsweek magazine laid off some staff recently
They called Time on their careers
π︎ 5
π
︎ Feb 21 2018
Girls find my pet duck cute, it helps me get laid.
You could say it's my wingman.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Feb 18 2018
My son laid this one on me today.
We were walking past a shop in which there was a dog.
DS:what type of dog is that?
Me: a boxer.
DS: no it's not.
Me: yes it is.
DS: then where's his gloves?
(I know this isn't like most posts here but thought it might pass)
edit: he's 12 by the way. And already all about the puns. I feel for any children he has in the future)
π︎ 7
π
︎ Sep 13 2017
Girlfriend asked me what I would give up to get laid
I answered, "my virginity"
π︎ 27
π
︎ Dec 22 2015
Have you heard the legend of the rival twin brothers who laid the foundations for Google Chrome?
π︎ 16
π
︎ Mar 25 2017
Did you hear about all the neurons being laid off?
Lots of them are being fired
π︎ 13
π
︎ Feb 26 2017
Dad just laid this one on me
Mom: "My ear is ringing."
Dad: "Well don't be rude, answer it."
π︎ 147
π
︎ Sep 21 2013
Did you know that if you took all of your blood vessels and laid them out end to end...
π︎ 5
π
︎ Sep 02 2019
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
