At least he got laid before he died
πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
🚨︎ report
A fat man came into the store trying to decide if he wanted a hammock. He laid down in the display model and I tried pushing him so he could feel what it was like to gently rock. I wasn't strong enough. He left without purchasing it.

I couldn't sway him.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2021
🚨︎ report
Went to a buffet laid on for taxidermists...

....and absolutely stuffed myself.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you know, if you took out your brain, and laid every neuron out in a line . . .

. . . you would die.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/majestic_walrus1
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2021
🚨︎ report
I have just laid a chicken proof lawn.

It is impeccable.

πŸ‘︎ 68
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you know that if you took the Eiffel Tower apart and laid each piece end to end...

you could go to jail for a very long time?

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Haven't got laid in so long I'm getting turned on by Dwayne Johnson's buttocks

I think I'm hitting ROCK BOTTOM

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/d7my_d7oom
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
A young boy and his dad laid on the grass, looking at the sky. The boy asked, "Dad, will you teach me about the sky?"

The dad replied, "Son, it's way over your head."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/whitethunder9
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear the nursery rhyme where one letter gets laid then leaves the other letter?

Humped D dumped E

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Had a painter round. He said he was a laid off US Airline pilot ..

Made a great job of the landing ..

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SSidViciouSS
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2020
🚨︎ report
A man told me that throwing my drinks at him wouldn't hurt because I only drink soft drinks. But he was laid out when I threw a can of Arizona.

I guess he didn't expect a my tea throw.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2020
🚨︎ report
If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line

They’d all be a lot more comfortable

πŸ‘︎ 198
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dandan_56
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2019
🚨︎ report
What happens to a firefighter when he gets laid off?

He gets fired.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/georgiaraisef
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I laid this one on my wife this morning

Wife: "Wow son! You had so much to eat this morning! Papa makes the best eggs."

Me: "I think chickens make the best eggs."

πŸ”

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zxian
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2019
🚨︎ report
This pun needs to be laid to rest...
πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MilPens
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2019
🚨︎ report
I’ll never get laid with this username because...

it’ll always scare the chicks away...

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/smash_the_eggs
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2019
🚨︎ report
I’ve been torturing my 12yo son with dad jokes for the last month or so...he came in first thing this morning and laid this one on me...

Where do sunburned dinosaurs go for help?

The Allosaurus.

He earned a high-five for that one.

πŸ‘︎ 144
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MissBecka
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2018
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the rooster who laid eggs?

He had plenty of dad yolks to go around

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quisenburg
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2019
🚨︎ report
My 7-year-old laid this one on me today...

When asked the question, "What came first, the chicken or the egg" the boy stared out the window for a few and came back with...

"I don't know, dad, I can't crack that one."

He had no idea why I was laughing so hard.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RighteousBucks
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2015
🚨︎ report
My little brother just laid down a perfect dad joke..

My brother and I are watching Star Wars VI. The Rebel Alliance is talking about destroying the shields on the planet Endor. I turn to my brother and ask him, "Isn't Endor the planet with the forests and tall trees?". He grins, turns to me, and says, "No; that's Outdoor". I'm astounded a 12 year old could be so clever.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/toomuchlovin
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2013
🚨︎ report
I didn’t like this artificial turf when we laid it

But it’s growing on me now

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/magicrichy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2019
🚨︎ report
A man was in court against another man who had trespassed on his property while freshly laid asphalt was drying, leaving a footprint.

For some reason, the judge was in favor of the trespasser.

The man slammed his hand down on the table. β€œBut I have concrete proof!”

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Majikin__
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad got laid off last week and today was his last day of work.

He sent my mom and I this picture looking into his office. A parting joke well done.

https://imgur.com/gallery/Z92Ifjx

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ben_skr44
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2019
🚨︎ report
My electrician friend was laid off today

He was delighted.

πŸ‘︎ 53
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TorchTheRed
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2018
🚨︎ report
As Ron laid on the floor armless, they were attempting to figure out what spell he had used.

β€œYou were supposed to be practicing expelliarmus on him, not this!”

β€œThat’s what I did! I disarmed him!”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/frickmylifeeeeeee
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2018
🚨︎ report
I want to create an app for perimenopausal women who are looking get laid.

Call it gametes.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dyspaereunia
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2018
🚨︎ report
Had colonoscopy the other day and laid this one on the doctors while waiting to pass out: I'm gonna put you guys down in my resume as references.

You are the only people who really know me inside out.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kenef
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2019
🚨︎ report
If 8 got laid...

she would be fucking without any limits.

πŸ‘︎ 72
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kaleidosky
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2015
🚨︎ report
Bricks getting laid
πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mangopojke
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2017
🚨︎ report
How did the brick learn how to get laid?

It went on a course.

Came up with this today while laying bricks :) Possibly a bit niche outside of a building site.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AssumedPersona
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2018
🚨︎ report
I was laid off today.

Don't worry, it's an occupational hazard.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/canadaduane
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad just laid this math joke on me:

"What's 5q + 5q?" he asks

"I don't know... 10q?" I answer

"You're welcome!" he says, laughing.

If you don't get it, say it out loud.

EDIT: If you still don't get it, 10q sounds like "Thank you" (or at least is supposed to).

πŸ‘︎ 84
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lancier
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2015
🚨︎ report
Laid this one on my girlfriend last night...

Her - "I love this little purse. I hardly ever wear it because it's so small. I'm always forgetting what's inside it. It's always exciting to see what I'll find!"

Me - "huh, I guess one might say it's a grab bag. (insert dad face)

P.s. I don't know how to italicize.

πŸ‘︎ 73
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WinkleStinkle
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2016
🚨︎ report
Father-In-Law just laid this one on the wife and I

So my wife is working on Genealogy stuff, and was asking her dad about some of his family history. After telling a few stories about some of his other uncles, he comes to his uncle Charles. "I was named after him, you know..." he tells us.

We look at him more than a bit incredulously, as his name is Michael.

He smiles and says "What? I sure as hell wasn't named BEFORE him..."

πŸ‘︎ 129
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ohnoesazombie
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2013
🚨︎ report
My dad just Laid this down on my step mom

SM: β€œI bought some shaved Parmesan and manchego”

D: β€œoh good that hairy Parmesan was no good last time”

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/blueguy1271
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2017
🚨︎ report
Newsweek magazine laid off some staff recently

They called Time on their careers

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hnd123
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2018
🚨︎ report
Stepfather laid this one on me during My Strange Addiction.

Girl on the show is addicted to sniffing moth balls and he says:

"It must be hard for those moths to fly with balls that big."

πŸ‘︎ 133
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wise_Broseph
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2014
🚨︎ report
A chicken went to visit New York City to visit her brother who had just laid an egg.

A New York new yolk.

My 8 year old daughter just made this one up over dinner in little Italy. We're in the city visiting my wife's brother's family who had their first baby last summer. I was pretty impressed and had to share.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cazbot
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2016
🚨︎ report
Girls find my pet duck cute, it helps me get laid.

You could say it's my wingman.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hunter_6_
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2018
🚨︎ report
My son laid this one on me today.

We were walking past a shop in which there was a dog.

DS:what type of dog is that?

Me: a boxer.

DS: no it's not.

Me: yes it is.

DS: then where's his gloves?

(I know this isn't like most posts here but thought it might pass)

edit: he's 12 by the way. And already all about the puns. I feel for any children he has in the future)

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zombeedee
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2017
🚨︎ report
Girlfriend asked me what I would give up to get laid

I answered, "my virginity"

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/toboggan_
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2015
🚨︎ report
Have you heard the legend of the rival twin brothers who laid the foundations for Google Chrome?

Chromulus and Chremus.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Austinja
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2017
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about all the neurons being laid off?

Lots of them are being fired

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/taylyn_conner
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2017
🚨︎ report
My dad laid this one out on me today

My dad has a slight arabic accent. We approached an orange light and he said:

Dad: Another orange light

Me: It's because you're bad luck

Dad: No, I'm with numbers

Me: What?

Dad: I'm a lock with numbers, not a padlock

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chroncile
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2016
🚨︎ report
Dad just laid this one on me

Mom: "My ear is ringing." Dad: "Well don't be rude, answer it."

πŸ‘︎ 143
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AndrewFreeman
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2013
🚨︎ report
Did you know that if you took all of your blood vessels and laid them out end to end...

you'd die?

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hardonpotter6969
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2019
🚨︎ report

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