About a year ago, my girlfriend left me for a Kenyan athlete. We remained friends, but I haven’t heard from her in a while.

I guess Lorraine’s down in Africa.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/great_red_dragon
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2018
🚨︎ report
Why are locksmiths allowed to remain open during lockdown?

They are key workers

πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CarBoobSale
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was the US mad at Canada for remaining part of the commonwealth?

Because being stuck with the land of the Angles is obtuse

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wnlm
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Something that remains twisted after being undone...

A twist tie!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GetItGotItProfIt
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Approximately 95% of all ocean critters remain undiscovered.

The ocean keeps its sea crits.

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RayInRed
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Will glass coffins be a success?

Remains to be seen.

πŸ‘︎ 43
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Merlin-5
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
🚨︎ report
Will glass coffins ever become popular?

Remains to be seen

πŸ‘︎ 379
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Deadly_R
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Ever hear what happened to the dead guy who was put on display?

Remains to be seen.

πŸ‘︎ 61
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MahlonMurder
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
🚨︎ report
I went to an archaeology party where they were looking for remains of a lower leg

It was quite the shindig

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jdelisi18
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Some Campy Humor

Three men go camping in the wilderness; a German, an Italian and a Czechoslovakian. While asleep, their campsite is attacked by a couple of bears and all 3 men are presumed killed. Forest Rangers get deployed to find the missing campers. After inspecting the campsite, the Rangers discover the bear tracks and follow them to the den. Inside are the 2 bears, a male and a female, which the Rangers quickly kill. First, they opened the stomach of the female and inside were the remains of the German and Italian men.

"Looks like our work here is done," the lead Ranger says to his partner.

"But we only found 2 bodies!" The partner cries back.

The Ranger removes his sunglasses and looks vacantly into the distance before finally telling his partner:

"Clearly the Czech is in the male."

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife ran over someone , and was sentenced to 10 years imprisonment.

She got out after 5 years and I had to serve the remaining 5.

We always finish each others sentences.

πŸ‘︎ 64
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rhshi14
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Why does a dad joke remain a dad joke?

Because it’s dadicated.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rezion77
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to a lawyer, and asked him whether I can sue the airline.

He said, β€œYou don’t have much of a case.”

πŸ‘︎ 190
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a candle made up of the melted remains of other candles?

Frankincense

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SquishedGremlin
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Remains to be seen
πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
🚨︎ report
I've heard that after a beheading, one remains aware for a few seconds afterwards

If that ever happens to you, quit while you're ahead

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thefrechiest_fry
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Remains to be seen!
πŸ‘︎ 71
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/aska11415
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Remains to be seen...
πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Nerfwarriors
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2017
🚨︎ report
Remains to be seen.
πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/3bdilra7man
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2019
🚨︎ report
A guy walks into a bar with a dog and the bartender says "No pets allowed!"

The guy says "This isn't a pet, he's my friend and he can talk."

The bartender is skeptical and demands the guy proves it.

The guy asks the dog "What's the opposite of 'soft'?" The dog replies "Rough!"

The bartender remains skeptical and asks for more proof.

The guy asks the dog "What do people put over the top of their house?" The dog replies "Roof!"

The bartender gets annoyed and gives the guy one more chance.

The guy asks the dog "Who is the greatest baseball player of all time? Babe......" The dog replies "Ruth!"

The bartender is fed up and throws them out. The dog says "Should I have said 'Lou Gehrig?'"

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I used to randomly sort resumes into 2 piles. One of the piles I'd throw out. The ones in the remaining were lucky enough to go to step 2.

I guess I wasn't much of a police detective.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2019
🚨︎ report
The Tower of Pisa was trying hard to remain politically neutral...

...but it was leaning too far right!

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/space0watch
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Glass urns coming to the market now. How well they will sell? Remains to be seen.
πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gr8prajwalb
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad, what does that graveyard-exhibit showcase?

Remains to be seen

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I heard the King of spain caught Covid...

Heard he tested positive while on his plane going somewhere, now he has to quarantine there.

So the Reign in Spain remains solely on the Plane.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mmohon
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Son: What’s in that fancy beer mug on the mantel?

Me: Well, that’s your Uncle Frank. That’s where he wanted his remains. It was his favorite beer stein. He always said it would be funny. Never understood why.

Son: Maybe it’s so he could be Frank in Stein

Me: That son of a bitch!

πŸ‘︎ 144
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/StealthSpyda215
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
A mime in my town was arrested yesterday after breaking his left arm in a bar fight.

He still has the right to remain silent.

πŸ‘︎ 98
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
My grandfather’s last wish was that we scatter his remains in the sea.

Everyone at the beach started freaking out though, because we didn’t cremate him.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2019
🚨︎ report
I have been pushing the envelope all my life

But it still remains stationery.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/letsgetrandy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."

So they did.

Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.

And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

πŸ‘︎ 21k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2019
🚨︎ report
For the longest time I couldn’t figure out how I tripped over the remains of that tree.

I was stumped.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mynickname86
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2018
🚨︎ report
Glass coffins - will they gain popularity?

Remains to be seen!

πŸ‘︎ 300
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sierrasport
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
🚨︎ report
An Irishman finds a genie

All offenses aside, I’m originally from Britain and we make fun of the Irish ALL the time.

So an Irishman stumbles upon a genie’s lamp and says to himself β€œooh laddy what have we found here? I tink I’ll give it a rub to see if a genie appears!”

So he does, and lo, a puff of blue smoke comes pouring out of the spout, billows into the air and the genie’s form becomes solid. It speaks, β€œOh master of the lamp, I am your genie and I grant you three wishes.”

The Irishman’s eyes are wide open with glee, his cheeks and nose red with fire, he shouts β€œtree wishes?! That’s just brilliant!” For me first wish, I’ll have a bottle of whiskey that never runs dry.”

The genie, eyes rolling, clicks his fingers and POOF a nice big bottle of whiskey appears before the Irishman. β€œWell I tink we’ll have to put this to the test!” He snatches up the bottle, takes a long healthy swig, glug glug glug, and the bottle pops as he releases it from his lips, β€œAhhhhhhhh!!!” And to his amazement as soon as the liquid in the bottle settled, it gave a large burping β€œbulp!”, released a large bubble, and when the bubble popped the bottle was full again. β€œWELL I’LL BE! THAT’S THE MOST INCREDIBLE TING!”

The genie, steadfastly unimpressed, reminded the Irishman β€œMaster, I will bring you fortune, splendor, reputation, treasures beyond any imagination. You have two wishes remaining. What would master want for a wish?”

The Irishman looks to the genie and says β€œoh tat’s easy! I’ll have two more of these!”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bbacconnn
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad: Thanks for doing your chores Emily, unlike some children who will remain unnamed

Son: tears welling up please give me a name dad I'm almost 17

πŸ‘︎ 38
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jackson160
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2018
🚨︎ report
Will they be popular? Remains to be seen.
πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bpooqd
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2018
🚨︎ report
I went to an archeology party yesterday where they were only looking for remains of a lower leg

It was quite the shindig.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DistortedWolf
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Is it the time to adopt glass coffins?

remains to be seen!

πŸ‘︎ 46
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/malhosainy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I wonder, will glass coffins be popular someday?

... Remains to be seen.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SaintFistopher
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report
Remains to be seen if glass coffins become popular
πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Dainty_Shiv
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Will glass coffins become popular?

Remains to be seen.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/King_Arthur24
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to a lawyer, and asked him whether I can sue the airline.

He said you don’t have much of a case.

πŸ‘︎ 37
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mark30322
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Do you think glass coffins will become popular?

Remains to be seen.

πŸ‘︎ 49
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Will glass coffins become popular?

Remains to be seen!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/King_Arthur24
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I took the damaged remains of my luggage to a lawyer and said, β€œI want to sue the airline!”

The lawyer said, β€œYou don’t seem to have too much of a case.”

πŸ‘︎ 87
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2018
🚨︎ report
Son: what's that in the beer glass on the mantle? Me: well, that's your uncle Frank that's where he wanted his remains. It was his favourite beer stein. He always said it would be funny, never got why.

Son: maybe it's so he could be a frank in stein? Me: Dammit Frank!

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Boon904
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
🚨︎ report
A mime in my town was arrested yesterday after breaking his left arm in a bar fight.

He still has the right to remain silent.

πŸ‘︎ 57
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I showed my lawyer the damaged remains of my bag and asked him whether I can sue the airline.

He said, β€œYou don’t seem to have much of a case.”

πŸ‘︎ 102
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Will glass coffins be a success?

Remains to be seen.

πŸ‘︎ 505
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chocolate-queen
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
🚨︎ report

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