Sorry I've been so quiet here today. I've been keeping a close eye on the local news. Apparently there's a lad going around stabbing people with knitting needles.
Police say he may be following a pattern.
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︎ Jan 22 2021
I owe a lot to the sidewalks. Theyβve been keeping me off the streets for years.
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︎ Jan 01 2021
Schools today are serious about keeping sickness away. They even sent the espresso home today.
Because it was a little coffee.
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︎ Jan 06 2021
My grandpa used to have a job keeping score at baseball games. Every time someone scored a run, he'd whack up a mark on a chalkboard.
Nowadays you'd call him a scorekeeper, but back then he was a tally whacker.
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︎ Sep 21 2020
Keeping tropical fish at home can have a calming effect on the brain
Due to all the indoor fins.
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︎ Aug 10 2020
Hey everyone, thanks for keeping this community awesome, but due to several reasons, I've decided to stop making dad jokes, here's why
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︎ Mar 31 2020
Dewey's doctor has been keeping track of all of his moles. The location and size of them. He's so thorough that he measures them all the way down to tenths.
He called it the Dewey deci-mole system..
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︎ Aug 14 2020
I think when this pandemic is over with, we need to have a day to celebrate truckers, for keeping the country running throughout all this. Maybe October 4th?
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︎ Mar 26 2020
What animal is the best at keeping your medical information confidential?
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︎ Jun 23 2020
Covid19 is keeping things on the DOW low.
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︎ Apr 02 2020
I don't know if keeping 2m distance from each other is such a smart idea...
Definitely not as I'm driving on the highway.
Sauce: my dad.
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︎ Apr 04 2020
Keeping the puns alive
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︎ Nov 21 2019
Who is in charge of keeping the ocean clean?
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︎ Mar 11 2020
Big shout out to all the sidewalks for keeping me off the streets!
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︎ Dec 04 2019
Did you hear that the Pope is keeping all the Cardinals on their toes?
He raised the Vatican urinals six inches.
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︎ Jan 13 2020
Had to hit him with an 80βs music reference over text for keeping a secret
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︎ Aug 26 2019
Shout-out to sidewalks for keeping us off the streets
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︎ Sep 10 2019
Heβs keeping it grounded in science
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︎ May 04 2019
What do you call police obsessed with keeping good grass?
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︎ Sep 03 2019
O'Rourke thought he could keeping going in his presidential campaign.
But then he thought he Beto not.
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︎ Nov 02 2019
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︎ Feb 19 2017
Keeping plans under wrap
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︎ May 29 2018
When my father left to buy cigarettes ten years ago, he forgot to put on his size 14 boots, and I'm keeping them because of the sentimental value.
That's why I'm still carrying around these huge daddy-shoes.
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︎ May 08 2019
I hate getting into arguments with farmers about the best methods for keeping crows away
They always resort to straw man arguments
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︎ Jan 14 2019
My mom was telling a sweet story about how a herd of elephants we're keeping a deceased calf with them on their Journey
Without missing a beat my dad goes "Why didn't they just keep him in the trunk.
I'm still laughing like a drunken seal.
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︎ Jun 15 2019
My sister is obsessed with keeping owls.
I think she's an owlcaholic.
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︎ Apr 10 2019
Canada recently passed legislation that will ban keeping or breeding whales and dolphins in captivity
Guess you can say marineland has lost its porpoise
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︎ Jun 14 2019
My wife has started keeping a dry-erase board labeled 'Grocery List' on the fridge, so I filled it in while she was gone this morning.
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Kroger
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Wal-Mart
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Lucky's
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Whole Foods
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Winn Dixie
etc, etc
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︎ Jan 07 2015
Everyone has one thing keeping them driving.
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︎ Apr 21 2019
My dog swallowed a watch. So Iβm keeping myself busy by giving him laxatives and prune juice every hour.
Anything to pass the time.
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︎ Sep 15 2018
If you want to dress as a Cyclops for Halloween, start keeping an eye out for an authentic costume design.
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︎ Aug 09 2018
Iβm keeping track of every time I poop on an app...
Does that mean you have to log it?
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︎ Mar 02 2019
After years of keeping it a secret, why did the man confess to shaving his nipples?
He had to get it off his chest
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︎ Dec 20 2018
Didn't want to tell my friends who I'm hanging out with tonight, I guess you could say I'm keeping things......
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︎ Sep 07 2014
Whatβs similar about keeping someone in suspense and procrastination?
I donβt feel like it right now, Iβll tell you later.
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︎ Apr 29 2018
Roman priest addicted to keeping felines.
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︎ Feb 13 2017
Why does keeping a fish aquarium calm the brain?
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︎ Mar 18 2020
Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain because...
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︎ Apr 23 2020
Keeping tropical fish at at home can have a calming effect on the brain.
Due to all the indoor fins.
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︎ Mar 04 2020
Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain
because of the indoor fins.
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︎ Dec 04 2019
Keeping tropical fish at home can have a calming effect on the brain
Due to all the indoor fins.
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︎ Dec 18 2019
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