My grandpa used to have a job keeping score at baseball games. Every time someone scored a run, he'd whack up a mark on a chalkboard.

Nowadays you'd call him a scorekeeper, but back then he was a tally whacker.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/redditwhilestoned
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Keeping tropical fish at home can have a calming effect on the brain

Due to all the indoor fins.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Messicanhero
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
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Dewey's doctor has been keeping track of all of his moles. The location and size of them. He's so thorough that he measures them all the way down to tenths.

He called it the Dewey deci-mole system..

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DanGlerrBOY89
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2020
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Hey everyone, thanks for keeping this community awesome, but due to several reasons, I've decided to stop making dad jokes, here's why

Why

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vinayjrao
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2020
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I think when this pandemic is over with, we need to have a day to celebrate truckers, for keeping the country running throughout all this. Maybe October 4th?

Call it the big 10-4.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ew0k5AN0nomi5
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2020
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What animal is the best at keeping your medical information confidential?

A HIPAA-potamus

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wspoons5
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
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Covid19 is keeping things on the DOW low.
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2020
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I don't know if keeping 2m distance from each other is such a smart idea...

Definitely not as I'm driving on the highway.

Sauce: my dad.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Justforgotten
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Keeping the puns alive
πŸ‘︎ 90
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brawl_Noob
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2019
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Who is in charge of keeping the ocean clean?

A mermaid.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MasterLink172
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Big shout out to all the sidewalks for keeping me off the streets!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mark30322
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2019
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Did you hear that the Pope is keeping all the Cardinals on their toes?

He raised the Vatican urinals six inches.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Had to hit him with an 80’s music reference over text for keeping a secret
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheMenace15287
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Shout-out to sidewalks for keeping us off the streets
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rg_the_beast
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2019
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He’s keeping it grounded in science
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Professor_Voodoo
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call police obsessed with keeping good grass?

Lawn-Forcement

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/joshkiba13
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2019
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O'Rourke thought he could keeping going in his presidential campaign.

But then he thought he Beto not.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/REVDR
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2019
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When my father left to buy cigarettes ten years ago, he forgot to put on his size 14 boots, and I'm keeping them because of the sentimental value.

That's why I'm still carrying around these huge daddy-shoes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/djknutbanan
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
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Keeping plans under wrap
πŸ‘︎ 72
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πŸ‘€︎ u/logicson
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2018
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Keeping up with the.. imgur.com/4GrrRTu
πŸ‘︎ 405
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dhalsimballskin
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2017
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My mom was telling a sweet story about how a herd of elephants we're keeping a deceased calf with them on their Journey

Without missing a beat my dad goes "Why didn't they just keep him in the trunk.

I'm still laughing like a drunken seal.

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2019
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I hate getting into arguments with farmers about the best methods for keeping crows away

They always resort to straw man arguments

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/36chambersoffun
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
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Canada recently passed legislation that will ban keeping or breeding whales and dolphins in captivity

Guess you can say marineland has lost its porpoise

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Afraidcoast229
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2019
🚨︎ report
My sister is obsessed with keeping owls.

I think she's an owlcaholic.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bigfoothobbit
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife has started keeping a dry-erase board labeled 'Grocery List' on the fridge, so I filled it in while she was gone this morning.
  • Kroger

  • Wal-Mart

  • Lucky's

  • Whole Foods

  • Winn Dixie

etc, etc

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chambadon
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2015
🚨︎ report
Everyone has one thing keeping them driving.

Mine is my license.

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2019
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My dog swallowed a watch. So I’m keeping myself busy by giving him laxatives and prune juice every hour.

Anything to pass the time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2018
🚨︎ report
If you want to dress as a Cyclops for Halloween, start keeping an eye out for an authentic costume design.
πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NeverBob
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2018
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I’m keeping track of every time I poop on an app...

Does that mean you have to log it?

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Talmagecorey
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2019
🚨︎ report
After years of keeping it a secret, why did the man confess to shaving his nipples?

He had to get it off his chest

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Voldeshlort
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2018
🚨︎ report
Didn't want to tell my friends who I'm hanging out with tonight, I guess you could say I'm keeping things......
πŸ‘︎ 160
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πŸ‘€︎ u/switchedflip
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2014
🚨︎ report
What’s similar about keeping someone in suspense and procrastination?

I don’t feel like it right now, I’ll tell you later.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mydixiewrekd
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2018
🚨︎ report
Roman priest addicted to keeping felines.

Cat-holic.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bigfoothobbit
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2017
🚨︎ report
Keeping the trains on time?

My girlfriend and I were talking about how the metro system trains where we live are often not running on time, and and sometimes be very unreliable.

Told her it's because of the "metro-gnomes".

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/huwr
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2016
🚨︎ report
Why does keeping a fish aquarium calm the brain?

All the indoor fins.

πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JadedByEntropy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain because...

...of the indoor fins...

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Keeping tropical fish at at home can have a calming effect on the brain.

Due to all the indoor fins.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TellmSteveDave
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain

because of the indoor fins.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Keeping tropical fish at home can have a calming effect on the brain

Due to all the indoor fins.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ashtehstampede
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2019
🚨︎ report

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