Keeping Warm Puns

It's very insuleighting.

They give them book jackets!

Set man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

He said, “vet? I’m fucking soaking”

Sounds like a stretch to me.

Go to the corner there always around 90°

She asked how warm is it inside. I replied Lukewarm.

I think that’s a stretch.

Don't worry, that's just my warm-up joke.

As much as I'd like to claim this as mine, credit goes to a friend of mine for this one.

Space heaters

A fleece Navidad.

a sweater, cause it will keep yor body sweatier.

Me : (ಠ_ಠ)

Dad : Ok, I know this joke socks so I will quilt. You better blanket from your brain.

Me : (ಠ_ಥ)

They use chicken fa-heat-as.

...it makes me Confucian all night long.

Aqua-fur coats.

Because in winter you can keep adding more layers until you are warm but in summer you can only take off so many before you are arrested

So the man goes over and says “I’ve been watching you catch so many fish today, but I’m getting nothing. What’s your secret?”

The other man says “Mffffmmm mmmm mfffmmmm mmmmm”

The first man says “What?”

The other man spits something into his hand and says “I said, you gotta keep your worms warm!”

After many years of wandering, he finally arrived in a small village in the middle of nowhere. The people there believed in the same religion as he did, but they had no church; they had to go to the nearest one which was in a small town 25 km's from there. The priest took the initiative, asked the Church for support, and with the help of the local men they built their own temple. From there on, he was celebrating the Sunday masses, joining together men and women in Holy Matrimony, and saying prayers at the funerals.

Many years passed by like that.

At the end of an ordinary mass, in early spring, on a chilly Sunday morning he was just guiding the people out of the church, was about to close the gates when an unknown man stepped into the churchyard.

With his dirty and torn clothes, he stood before the priest and said:

• Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was a good man, and even though he thought the request was a bit strange, he went back to the rectory, took out a lemon, cut it in half, took it back to the man and gave it to him, who looked back to the priest with gratitude. However, the priest was curious. He asked:

• Son, why do you need this half of a lemon? - with a fright on his face, and before the priest could have said a thing, he rushed out of the churchyard gate and took off.

A week later, around the same time, when the priest was leaving the church, he found himself in front of the same man in the churchyard. The man said:

• Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was surprised by the appearance of the man and his strange request. Of course he was good, went back to the rectory, and brought the half lemon. Placed it in the stranger’s hand and immediately he asked:

• Here it is, my dear son, but please tell me why do you need this half a lemon? - the man was obviously frightened and immediately ran away but the priest was not sluggish either and ran after him. He wasn’t in a very good condition, he has never run so much and so fast before so he was out of breath by the end of the village, almost fainted. He thought the strange man might appear again next week, and it would be nice if he could keep up with him, so he spent his week working on his cardio. It turned out to be a good idea, because as he thought, the stranger entered the churchyard on Sunday. The priest didn’t even wait for the request, he was good, and brought the half lemon. He received these words from the man:

• Thank you

He told the owner “keep him warm and he vill be fine” the owner asked “are you a vet?” The German replied “vet? I’m soaking!”

EDIT: Some people feel like I need to make it clear this is not my joke so... it’s not my joke.

… u/ebkbk for this post: Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian. made on 24.11. with 38.9k upvotes

[also already made by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes]

Let's move on to the top 3 of each month:

January:

1. Is this sub still active? by u/I_Fart_Liquids on 01.01. with 36.4k upvotes

2. Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine by u/daugarten on 20.01. with 30.8k upvotes

3. An open letter to the mods of r/dadjokes: by u/Alfie_13 on 27.01. with 18.9k upvotes

February:

1. Was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm. by u/jakeisbill on 05.02. for 20.3k upvotes

2. My daughter asked me what I'm posting on Reddit... by u/madazzahatter on 25.02. for 18.3k upvotes

3. When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding. by u/ownworldman on 23.02. for 17.7k upvotes

March:

1. I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought... by u/madazzahatter on 21.03. for 22.2k upvotes

2. Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes.

3. [When I reach home, my 1.5 y.o. son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it with brrrmmm brrrmmm sound. His cute antics always make me forget that he's suffering from a rare disease.](https://www.reddit.com/r/da

Grandma asks of his socks are heavy, to keep his toes warm.

He says, "If they were heavy, I couldn't walk."

Seeing a small boy nearby with several fish, he asked the boy's secret.

"Rrrp rr rrrr rrrm," the boy said.

"What?"

The boy spat into his hand. "Keep your worms warm!"

"Wow, it's pretty cold in here."

"Did you know that when you're cold you can stand in the corner of the room to keep warm?"

"What? Why?"

"Because it's always 90 degrees!"

This is not his first time dad-joking me.

"One is something you wear to keep you warm, the other is something dogs have."

With winter pretty much here my little garage ship has been getting pretty cold. I have poor circulation so my fingers become icicles and I drop tools, which can be very dangerous. So I duct taped some gloves to some German electric power tools. This way I keep my fingers warm while still retaining my Fein motor control.

It was pretty expensive but it keeps me warm and helps me sleep at night.

EDIT: I somehow JUST saw the Mod Sticky post from last week, where a lot of users have expressed similar sentiments to these. I apologize to the mods if this is not appropriate and respect your decision if you want to delete it. I just wanted to see if people were thinking the same kind of thing. Still, read it if ya like.

It used to be that /r/dadjokes was a place to post actual stories of real dad humor. 'My dad pulled out this groaner at dinner.' 'Just became a dad...I think I get it now!' These are the things that warm my heart and tickle my corny bone. And I don't think I'm alone.

Now, we're arrogant enough to think we know the formula for dad humor, so we can post anything reminiscent of it, and it counts as a dad joke. It's as if we think we own dad humor now, and we can bend it and shape it at will.

Let me tell you, folks. WE DO NOT OWN DAD HUMOR.

Even the dads among us don't own it. I think the universe just channels it through them in brilliant, glorious, involuntary sneezes. Some are more deft than others, and are seen by the universe as more worthy outlets. But they do not own it.

We can get close to elusive heart of dad humor, we can approach it, we can dance around it...but we can never touch it. This is where I take issue with posts like this one, which currently has over 4000 upvotes and 2000 net karma. Is it reminiscent of dad-like punly-ness? Would a dad chortle heartily at reading it? Yes, almost certainly yes. But does that make it a dad joke? No...I would argue not.

Dad jokes are also not just about the jokes themselves. They're about the response--that he manages to be surprised at his own genius, even on the eightieth repetition. They're about the face-palms and straight stares of family members. What is a dad joke without context?

My proposed solution: ban link/image posts. I wish it wouldn't have to come to that, but I can't see another way to get back on track to the real goal here. I have hover zoom--I understand the desire for instant gratification. I've skipped over interesting looking videos because they required a click.

But that's not why I come here.

I understand that there are legitimate dad jokes transmitted via text, or perhaps requiring a bit of visual context. At this point, though, I think they are a necessary sacrifice for a righteous cause. They can always be transcribed into text, or included in a self-post. Maybe it seems a bit extreme, especially in the face

We're coming out of a restaurant after dinner and it's a little brisk out.

My husband: "It's cold out here!"

Me: "Where's your jacket?"

Husband: "I left it at home."

His dad: "He's keeping the house warm while you're gone."

They keep it at about 18 degrees C here at work, so we give out a lot of warm blankets to patients.

The warmer ran out, and soon after, sure enough, a patient asked me for one.

So I said: "Sorry, we're all out. They're a hot commodity!"

They grimaced...but it could have been the cancer.

We were grocery shopping and we're in the canned bean aisle:

Me: do you see any chilly beans? Him: No....they all look pretty warm to me.

I think it's finally time even if he keeps denying it. He's ready

My aunt told my dad she had hot pockets in her gloves to keep her hands warm. My dad wittily replied, "Ooh I love Hot Pockets! What flavor do you have, pepperoni or sausage??"

What's the number 1 use of cow hide in America?

To keep the cows warm.

Scene: Before practice with my band, my drummer and I occasionally sit on the balcony and smoke a cigarette. It's extremely windy and we began to talk about our jackets.

Me: This is why I love my jacket. It keeps me incredibly warm

Drummer: Does it break wind?

Me: Yeah, it's really embarrassing when it decides to fart in public.

Dad: "Hey my grill is really hot. My grill keeps me warm. My grill is smokin! She's my number one grill."

She asked how warm is it inside? I said Lukewarm.

Keep it in the corner because it is 90 degree

Space heaters!

This was my warm-up joke.

They use a space heater.

A space heater

You go to a corner because it’s always 90 degrees.

You go to the corner, because it's always 90 degrees.

With a space heater

Light a man ON fire, keep him warm for the rest of his life.

A space heater!