Hear about that superhero knock-off group that keeps ordering drinks but pour out all the liquid?
Apparently they call themselves the Just Ice League
My career counsellor keeps encouraging me to drop out.
Thanks to her, I’m graduating from Sky diving school.
A man goes to the doctor, and says "doctor, I havent been peeing correctly and its painful". The doctor replies "I will have to perform a prostate exam." As the doctor examines the man, he pulls out an $100 bill out of his bottom. This continues, he keeps pulling out money from this man's bottom.
After about half an hour the doctor says..."You won't believe this, but i just pulled $1999 out of your bottom"
The man turns around and says "Yeah, I wasn't feeling 2 grand"
A german tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my dog. After he climbed out, he said, “here is ze dog, dry him off and keep him warm, he vill be fine. I asked him, “are you a vet?”
He said, “vet? I’m fucking soaking”
How do you keep your eyes from drying out?
How do salmon keep people out of their homes?
I keep thinking about how fun it would be to get a couple friends and go out to the lake. Maybe rent a pontoon boat.
I dunno, I’ll float the idea by my brother.
Roommate: If you keep stealing all my kitchen utensils than I'm moving out!
Me: That's a whisk I'm willing to take.
My kids learned if you don't keep vermin out of your garden, you produce more rabbits than vegetables;
it's a problem called ingrown hares.
I got a buddy that keeps getting kicked out of bars but he always comes back
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator
I keep trying to make pound cake, but it never comes out right.
It's always off by a few ounces.
People keep telling me to grow out my hair
I needed to add some grass seeds to my lawn. The only thing I could find to keep the seeds out of my flower bed was some ceramic bunnies my wife had, so I used those as a barrier.
Please don’t make fun of my re-seeding hare line.
My roommate said if I keep stealing her kitchen utensils she’s gonna move out...
That’s a whisk I’m willing to take!
My wife told me, “Don’t stress out if people keep calling you fat...”
..”You are much bigger than that.”
My brother let me keep his phone, which ran out of battery
I keep randomly shouting out “Broccoli” and “Cauliflower”
I think I might have Florets.
(Edinburgh fringe festival 2019: credit to the comedian Olaf Falafel)
I like to keep a photo of the Sun on my phone. When people ask me if I have any kids, I start telling 'em about my son and how bright he is. I then pull out the phone to show them the photo.
My son keeps borrowing my work out clothes to go to the gym...
..but now he has squatter's rights.
I installed a secuity camera to keep an eye out and as I suspected, someone had been adding soil to my garden.
I think Noah's Ark should have had a barrier around it to keep out the Mexicans.
When I first started growing out my beard, I wasn't sure if I wanted to keep it or not.
But it's really grown on me.
I keep mispelling my friend brians name brain he gets super mad which is out of character
I didn't think he'd really mind
Eyelashes are supposed to help keep things out of your eyes
Yet, when I usually get something in my eye, it’s an eyelash.
How eyeronic..
Did you hear about the award they give out to people who only use suspenders to keep their pants up?
It's called the No-belt Prize.
Every pun I keep trying to submit turns out to be a repost.
What can I say? I've got puns of steal.
I figured out why my dog keeps running away.
My girlfriend found out today she was using the less common spelling for describing an outgoing person, but insisted she would keep using it anyways.
I told her it was nothing but an extra version.
My academic advisor keeps encouraging me to drop out.
Thanks to him, I’m soon graduating from the Sky Diving school.
I like to keep a photo of the Sun on my phone. When people ask me if I have any kids, I start telling 'em about my son and how bright he is. I then pull out the phone to show them the photo. "He's my star," I conclude with a smile.
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