I have a co-worker who claimed for years that he hates Christmas. He finally broke down and told me he secretly loves it, he just has a reputation to maintain.

He finally came out of the Santa Claus-et.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/barthm1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
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Maintaining a healthy diet...

is a piece of cake

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
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I created a bank account dedicated entirely to buying and maintaining bushes

I call it my hedge fund

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SkippyDingleCha1k
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
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They don’t maintain the outhouses at our campground anymore

They’re real shit holes

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mcdolsa
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2020
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You know what I'm using to help maintain social distancing?

My personality.

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2020
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I maintain my stomach tone by doing as many crunches as I can, every single day.

(Usually either Nestle or Captain)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NeverBob
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2019
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A man asked iron man how he maintains his body

He replied i-run-man

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πŸ‘€︎ u/proudsquid125
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
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How do ghosts maintain their shape?

They exorcise regularly

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Badjuju_Gamer
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
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I recently started an airline company selling cheap tickets on poorly maintained aircraft

It still hasn't taken off

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2018
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For a Chemistry teacher, what is the golden rule that his class must follow?

That they maintain decAurum

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CakeEaterMidir
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
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There was a man that wasn't allowed to fart.

Since he started dating, his girlfriend would chastise him to great lengths everytime he felt the need to fart.

After they got married, the situation was maintained. He couldn't possibly fart near his wife. Sometimes he had to leave the house, just to pass some gas.

When he was really old, he died peacefully during in his sleep while lying on his back. She called the undertaker, so the arrangements for the funeral could be made.

When the undertaker rolled the man of the bed, there was a massive fart. The undertaker looked to the now widow to see how she was going to react, but she simply said:

"No need to chastise him anymore. Hee can RIP in Peace!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DangerASA
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
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Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Wonder no more !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualisticbird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow." "Freeze a jolly good fellow."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
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In June there was a Supreme Court ruling that overturned a Department of Agriculture policy in which raisins were seized from farmers in order to maintain high prices. An appeal case was suggested that would mandate compensation for farmers who forfeited their raisins

Clarence Thomas, in response, said an appeal would be "a fruitless exercise"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dude108
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2015
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Hey, what would you do if I caught the virus?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SamwiseSHJ
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2020
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My Favorite Wall

Person 1: "Would you prefer to sleep? Don't make yourself miserable on my account; I can always talk to my favorite wall (the one across from my bed)."

Person 2: "5-10 more minutes and I'll probably leave you, Im sure your wall would like some quality time with you too"

Person 1: "Yeah, he's been a bit neglected recently. I should maintain our relationship so he doesn't leave; I'd be crushed if he did."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OfTheWhat
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2020
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Dad joked my fiancΓ©e while mattress shopping

Yesterday, we went mattress shopping and ended up buying the second or third bed we laid on. In the car on the way back, I told her "That could have been a hasty decision, we should have slept on it first."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tylizzzle628
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2014
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I asked a horse farmer why horses from Maine are so much more expensive.

Although more difficult to maintain, he said their manes are their main appeal.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thedasvot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2019
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Why are nuns' outfits always ill-fitting?

Because good habits are hard to maintain and bad habits are hard to break.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ak_illustration
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2019
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I can’t vote today

I’m unable to maintain a full election.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mikebellman
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2018
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Who do you call if something breaks down at a convent?

Maintain-nuns.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Digipedia
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2019
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[MOD POST] Hunting for an additional moderator. Read and apply within.

EDIT: I am now closing applications and will make a decision in the next day or so. Thank you to everybody who applied - the general enthusiasm and support is wonderful to see.

( as this is a self post, I receive no karma - however I would appreciate it if you upvoted purely for visibility <3 )

Hey everybody,

The /r/dadjokes community is now over 85,000 subscribers strong. That's pretty great. Pretty super great.

Thus far, over the entire existence of this sub, I have been the only mod. Quietly watching, taking your feedback, removing a post here, approving another there - doing my best not to interfere too much. I'm going to be honest, it hasn't been that hard.

You lot are generally a pretty nice bunch, give or take a few of the more vocal lunatics. There isn't usually a lot of work to be done, or issues that need resolving.

That said, I'm not awake all the time. I can't lurk on Reddit all the time. I don't have all-seeing eyes.

So it's about time I gave another pair of eyes moderator status and entrusted those eyes with a duty of care.

Let's get down to the chase; here's what I'm looking for in an additional mod:

  • You live in a very different timezone to Syd, AU - GMT+10
  • You have a good sense of humour
  • You're not in this purely to grow your 'net rep
  • You're interested in being fair, and maintaining fairness
  • You maintain civility in yourself and your responses at all times
  • You have a bit of time every day to go through reports, spam, and post comments
  • You understand that your moderatorship will initially be a trial, and can be revoked at any time if you aren't being magical and rad
  • Some general CSS/subreddit formatting knowledge wouldn't go astray, but is not required

Here's what I am not looking for:

  • Strong, cemented opinions about what constitutes a dad joke and what doesn't - everybody's dad and humour is different
  • An overzealous post remover - I am not looking for an enforcer, the title moderator implies moderation
  • A(nother) dictator - it is my preference that this subreddit be gently guided, and not forcibly ruled, we let the community find itself and we listen to what they say

If you wish to apply for the title and duty of being a moderator to /r/dadjokes, simply state your case (why you should be selected, what benefits or experience you bring, etc) in a comment reply to this thread. I will then get in touch with the most worthy seeming applicants. Upvotes and downvites will not be taken int

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tali3sin
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2013
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I'm tired of the political signs people put up around every construction zone

Construction is necessary to keep our roads maintained. Please take your "End Construction" campaign signs down.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BackwoodsCoder
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2019
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My friend owns a mall (long)

I'm here today to tell you all a horrible story, so that none of you have to go through the same experience as my friend.

My friend, Hugh, is a very religious man, who is also involved in our community. 2 weeks ago, our local church burned down and Hugh believed it was his Christian duty to help them get back on their feet. Hugh allowed the friars of the church to set up a cart in his mall to sell their flowers. Every day, the friars came in at 7:00 in the morning with a bushel of beautiful flowers and began to work diligently to arrange them into bouquets. All was going well, the mall was generating more revenue and the church was making more money than they were by selling the flowers in front of the church on Sunday. Everyone was happy; until that first weekend.

Our town is kinda tourist-y, so we get some out-of-towners on the weekends. A gay couple came to the mall the first weekend that the friars had taken up shop (Typically, our town is pretty progressive, but the friars tended to be uber-conservative). The couple came over to the cart and admired the flowers; they tried to purchase a bouquet, but the friars refused to sell to them. The couple was outraged and went to see Hugh directly. They complained to him that the friars were being discriminatory, so Hugh promised to have a talk with the friars. When Hugh confronted the friars, they refused to sell to the couple on the grounds that β€œthey were committing an atrocity in the eyes of the lord.” The couple stormed off and promised to boycott the cart.

This past weekend, the couple came back with a large group and a letter from the mayor, saying that the friars had to sell to them, regardless of sexual preference. The friars stood firm and refused to sell to them, so the group started a protest. They brought in signs and started chanting around the cart. The friars continued to sell their flowers and Hugh allowed them to remain, so eventually the protest began to boycott the mall, rather than just the cart.

By today, the mall had lost 50% of its normal weekend revenue. The group sent a letter to Hugh saying that they could forgive him if he shut down the flower cart within the week. Hugh was pretty broken up, but he had no choice. To maintain his livelihood, he would have to kick the friars out of his store. He talked with the friars this morning and revoked their previous agreement. The friars had their cart packed and left by 7:30, to huge cheers from the community. The mall has been pretty norm

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/st_pugsley
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2016
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Just tried to dad joke my boss. Went over his head.

He's complaining about all this costly work his minivan needs including some $1,700 exhaust work...

Me: Yeah, I hear you, maintaining vehicles can be exhausting...

Couldn't wipe the shit eating grin off my face as he kept talking.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HerrHoopla
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2017
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My friend Phil runs red lights.

It’s okay though. His business is contracted by the city to maintain them.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/firehead212
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2018
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My wife used the wrong beans when she made my coffee this morning.

I maintain that's grounds for divorce.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NicNoletree
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2018
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I'm sitting in traffic with my dad today when he scoffs, shakes his head, throws up his hand and says "look at THIS clown over here!"

I look over and there is literally a dude in full clown make-up driving a vw bettle next to us. Pop maintained a straight face through the whole thing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/robinson217
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2014
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I may get promoted or demoted for this one.

I was at work and saw my manager walking around with a clock.

I lick my lips,

My muscles tighten,

All I hear is my heartbeat.

My manager and I make eye contact. The words come out almost instantly:

"Looks like you've got a lot of time on your hands, sir."

He maintains eye contact for a second and walks away, but I could hear his soul groan.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RobotVampire
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2016
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Biology teacher pun

Teacher: How does Juliet maintain constant body temperature? Class: Ummm..... Teacher: Romeostatis

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nicolas--
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2014
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I'm rubbing off on my wife

After my wife came home from the gym she told me that she got to wear her new work-out clothes.

I said, "Oh yeah, how did they do for you?"

She replied, "They worked out," followed by a slowly growing smirk as she maintained eye contact.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/towneseyes
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2016
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My dad got a ticket driving home

Dad: "You'll never believe what happened to me today driving home!"

Me: "What?"

Dad: "Well, I was driving down a back road home from work. It was such a beautiful day. The sun was still shining, a slight breeze was rustling the trees, and all the leaves had changed colors. Yellow, orange, red... just a gorgeous view. I was doing about 55, not a car in sight, when I come around a bend and see a cop car parked on the side of the road. I slowed down, but tried not to slow down so quickly that it would be obvious. I carefully drove up past the cop, being extra careful to stay centered within the lines and maintaining my lower speed. It looked like I was all clear, but then from out of nowhere a turkey jumped out in front of my car! I didn't even have a chance to brake!"

Me: "Jeez that's crazy!"

Dad: "I know! It hit the front of my car, rolled up over the windshield and did a somersault before landing directly onto the hood of the officer's car. He immediately turned on his lights and pulled me over and gave me a ticket."

Me: "What?? But that's not your fault! It was the turkey! What did he even give you a ticket for?"

Dad: "He gave me a ticket for flipping him the bird. Hahahaha!"

Me: -___-

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoopaSte123
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2013
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My Algebra 2 teacher is the king of dad jokes.

Just today, as class was ending and everyone was waiting for the bell, a student asked him if he had any daughters. He then said "Not on me, no" and maintained eye contact with astonishing conviction. He's great.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fuck-It-I-Tried
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2014
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Dad joked my coworker, hard.

So at the restaurant where I work, managers are referred to as "PICs" (pronounced "pick"). This stands for Person in Charge. Its stupid, I know. Anyway, I work in the front of house, and I hear my coworker James, who works in the kitchen, yell through the order window; "I NEED TO SEE A PIC. I NEED A PIC OVER HERE! CAN I SEE A PIC?"

I walked over and stared at him through the order window. While maintaining eye contact I slowly inserted my finger into my nose and rotated it. He gaped at me, open-mouthed.

"What the fuck are you doing?"

"You asked to see a pick."

And then I laughed for like ten straight minutes while he shook his head in pity.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/noramacsbitch
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2014
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As the wife and I are talking about potential homes we are looking at...

She mentions she likes the idea of more acreage, but doesn't want a big yard we would have to maintain.

I mention that a big yard will mean more sun in an area, which opens the possibilities of building a bigger garden & greenhouse.

Then add: "it's food for thought."

I think I heard her eyes roll, yet she admitted it was a logical point.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tarbogman
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2016
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Dad Joke a Guy at Work

I helped out a manager at another area of my work place, bringing a leveler to adjust a table. After I finished, I was walking back to my work area when I noticed a guy who works there had his dinner out in a sealed Tupperware.

This guy has been on a food diet for some months. I walk up to him, place the level atop of his Tupperware. When the bubble rests in between the lines, I tell him "Looks like you're maintaining a well-balanced diet." He shook his head at me and I continued on my way.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DD225
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2015
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Dad joked a customer today

So I work as a cashier at a grocery store. A customer was buying two turkeys and two packages of prime rib, and he asked for separate bagging.

So I replied, "excellent, here at the store we also like to maintain a separation of bird and steak."

Customer laughed a pity laugh. I told everyone. My life is boring.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2014
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I have to give him credit for how fast he is on his feet..

I call my dad to bitch about my vacuum breaking and having to buy a new one. He goes on a rant about how when you grow up and own things, you have to maintain them.

"And that's just how it is, you have to suck it up"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CuntnessEvermean
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2014
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I'm a dad so dad jokes are okay, right?

The staff at work which usually maintain the community centres were changing the light bulbs in my office today. I actually said to them "You have some nice, light work today!" ...I'm pretty sure this makes me an old man : ( I do have two children with a third on the way but I am only 32!

Edit: punctuation

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2013
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He's my hero...

Today, me and my Dad were in a sports shop buying some bits and pieces for my return to school after summer. We approach the till and I spot the fiendish twinkle in his eye as an idea is born into his head. He picks up a packet of black socks and to the cashier's horror proceeds to ask "Excuse me, do you know if there are right socks and left socks in here because I want both?" while maintaining a perfectly straight face. In her shock she actually looked through the socks and confirmed they were all pairs. I just walked away in tears of hysteria.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Red_Beech
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2013
🚨︎ report

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