Two drunk guys were fighting. One of them drew a line in the dirt, and said if the other crossed it they would punch them in the face.
Puns aren’t the aphrodisiac I thought they were.
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison.
Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
Before crowbars were invented
^(most crows drank at home by themselves.)
Proud dad moment: My five year old and I were discussing Halloween candy. I told him I like Kit-Kats.
He picked out a Butterfinger from his bag, held it up, and said “Kit-Kats are good but these are butter.”
I finally bought the limited edition Thesaurus that I've always wanted. When I opened it, all the pages were blank
I have no words to describe how angry I am.
4 men were sitting in a boat about to smoke a cigarette, when they realized they didn't have a cigarette lighter.
So, they threw one cigarette off their boat and the boat became one cigarette lighter.
Rudolph the red and his wife were on a stroll. Rudolph the red looked up at the sky and said "we should hurry up, there is a storm comming". So his wife asked "how do u know" and he replied...
"Rudolph the red knows rain dear"
Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face".
i do not think they were fans of my pun.
Two women were sharing the same ID card
The only people to show up to my friend’s funeral were some of his one night stands and some friends from church.
Three women were on the run from the law (A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead).
Their car breaks down next to a corn field and they decide to run through it as the law is quickly approaching. They stumble upon a barn. Inside they find three burlap sacks and one of them suggests they should each hide inside one. Shortly after, the sherriff and his deputies arrive at the barn. They notice the three sacks.
The sheriff kicks the first one containing the brunette and she says "Meow, meow."
"Oh it's just a sack of kittens." One of the deputies says.
The sherriff kicks the sack where the redhead is hiding and she says "woof, woof."
"That's just a sack of puppies" they say.
The sherriff kicks the third sack with the blonde inside and she exclaims "Potato, potato."
At my book club, I wondered why they were throwing Stephen King novels around.
I was visiting my blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
She responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
I said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' she answered, “They're watch dogs'!
True story: My family and I were walking at an apple orchard today when my 6-year-old noticed a discarded apple and asked "Why is there an apple under a pine tree?"
I responded without missing a beat, "That, my son, is a pine apple."
Shoutout to the mom passing by who witnessed and appreciated this gem.
Three musicians were arrested
A dermatologist asked two surgeons what they were laughing at
One of the surgeons responded "you wouldn't understand, it's an inside joke."
I asked the librarian if there were any books about paranoia in the library
She whispered , "They're right behind you..."
There were no mines in Soviet Russia
Did you know about the group where only Trump supporters were allowed?
The others are forbiden.
Credit to u/i_like_it_eilat
Police were questioning an egg
He couldn’t say anything, he was scrambling for words.
4 prisoners are telling each other what they were convicted for
The First man says: I committed 2nd degree murder
The Second says: I committed: 1st degree assault
The Third says: I committed 1st degree possession of drugs
The Fourth man simply says: Arson
The Second man asks him: What degree was it?
The Fourth man responds: I'm not sure, it was pretty hot though. About 525 Celsius-ish
A husband and wife were at a marriage counselor. The wife complained, "he only talks about Star Wars! I've had it. I'm leaving him!" The counselor turned to the husband: "well?"
The husband looked at his wife and said, "divorce is strong with this one."
I walked down this street where the houses were numbered, 64K, 128K, 256K, and 1MB
That was a trip down memory lane.
2019 and 2020 were fighting and
My wife asked me, “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating!?”
So I took her to dinner and a movie then dropped her off at her parents’ house...
In Ancient Greece, people who had beliefs contrary to the worship of Poseidon were executed for Heresea
Who were the most tired people in the Cold War?
Mathematicians were the first doctors.
They were the first to perform operations on problems.
I heard they were going to broadcast the World Origami Championships this weekend since so many sports are cancelled
There was a recent study showing that crows were hit a lot more by trucks than cars...
they came to the conclusion that this was because crows can warn each other by going "CAAAR CAAAR" but can't say "TRUCK TRUCK"
Officer: The victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar of antlers
Detective: Dear god
Officer: Yes most likely
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said don’t forget your Baghdad.
2 fruits were struggling to get married
There was a debate whether or not if French fries were cooked in France...
I say they were cooked in Greece.
I asked the librarian where the books on engine lubrication were located.
She said they were in the non-friction section.
If you were 8 years old when "Red, Red Wine" was released
My 11 year old and I were coming out of a store and someone just parked right next to our car.
She said. Our cars aren’t social distancing! You don’t want them to get ...CARona virus do you?
Proud moment.
My father and were in the car and drove passed a cemetery.
Dad: How many dead people are in there?
Me: I have no idea
Dad: Hopefully all of them are.
Lame, I know, but this actually happened to me when I was 12
Boyfriend and I were Boba ki-Tea and AvoCATo for Halloween!
When we were leaving the maternity ward the baby pooped himself and the wife said to go in and change him.
So I went inside, put him down, took one of the clean babies, and left.
two exes were tied together by a string but it broke
guess there was too much tension between them
I told my wife I thought all cats were out to get me
She said “Don’t be silly, you’re just purranoid”
My toes fell asleep after I wore shoes that were too small
I got into an argument with someone I thought was a "birds aren't real" supporter. I'm an idiot; they were just messing with me and they made some amazing bird puns along the way that deserve attention. The link to the post is in the comments so you can go give the user karma and see the context.
https://preview.redd.it/n7zvpwxkj6m51.png?width=1280&format=png&auto=webp&s=54f0549ebd3c055929698d6fef3bc05782bf5282
I just bought a Thesaurus at the store and bought it home to find all the pages were blank.
I have no words to describe how angry I am.
At my book club, I wondered why they were throwing Stephen King novels around...
At my book club, I was wondering why they were throwing Stephan King books at me.
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