Two drunk guys were fighting. One of them drew a line in the dirt, and said if the other crossed it they would punch them in the face.
Puns aren’t the aphrodisiac I thought they were.
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison.
Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
Proud dad moment: My five year old and I were discussing Halloween candy. I told him I like Kit-Kats.
He picked out a Butterfinger from his bag, held it up, and said “Kit-Kats are good but these are butter.”
4 men were sitting in a boat about to smoke a cigarette, when they realized they didn't have a cigarette lighter.
So, they threw one cigarette off their boat and the boat became one cigarette lighter.
Rudolph the red and his wife were on a stroll. Rudolph the red looked up at the sky and said "we should hurry up, there is a storm comming". So his wife asked "how do u know" and he replied...
"Rudolph the red knows rain dear"
Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face".
i do not think they were fans of my pun.
The only people to show up to my friend’s funeral were some of his one night stands and some friends from church.
Two women were sharing the same ID card
At my book club, I wondered why they were throwing Stephen King novels around.
I just bought a Thesaurus at the store and bought it home to find all the pages were blank.
I have no words to describe how angry I am.
I was visiting my blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
She responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
I said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' she answered, “They're watch dogs'!
A dermatologist asked two surgeons what they were laughing at
One of the surgeons responded "you wouldn't understand, it's an inside joke."
I asked the librarian if there were any books about paranoia in the library
She whispered , "They're right behind you..."
True story: My family and I were walking at an apple orchard today when my 6-year-old noticed a discarded apple and asked "Why is there an apple under a pine tree?"
I responded without missing a beat, "That, my son, is a pine apple."
Shoutout to the mom passing by who witnessed and appreciated this gem.
4 prisoners are telling each other what they were convicted for
The First man says: I committed 2nd degree murder
The Second says: I committed: 1st degree assault
The Third says: I committed 1st degree possession of drugs
The Fourth man simply says: Arson
The Second man asks him: What degree was it?
The Fourth man responds: I'm not sure, it was pretty hot though. About 525 Celsius-ish
Did you know about the group where only Trump supporters were allowed?
The others are forbiden.
Credit to u/i_like_it_eilat
There were no mines in Soviet Russia
A husband and wife were at a marriage counselor. The wife complained, "he only talks about Star Wars! I've had it. I'm leaving him!" The counselor turned to the husband: "well?"
The husband looked at his wife and said, "divorce is strong with this one."
I walked down this street where the houses were numbered, 64K, 128K, 256K, and 1MB
That was a trip down memory lane.
In Ancient Greece, people who had beliefs contrary to the worship of Poseidon were executed for Heresea
Mathematicians were the first doctors.
They were the first to perform operations on problems.
I heard they were going to broadcast the World Origami Championships this weekend since so many sports are cancelled
2 fruits were struggling to get married
My wife asked me, “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating!?”
So I took her to dinner and a movie then dropped her off at her parents’ house...
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said don’t forget your Baghdad.
Officer: The victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar of antlers
Detective: Dear god
Officer: Yes most likely
There was a debate whether or not if French fries were cooked in France...
I say they were cooked in Greece.
I asked the librarian where the books on engine lubrication were located.
She said they were in the non-friction section.
To beaver were swimming down a river
They bump into a wall one says "damn"
If you were 8 years old when "Red, Red Wine" was released
My father and were in the car and drove passed a cemetery.
Dad: How many dead people are in there?
Me: I have no idea
Dad: Hopefully all of them are.
Lame, I know, but this actually happened to me when I was 12
Boyfriend and I were Boba ki-Tea and AvoCATo for Halloween!
When we were leaving the maternity ward the baby pooped himself and the wife said to go in and change him.
So I went inside, put him down, took one of the clean babies, and left.
I told my wife I thought all cats were out to get me
She said “Don’t be silly, you’re just purranoid”
My toes fell asleep after I wore shoes that were too small
two exes were tied together by a string but it broke
guess there was too much tension between them
On the day my friends were hosting my birthday celebration, I had diarrhea.
My 11 year old and I were coming out of a store and someone just parked right next to our car.
She said. Our cars aren’t social distancing! You don’t want them to get ...CARona virus do you?
Proud moment.
I'll never forget the day I first met my wife. We were at a fancy dress party and she was stood there, looking gorgeous and slim, with her fat mate...
They'd gone together dressed as the number 10...
I knew there and then that she was the One!!
I was texting this nun and things were getting pretty hot and heavy. Then out of nowhere she stopped replying.
I still can’t believe she holy ghosted me
If you were to accidentally drop your waffle at the beach, it would most likely happen in...
For my anniversary, 12 women named Rose showed up while we were having breakfast. "WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?" Screamed my wife.
"Honey, I got you a bouquet."
I got into an argument with someone I thought was a "birds aren't real" supporter. I'm an idiot; they were just messing with me and they made some amazing bird puns along the way that deserve attention. The link to the post is in the comments so you can go give the user karma and see the context.
https://preview.redd.it/n7zvpwxkj6m51.png?width=1280&format=png&auto=webp&s=54f0549ebd3c055929698d6fef3bc05782bf5282
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
At my book club, I wondered why they were throwing Stephen King novels around...
At my book club, I was wondering why they were throwing Stephan King books at me.
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