Seated Puns

It was hard to differentiate between them.

I'm hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.

I’ve been here two hours and she is still on her feet.

I have internalized gilt.

As a result, I couldn't see DeForest through the trees

We're getting seated outdoors. It's hot and in AZ so there are misters (mist sprayers) everywhere.

Waitress: I can put you at a table under one of the misters...
Dad: Do you have one under a Mrs?

she didn't even chuckle...

I said, “Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”

Put me in coach.

They need plenty of

KNEEEEEEEEEEEEEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOM

Edit: Thanks for the silver, friends! You sure know how to make a feller feel stellar

***Pew***berty, in other words.

Then it clicked.

She looked me dead in the eye and said, “Window or aisle?” I laughed in her face and replied, “Window or you’ll what?”

Investigators have nothing to go on.

How was I supposed to know she’d never driven a bus before?

Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

I told him "It's because I can't stand sitting."

One got pissed off

Or do you not give a crap

A butt on down

MAN: "Who would ever miss the world cup final?"

GUY: "That was my wifes seat. We have been to the last five world cup finals together, but sadly she passed away."

MAN: "That's terrible, but couldn't you have brought another family member, friend or someone else with you?"

GUY: "No...They are all at her Funeral!"

Carpet cleaning

because I live in Canada.

College!

But I probably shouldn't have married a blind woman and like to laugh so much.

They’re both a pain in the ass if you don’t park right.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

After awhile, it clicked

I can’t even remember why I was carrying it around

Just wanted to give you that little nugget

Problem is it wooden start.

Fast 10 Your Seat Belts.

"But it is a CUP-etition!"

... I've never been so proud of her.

Fast-10 your seat belts.

I couldn’t differentiate between them.

It was impossible to differentiate between them.

I couldn’t differentiate between them.

I said, “Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”

Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."

I remembered the car seat, the stroller, and the diaper bag, but all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby

Then it clicked

Don't know why I was carrying it around in the first place.

Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.