The salesman at the furniture store told me, βThis sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.β
I said, βWhere the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?β
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Dec 20 2020
My wife is angry. Last night for my anniversary, I left the kids, snuck out with my ex-girlfriend, and we hooked up in the back seat like we used to.
She hates when I call her that.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Mar 01 2021
Don't pee on the seat, or urine trouble.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Feb 24 2021
Feeling βexhaustedβ ? Have a seat !
π︎ 24
π
︎ Feb 11 2021
Dad: what do you do when you are in the wrong seat?
π︎ 95
π
︎ Feb 01 2021
My son's school bus driver told him to quickly find a seat.
"There's one!" he yelled. "Look, there's another one right there! And another over there!"
He walked home that day.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Feb 09 2021
The car salesman wouldnβt stop trying to upsell me to the leather seats
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jan 30 2021
Why do racecar drivers put their seats all the way back?
They need plenty of
KNEEEEEEEEEEEEEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOM
Edit: Thanks for the silver, friends! You sure know how to make a feller feel stellar
π︎ 230
π
︎ Oct 07 2020
What did the baseball player say when the flight attendant asked what seat he was in?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Dec 25 2020
Someone stole the toilet seat at the police station
Investigators have nothing to go on.
π︎ 371
π
︎ Aug 31 2020
I couldn't figure out how to fasten my seat belt...
π︎ 25
π
︎ Nov 25 2020
Best seat in the house
π︎ 70
π
︎ Jul 25 2020
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag.
Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
π︎ 26
π
︎ Oct 02 2020
I did a good deed today by giving up my seat on the bus to an elderly lady...
How was I supposed to know sheβd never driven a bus before?
π︎ 12
π
︎ Oct 15 2020
Two flies were fighting on a toilet seat
π︎ 52
π
︎ Sep 06 2020
Take a seat
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Dec 08 2019
My teacher asked me why I kept getting out of my seat.
I told him "It's because I can't stand sitting."
π︎ 6
π
︎ Oct 16 2020
π︎ 2
π
︎ Oct 30 2020
Do you use toilet seat liners in public restrooms?
Or do you not give a crap
π︎ 8
π
︎ Sep 07 2020
We may not be able to seat you inside just now but we can supply some terrible puns.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Aug 09 2020
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Oct 15 2019
Have a seat
π︎ 19
π
︎ Jul 24 2020
What did the toilet seat wear to the party?
π︎ 7
π
︎ Sep 21 2020
A man takes his seat at a football world cup final. He looks to his left and notices that there is a spare seat between himself and the next guy.
MAN: "Who would ever miss the world cup final?"
GUY: "That was my wifes seat. We have been to the last five world cup finals together, but sadly she passed away."
MAN: "That's terrible, but couldn't you have brought another family member, friend or someone else with you?"
GUY: "No...They are all at her Funeral!"
π︎ 11
π
︎ Sep 05 2020
What is going through carwash with windows down and dog in back seat?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Sep 20 2020
Honey! I finally got the car seat in the car! Whereβs the kid?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Sep 04 2020
I'm absolutely terrible about leaving the toilet seat up, I admit.
But I probably shouldn't have married a blind woman and like to laugh so much.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Aug 22 2020
What does a cop and a broken seat have in common?
Theyβre both a pain in the ass if you donβt park right.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Aug 02 2020
My wife yelled at me, telling me to put the toilet seat down...
Don't know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Mar 24 2019
I was on my way to work this morning and I forgot how to put my seat belt on.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jun 20 2020
Why does an ambulance have two seats up front? π For the Pair Of Medics
π︎ 28
π
︎ Mar 18 2020
I bought a car that has a wooden engine, wooden tires, wooden steering wheel, and wooden seats.
Problem is it wooden start.
π︎ 36
π
︎ Feb 26 2020
I reattached a cup holder to my son's car seat the other day. My daughter (5yo) taunted him, saying, "I have TWO cup holders!" I told her, "It's not a competition," to which she replied...
"But it is a CUP-etition!"
... I've never been so proud of her.
π︎ 17
π
︎ Apr 20 2020
If you slide around too much on the toilet seat
You might get a turd degree burn.
π︎ 24
π
︎ Mar 08 2020
Why do we test seat belts with crash test dummies ?
π︎ 3
π
︎ May 26 2020
I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus.
Thatβs how I lost my job as a bus driver.
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Sep 01 2018
We need to discuss your results sir. Please, have a seat.
π︎ 24
π
︎ Dec 15 2019
My "friend" pranked me by putting a dead bird on the driver's side seat of my car...
π︎ 5
π
︎ Apr 04 2020
The salesman at the furniture store told me, βThis sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.β
I said, βWhere the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?β
π︎ 645
π
︎ Jan 03 2021
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Jun 27 2019
My wife yelled at me to put the toilet seat down
I canβt even remember why I was carrying it around
π︎ 309
π
︎ Mar 03 2020
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag.
Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
π︎ 380
π
︎ Jan 07 2020
I couldn't figure out how to fasten my seat belt.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jul 01 2020
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
She didn't laugh but I hope you folks did.
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Aug 16 2018
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
π︎ 202
π
︎ Nov 11 2019
Someone stole all the toilet seats at the police station.
The police are trying to find the thief but they have nothing to go on.
π︎ 9
π
︎ May 07 2020
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