The salesman at the furniture store told me, “This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.”
I said, “Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”
My wife is angry. Last night for my anniversary, I left the kids, snuck out with my ex-girlfriend, and we hooked up in the back seat like we used to.
She hates when I call her that.
Don't pee on the seat, or urine trouble.
Feeling “exhausted” ? Have a seat !
Dad: what do you do when you are in the wrong seat?
My son's school bus driver told him to quickly find a seat.
"There's one!" he yelled. "Look, there's another one right there! And another over there!"
He walked home that day.
The car salesman wouldn’t stop trying to upsell me to the leather seats
What did the baseball player say when the flight attendant asked what seat he was in?
Why do racecar drivers put their seats all the way back?
They need plenty of
KNEEEEEEEEEEEEEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOM
Edit: Thanks for the silver, friends! You sure know how to make a feller feel stellar
Someone stole the toilet seat at the police station
Investigators have nothing to go on.
I couldn't figure out how to fasten my seat belt...
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag.
Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
I did a good deed today by giving up my seat on the bus to an elderly lady...
How was I supposed to know she’d never driven a bus before?
Two flies were fighting on a toilet seat
My teacher asked me why I kept getting out of my seat.
I told him "It's because I can't stand sitting."
Do you use toilet seat liners in public restrooms?
Or do you not give a crap
We may not be able to seat you inside just now but we can supply some terrible puns.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
What did the toilet seat wear to the party?
A man takes his seat at a football world cup final. He looks to his left and notices that there is a spare seat between himself and the next guy.
MAN: "Who would ever miss the world cup final?"
GUY: "That was my wifes seat. We have been to the last five world cup finals together, but sadly she passed away."
MAN: "That's terrible, but couldn't you have brought another family member, friend or someone else with you?"
GUY: "No...They are all at her Funeral!"
Honey! I finally got the car seat in the car! Where’s the kid?
I'm absolutely terrible about leaving the toilet seat up, I admit.
But I probably shouldn't have married a blind woman and like to laugh so much.
What does a cop and a broken seat have in common?
They’re both a pain in the ass if you don’t park right.
My wife yelled at me, telling me to put the toilet seat down...
Don't know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
I was on my way to work this morning and I forgot how to put my seat belt on.
Why does an ambulance have two seats up front? 🚑 For the Pair Of Medics
I bought a car that has a wooden engine, wooden tires, wooden steering wheel, and wooden seats.
Problem is it wooden start.
I reattached a cup holder to my son's car seat the other day. My daughter (5yo) taunted him, saying, "I have TWO cup holders!" I told her, "It's not a competition," to which she replied...
"But it is a CUP-etition!"
... I've never been so proud of her.
If you slide around too much on the toilet seat
You might get a turd degree burn.
Why do we test seat belts with crash test dummies ?
I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus.
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
We need to discuss your results sir. Please, have a seat.
My "friend" pranked me by putting a dead bird on the driver's side seat of my car...
The salesman at the furniture store told me, “This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.”
I said, “Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
My wife yelled at me to put the toilet seat down
I can’t even remember why I was carrying it around
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag.
Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
I couldn't figure out how to fasten my seat belt.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
She didn't laugh but I hope you folks did.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
Someone stole all the toilet seats at the police station.
The police are trying to find the thief but they have nothing to go on.
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
