Ticket Inspectors;

You’ve got to hand it to them!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The-Gaming-Pie
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06
🚨︎ report
Don't know if this is a scam, but I just received a text saying I'd won Β£250 cash or 2 VIP tickets to an Elvis tribute night.

It says, " Press 1 for the money or 2 for the show...."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ May 29
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I wanted to get tickets to a comedy club until I found out they cost an arm and a leg.

When I found out why I’m glad I didn’t go - the show wasn’t that humerus and the staff was short handed.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fladavpam
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02
🚨︎ report
Bought a circus ticket to see the gypsy girl's dancing bear.

But they weren't.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/haribom
πŸ“…︎ May 27
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I used to buy lottery tickets every week....

.....until I realised you could watch it on T.V. for nothing.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ May 21
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A policeman pulled me over the other day and started crying as he was writing me a traffic ticket. I asked him why was he crying?

He said it was because I committed a moving violation.

πŸ‘︎ 378
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πŸ‘€︎ u/2donutkid2
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28
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I got tickets for the next Super Bowl plus hotel and airfare, but it turns out my wedding is on the same day!

If you'd like to go instead, it's at St. Peter's Church on Main Street at 6:00 pm. Her name is Melanie and she'll be wearing all white.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gingi0
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28
🚨︎ report
Warning: Do not buy tickets for the Eskimo lottery - they will sell you the ticket but they only pay out to native Eskimos.

You've got to be Inuit to win it

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chronicstrawberry
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21
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Today someone bought our department a box of donuts and some lotto tickets. The potential grand prize was $3,000, in which my boss exclaimed "Well that isn't enough to retire".

I corrected him by saying that is plenty of money to buy some new tires for your car.

The physical pain on his face was priceless.

πŸ‘︎ 160
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Megaman_90
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
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I was hired to come up with a slogan for 2020 that is just as catchy as Click It or Ticket

I chose Mask It or Casket

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DesktopMageTV
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
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I told the cop, β€œYou can’t give me a ticket. I’m running a marathon tomorrow.”

The cop said, β€œSir, that’s not how you play the race card.”

πŸ‘︎ 200
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
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My dad confiscated my weed so I stole his plane ticket.

I guess neither of us will be getting high.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Tickets on sale now for 50 Cent opening for Nickelback...

...Only 45 cents

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vintagepatriot
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11
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β€œJudge, 50% of my parking tickets are bogus!”

Judge: Repeat infractions?

Man: Ok..... Judge, half of my parking tickets are bogus!

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
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Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day.

Push him out of the plane at 30,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
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Parked outside my favourite restaurant and ended up with a parking ticket...

Fined dining.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
It occurred to me today that I would have loved to see two of my favorite bands from the 90s, led respectively by David Usher and Gavin Rossdale, on the same ticket. The sign on the theatre would have been epic.

Moist Bush.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/average_legend
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
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Spend your last dollar on a $0.98 lottery ticket and see what you end up with.

That's just my two cents.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ryanooooo
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the air conditioner didn't buy tickets to the Metallica concert?

Because it isn't a fan

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/talknoller
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.

He thought it was a fine joke.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gubaxter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
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Last weekend I had tickets to go see Timmy, the Yodeling Shetland Pony.

Unfortunately, Timmy has to cancel. He was a little hoarse.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tsuggitt
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
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My friend gave me a losing lottery ticket

It didn’t make any cents

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/watchoutlca
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
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I got a parking ticket for being parked illegally the other day and I’ve no idea why. I mean...

The sign clearly said, β€œFine for parking”.

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the cow get a ticket?

Because of a mooing violation.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/emjay144
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
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This is (practically) the corniest gift imaginable. At the bottom of the soon to be gift wrapped box of corniness was a pair of Korn tickets for my lady...who enjoys my corny puns.
πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr-JasonTe
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2020
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I have to pay for a bus ticket?

I guess it's only fare

πŸ‘︎ 94
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DegenerateCuber
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
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I’ve been trying to buy a train ticket online for over an hour now and I’m getting really annoyed

It keeps asking me, β€˜Where do you want to go?'

So I click on the icon that says β€˜Home’ and then it makes me start all over again.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Coolcalmjeff
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I guess you could call it a cinema ticket...

But I think it should be called a Tenet-see agreement

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cybot2001
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
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A bit startled, I asked, "Officer, why are you crying while writing me my ticket?” He sighed...

"It’s a moving violation!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I recently did a joke about a suicide bomber not having a return ticket

and it bombed

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/listeningSaint
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the noodle get a driving ticket?

It drove pasta stop sign

πŸ‘︎ 231
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlankPhotos
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2019
🚨︎ report
I was pulled over with my son in the car for speeding. Got a ticket. Then the officer said I’m free to go.

I replied β€œactually it cost me about $80”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bridgeheadprod
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
🚨︎ report
All of you who hate speeding tickets....

Raise your right foot!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kmo78
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I don’t know if this is a scam or not? I’ve just received a phone call saying I’ve won $250 or 2 tickets for an Elvis Presley tribute show...

Then it said just press 1 for the money, 2 for the show

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tinnber
πŸ“…︎ May 21
🚨︎ report
β€œOfficer, are you crying while writing me a ticket?”

Cop: it’s a .....moving violation.

πŸ‘︎ 15k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2020
🚨︎ report
β€œOfficer, are you crying while you are writing me a ticket?”

Cop: It’s a...moving violation.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Me: Officer, why are you crying while writing me a ticket?

Cop: It’s such a moving violation.

πŸ‘︎ 71
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Buy a man an airplane ticket and he will fly once,

But push him out of the airplane, and he will fly for the rest of his life.

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
β€œOfficer, are you crying while writing me a ticket?”

Cop: Yes. It’s quite a moving violation.

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
🚨︎ report
β€œJudge, I want to contest 50% of my parking tickets. I think they are bogus!”

Judge: Repeat infractions?

Man: Ok. I want to contest half of my parking tickets. I think they are bogus.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
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β€œJudge, I want to contest 60% of my parking tickets!”

Judge: Repeat infractions?

Man: Fine. I want to contest 3/5 of my parking tickets!

πŸ‘︎ 939
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
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Give a man a plane ticket, he'll fly for a day.

Push a man out of a plane, he'll fly for the rest of his life

πŸ‘︎ 441
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πŸ‘€︎ u/XBIGXMACKX
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2019
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β€œOfficer, are you crying while writing me a ticket?”

Cop: Yes. It’s quite.....a moving violation.

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2020
🚨︎ report

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