Ticket Inspectors;
You’ve got to hand it to them!
Don't know if this is a scam, but I just received a text saying I'd won £250 cash or 2 VIP tickets to an Elvis tribute night.
It says, " Press 1 for the money or 2 for the show...."
I wanted to get tickets to a comedy club until I found out they cost an arm and a leg.
When I found out why I’m glad I didn’t go - the show wasn’t that humerus and the staff was short handed.
Bought a circus ticket to see the gypsy girl's dancing bear.
I used to buy lottery tickets every week....
.....until I realised you could watch it on T.V. for nothing.
A policeman pulled me over the other day and started crying as he was writing me a traffic ticket. I asked him why was he crying?
He said it was because I committed a moving violation.
I got tickets for the next Super Bowl plus hotel and airfare, but it turns out my wedding is on the same day!
If you'd like to go instead, it's at St. Peter's Church on Main Street at 6:00 pm. Her name is Melanie and she'll be wearing all white.
Warning: Do not buy tickets for the Eskimo lottery - they will sell you the ticket but they only pay out to native Eskimos.
You've got to be Inuit to win it
Today someone bought our department a box of donuts and some lotto tickets. The potential grand prize was $3,000, in which my boss exclaimed "Well that isn't enough to retire".
I corrected him by saying that is plenty of money to buy some new tires for your car.
The physical pain on his face was priceless.
I was hired to come up with a slogan for 2020 that is just as catchy as Click It or Ticket
I chose Mask It or Casket
I told the cop, “You can’t give me a ticket. I’m running a marathon tomorrow.”
The cop said, “Sir, that’s not how you play the race card.”
My dad confiscated my weed so I stole his plane ticket.
I guess neither of us will be getting high.
Tickets on sale now for 50 Cent opening for Nickelback...
“Judge, 50% of my parking tickets are bogus!”
Judge: Repeat infractions?
Man: Ok..... Judge, half of my parking tickets are bogus!
Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day.
Push him out of the plane at 30,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Parked outside my favourite restaurant and ended up with a parking ticket...
It occurred to me today that I would have loved to see two of my favorite bands from the 90s, led respectively by David Usher and Gavin Rossdale, on the same ticket. The sign on the theatre would have been epic.
Spend your last dollar on a $0.98 lottery ticket and see what you end up with.
That's just my two cents.
Why did the air conditioner didn't buy tickets to the Metallica concert?
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
Last weekend I had tickets to go see Timmy, the Yodeling Shetland Pony.
Unfortunately, Timmy has to cancel. He was a little hoarse.
My friend gave me a losing lottery ticket
I got a parking ticket for being parked illegally the other day and I’ve no idea why. I mean...
The sign clearly said, “Fine for parking”.
Why did the cow get a ticket?
Because of a mooing violation.
This is (practically) the corniest gift imaginable. At the bottom of the soon to be gift wrapped box of corniness was a pair of Korn tickets for my lady...who enjoys my corny puns.
I have to pay for a bus ticket?
I’ve been trying to buy a train ticket online for over an hour now and I’m getting really annoyed
It keeps asking me, ‘Where do you want to go?'
So I click on the icon that says ‘Home’ and then it makes me start all over again.
I guess you could call it a cinema ticket...
But I think it should be called a Tenet-see agreement
A bit startled, I asked, "Officer, why are you crying while writing me my ticket?” He sighed...
"It’s a moving violation!"
I recently did a joke about a suicide bomber not having a return ticket
Why did the noodle get a driving ticket?
I was pulled over with my son in the car for speeding. Got a ticket. Then the officer said I’m free to go.
I replied “actually it cost me about $80”
All of you who hate speeding tickets....
I don’t know if this is a scam or not? I’ve just received a phone call saying I’ve won $250 or 2 tickets for an Elvis Presley tribute show...
Then it said just press 1 for the money, 2 for the show
“Officer, are you crying while writing me a ticket?”
Cop: it’s a .....moving violation.
“Officer, are you crying while you are writing me a ticket?”
Cop: It’s a...moving violation.
Me: Officer, why are you crying while writing me a ticket?
Cop: It’s such a moving violation.
Buy a man an airplane ticket and he will fly once,
But push him out of the airplane, and he will fly for the rest of his life.
“Officer, are you crying while writing me a ticket?”
Cop: Yes. It’s quite a moving violation.
“Judge, I want to contest 50% of my parking tickets. I think they are bogus!”
Judge: Repeat infractions?
Man: Ok. I want to contest half of my parking tickets. I think they are bogus.
“Judge, I want to contest 60% of my parking tickets!”
Judge: Repeat infractions?
Man: Fine. I want to contest 3/5 of my parking tickets!
Give a man a plane ticket, he'll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane, he'll fly for the rest of his life
“Officer, are you crying while writing me a ticket?”
Cop: Yes. It’s quite.....a moving violation.
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