Today someone bought our department a box of donuts and some lotto tickets. The potential grand prize was $3,000, in which my boss exclaimed "Well that isn't enough to retire".

I corrected him by saying that is plenty of money to buy some new tires for your car.

The physical pain on his face was priceless.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Megaman_90
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
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My dad confiscated my weed so I stole his plane ticket.

I guess neither of us will be getting high.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
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I told the cop, β€œYou can’t give me a ticket. I’m running a marathon tomorrow.”

The cop said, β€œSir, that’s not how you play the race card.”

πŸ‘︎ 201
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
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I was hired to come up with a slogan for 2020 that is just as catchy as Click It or Ticket

I chose Mask It or Casket

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DesktopMageTV
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
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Parked outside my favourite restaurant and ended up with a parking ticket...

Fined dining.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
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The prosecutor offered the ballet dancer two choices after she did not pay her mountain of parking tickets. A) Say guilty, pay them off, and get probation for 6 months or B) Say Not Guilty and go to trial and perhaps serve 6 months in jail.

She took plea A.

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day.

Push him out of the plane at 30,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
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β€œJudge, 50% of my parking tickets are bogus!”

Judge: Repeat infractions?

Man: Ok..... Judge, half of my parking tickets are bogus!

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
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Me: Officer, why are you crying while writing me a ticket?

Cop: It’s such a moving violation.

πŸ‘︎ 68
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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It occurred to me today that I would have loved to see two of my favorite bands from the 90s, led respectively by David Usher and Gavin Rossdale, on the same ticket. The sign on the theatre would have been epic.

Moist Bush.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/average_legend
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
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Spend your last dollar on a $0.98 lottery ticket and see what you end up with.

That's just my two cents.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ryanooooo
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
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My friend gave me a losing lottery ticket

It didn’t make any cents

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/watchoutlca
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
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Why did the air conditioner didn't buy tickets to the Metallica concert?

Because it isn't a fan

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/talknoller
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
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Buy a man an airplane ticket and he will fly once,

But push him out of the airplane, and he will fly for the rest of his life.

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
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β€œOfficer, are you crying while writing me a ticket?”

Cop: Yes. It’s quite a moving violation.

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
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Last weekend I had tickets to go see Timmy, the Yodeling Shetland Pony.

Unfortunately, Timmy has to cancel. He was a little hoarse.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tsuggitt
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
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I guess you could call it a cinema ticket...

But I think it should be called a Tenet-see agreement

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cybot2001
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
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β€œJudge, I want to contest 50% of my parking tickets. I think they are bogus!”

Judge: Repeat infractions?

Man: Ok. I want to contest half of my parking tickets. I think they are bogus.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
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I got a parking ticket for being parked illegally the other day and I’ve no idea why. I mean...

The sign clearly said, β€œFine for parking”.

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
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I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.

He thought it was a fine joke.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gubaxter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
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I’ve been trying to buy a train ticket online for over an hour now and I’m getting really annoyed

It keeps asking me, β€˜Where do you want to go?'

So I click on the icon that says β€˜Home’ and then it makes me start all over again.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Coolcalmjeff
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
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Why did the cow get a ticket?

Because of a mooing violation.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/emjay144
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
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A bit startled, I asked, "Officer, why are you crying while writing me my ticket?” He sighed...

"It’s a moving violation!"

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2020
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I have to pay for a bus ticket?

I guess it's only fare

πŸ‘︎ 96
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DegenerateCuber
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
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I was pulled over with my son in the car for speeding. Got a ticket. Then the officer said I’m free to go.

I replied β€œactually it cost me about $80”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bridgeheadprod
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
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All of you who hate speeding tickets....

Raise your right foot!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kmo78
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
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This is (practically) the corniest gift imaginable. At the bottom of the soon to be gift wrapped box of corniness was a pair of Korn tickets for my lady...who enjoys my corny puns.
πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr-JasonTe
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2020
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Dammit! I know I have that one half of the ticket which shows I paid!

Sorry, wrong stub.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
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I recently did a joke about a suicide bomber not having a return ticket

and it bombed

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/listeningSaint
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2020
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β€œJudge, I want to contest 60% of my parking tickets!”

Judge: Repeat infractions?

Man: Fine. I want to contest 3/5 of my parking tickets!

πŸ‘︎ 933
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
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Why did the noodle get a driving ticket?

It drove pasta stop sign

πŸ‘︎ 228
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlankPhotos
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2019
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Give a man a plane ticket, he'll fly for a day.

Push a man out of a plane, he'll fly for the rest of his life

πŸ‘︎ 438
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πŸ‘€︎ u/XBIGXMACKX
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2019
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I got a job waiting in line to buy concert tickets for people.

It is a long standing commitment.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/youtellmebob
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2020
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What station did the dog buy a ticket for?

Barking.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/A_Scribbler
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2020
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Did you hear about the guy selling fake Wimbledon tickets?

It was a tennis racket

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chris_m_h
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2020
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Driver: Officer, are you actually crying while writing my ticket?

Cop: It was a moving violation.

πŸ‘︎ 186
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2019
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I bought subway tickets from a scalper...

It was a farely good deal.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2020
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β€œOfficer, are you crying while writing me a ticket?”

Cop: it’s a .....moving violation.

πŸ‘︎ 15k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2020
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β€œOfficer, are you crying while you are writing me a ticket?”

Cop: It’s a...moving violation.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
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β€œOfficer, are you crying while writing me a ticket?”

Cop: Yes. It’s quite.....a moving violation.

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2020
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β€œJudge, I want to contest 50% of my parking tickets.”

Judge: Repeat infractions?

Man: Sure. I want to contest half of my parking tickets!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2020
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I got a parking ticket for being parked illegally the other day and I’ve no idea why...

The sign clearly said, β€œFine for parking."

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2017
🚨︎ report

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