A woman is sick in the hospital. Doctors tell her she only has days to live. She summons for her husband because she has something important to tell him. He rushes to the hospital.

When he arrives she says “I’ve decided what I want for dinner.”

👍︎ 5
💬︎
👤︎ u/Dano558
📅︎ May 15 2021
🚨︎ report
How do you summon an Italian Spirit?

With a Luigi Board.

👍︎ 86
💬︎
👤︎ u/BlissedIgnorance
📅︎ Aug 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I used a pumpkin to summon ghosts.

It was a Ouija Gourd

👍︎ 11
💬︎
👤︎ u/pshiel23
📅︎ Oct 29 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you summon a dad?

By touching the thermostat.

👍︎ 51
💬︎
📅︎ Feb 22 2018
🚨︎ report
I've invented a gaming console designed to help you summon Satan...

I'll call it the occult rift

👍︎ 3
💬︎
👤︎ u/N64GC
📅︎ Jul 12 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when you summon a french ghost?

The bonjouring.

👍︎ 3
💬︎
👤︎ u/TheJimbonator
📅︎ Sep 04 2018
🚨︎ report
What does a bee's wife say to summon her husband?

"Honeycomb over here!"

👍︎ 28
💬︎
👤︎ u/Skystrike7
📅︎ Sep 07 2017
🚨︎ report
Instagram: An application that lets you instantly summon a grand-mother.
👍︎ 8
💬︎
👤︎ u/Maax42_
📅︎ Mar 22 2018
🚨︎ report
I heard an amateur cultist try to summon Cthulhu...

...but I don't think he R'lyeh knew what he was fhtagn about.

👍︎ 7
💬︎
👤︎ u/ace_dreacon
📅︎ Dec 30 2017
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you add two crystals to two other crystals?

Crystal Math.

👍︎ 5
💬︎
👤︎ u/ThePandaExcess
📅︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Struggle with your Children's Math homework ?

... Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.

👍︎ 27
💬︎
👤︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
📅︎ Jun 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Is this sub still active?

There hasn’t been any posts all year.

👍︎ 36k
💬︎
👤︎ u/I_Fart_Liquids
📅︎ Jan 01 2018
🚨︎ report
A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. The guy asks, "What's this about?"

The bartender replies, "Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. You wanna do it?"

The guy replies, "Nah, the steaks are too high."

👍︎ 8k
💬︎
👤︎ u/REPOST_STRANGLER
📅︎ Sep 15 2018
🚨︎ report
I once tried to do a fancy knot in my necktie, but it turned out so bad I went crazy and summoned a Great Old One.

Never figured I would bring forth and Eldredge Abomination.

👍︎ 2
💬︎
👤︎ u/dgrubbnasty
📅︎ Jul 24 2018
🚨︎ report
Hey guys it's that kid with no friends
👍︎ 24
💬︎
👤︎ u/AlisHyper12
📅︎ Mar 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I said to my son, "There's only one thing about Halloween that scares me."

He asked, "Which is?"

I replied, "Exactly!"

👍︎ 8k
💬︎
👤︎ u/madazzahatter
📅︎ Oct 28 2017
🚨︎ report
A rich occultist tells his Butler to get him some aged bourbon

He summoned spirits of long ago

👍︎ 7
💬︎
👤︎ u/fukurslf
📅︎ Aug 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Circles are pointless
👍︎ 3k
💬︎
👤︎ u/Cope357x
📅︎ Jan 06 2018
🚨︎ report
Cortana for Windows 10 is the queen of Dad Jokes

Me: "Tell me a Joke"

Cortana: "Why did the chicken cross the road, roll around in the mud, then cross the road again? Because he was a dirty double crosser"

Me: Groan "Tell me a Good Joke."

Cortana: "There are two types of people in the world: Those who need closure"

👍︎ 2k
💬︎
👤︎ u/theswerto
📅︎ Jul 31 2015
🚨︎ report
How many ears does Spock have?

Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.

👍︎ 4k
💬︎
👤︎ u/perezgc
📅︎ Jan 13 2017
🚨︎ report
My local government sent me some free, emergency toilet paper in the mail!

They called it a "Jury Summons."

👍︎ 8
💬︎
👤︎ u/PotBuzz
📅︎ Mar 22 2020
🚨︎ report
3d printers can print guns now

Not impressed. Had a canon printer for years.

👍︎ 152
💬︎
👤︎ u/lbucas
📅︎ Sep 23 2018
🚨︎ report
I would consider myself a pretty rad dad, so here you go: "Why wasn't the document allowed at the children's party?"

"Why wasn't the document allowed at the children's party?"

Because he was a PDF File!

👍︎ 1k
💬︎
👤︎ u/DeathnautPrime
📅︎ Jan 21 2014
🚨︎ report
This is the worst pun i‘ve seen all day
👍︎ 6
💬︎
👤︎ u/TheRealLuzifer
📅︎ Mar 16 2019
🚨︎ report
I cannot be-weave he said this

I’m terrified of spiders and had to summon my boyfriend to relocate a rather large one hanging out on the back door.

Him: Actually I think I’ll put him in a jar. We can keep him as a pet and name him Frank.

Me staring at him bewildered:.... name him frank?

Him: Yes because he frankly terrifies you.

👍︎ 5
💬︎
📅︎ Jun 21 2019
🚨︎ report
A dad and his son are out camping when they hear a loud roar outside their tent.

Scrambling, they look outside and see a bear, standing on its hind legs.

"Roar!" the bear growls.

They begin to run away into the woods, but the bear doesn't give chase. In fact, it's still standing there, looking at the tent.

"Roar!" the bear growls.

They stop and watch but it just keeps standing there. They inch closer, but no reaction.

"Roar!" the bear growls.

They summon up all their courage and approach to within inches. No reaction.

"Roar!" the bear growls.

"I think this bear might be broken," observes the son.

The dad nods. "I think that bear's repeating."

👍︎ 5
💬︎
👤︎ u/whomikehidden
📅︎ Aug 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Gardening question: Anyone know a good place to buy a fern?

Asking for a frond.

👍︎ 17
💬︎
👤︎ u/Ganders81
📅︎ May 05 2017
🚨︎ report
The pearly gates

St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates, waiting for new souls coming to heaven. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"

"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"

"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."

"Sounds easy enough. OK."

So Jesus manned the gates for St. Peter. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to sit down and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What did you do for a living?"

The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."

Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked.

"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."

Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"

"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."

Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"

The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"

👍︎ 9
💬︎
👤︎ u/Anthonybrose
📅︎ Apr 24 2019
🚨︎ report
My silly I.T dad is convinced he's a comedic genius

So my sister brought her computer over for my dad to fix. From my room, some 30 minutes later, i just heard him sniggering, and eventually balling his eyes out with laughter. He summons me over, and says through teary eyes "Look what i changed her computer name to!" So, look i did, expecting something silly. Sure enough, he had called it "Banana". I just shook my head and walked off while he cackled maniacally in his chair.

👍︎ 399
💬︎
👤︎ u/WerdsWerth
📅︎ Aug 27 2013
🚨︎ report
No matter how much you push the envelope,

it'll still be stationery.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

When chemists die, they barium.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore

I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A. I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered. He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the ends.

👍︎ 5
💬︎
👤︎ u/PewPewWizard2000
📅︎ Sep 08 2018
🚨︎ report
Bear Walks into a Bar

A bear walks Into a bar, summons the bartender and says, 'I'll have a rum and ... ... ... Coke'. Bartender says,'why the long pause?' Bear replies, 'These?! (Looking at his paws), I've had these since birth!'

I'm here all week...

👍︎ 273
💬︎
📅︎ Jun 28 2013
🚨︎ report
Red Bull is going to be merging with the company that makes Viagra

Their new slogan: "It gives you wangs!"

👍︎ 4
💬︎
👤︎ u/QuercusMax
📅︎ Aug 05 2017
🚨︎ report
Got my wife twice on Google Hangouts

(we just found out that little animations happen when you type certain words, both of us are typing "yay" to try to make it happen again)

Her: Yay! Yay? YaY yaY

Me: I feel like we're trying to summon Beetlejuice.

Her: HAHAHA!!!! I'm laughing at my desk now!

Me: DID YOUR DESK TELL A JOKE??? I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW DESKS HAD A SENSE OF HUMOR.

👍︎ 13
💬︎
👤︎ u/chalklitt
📅︎ Dec 04 2015
🚨︎ report
My dad and the spider

My dad was sat in his chair, on his laptop, when all of a sudden he summoned me to his side. As I sit by him, he points at the screen. A spider has found its way onto the monitor.

"Do you know what its doing?" He asked.

"No" I replied.

"It's on the web."

👍︎ 61
💬︎
👤︎ u/Dantwon
📅︎ Oct 19 2013
🚨︎ report
A three-reader face-palmer of a dadjoke

An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

👍︎ 3
💬︎
👤︎ u/CattMristoff
📅︎ Nov 10 2014
🚨︎ report
My grandma just sent a chain email full of these. I'll just copy and paste them.

"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for the use of words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless." A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location. This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.

Here goes...

.. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

.. The batteries were given out free of charge.

.. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

.. A will is a dead giveaway.

.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

.. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

.. Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

.. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

.. A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

.. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

And the cream of the twisted crop:

.. Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.

👍︎ 18
💬︎
📅︎ Feb 27 2015
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.