I wrote an essay in highschool about lottery winners who ended up losing. Apparently I thought this was way funnier than it is.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RealSkylitPanda
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
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Why wasn't helium surprised or shocked when it won the lottery?

Because it's not a very good reactor

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ginks_21
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
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I won a $1million in the lottery last night and have decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.

I now have 999.999.75 left.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
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Spend your last dollar on a $0.98 lottery ticket and see what you end up with.

That's just my two cents.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ryanooooo
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
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Husband: Honey! Pack your bags, I just won the lottery...

Wife: That’s wonderful, honey! Where are we going?

Husband: β€œWe’re” not going anywhere.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
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My friend gave me a losing lottery ticket

It didn’t make any cents

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πŸ‘€︎ u/watchoutlca
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
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When my friend won the lottery he was alarmed out how many relatives started contacting him...

It was heir raising.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
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A cow wins the lottery...

Needles to say he was over the mooooon

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πŸ‘€︎ u/XanderMcpander
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
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God finally answered my prayer for winning the $10 million lottery.

The answer was no.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2019
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I won the lottery and squandered most of it on buying 17th century artwork and musical instruments.

It left me baroque.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
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I won a million dollars playing the lottery and donated a quarter of it to my favorite charity.

What should I do with the remaining $999,999.75?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/skol_vkings
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2019
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Did you hear about the builder who won the lottery? He was so shocked that he fainted and fell into a vat of concrete...

Apparently he's set for life!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2019
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One day a man bought a lottery ticket...

To his surprise, when he scratched it off he had won a million dollars. The man picked up his phone right away to call his wife.

Man: β€œHoney, I won the lottery! Pack your bags!”

Wife: β€œThat’s amazing! I’m so excited where are we going?!”

Man: β€œI don’t know where you’re going, but be out by 5!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/doggonegooddog
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
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A man asked his wife "What would you do if I won the Lottery?"

She replied "I'd take half and leave you."

"Great!", "I won $12, here's $6...Stay in touch......"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/viperfour
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2019
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My brother won 5 million dollars on the lottery, then promptly spent it all on a solid gold, jewel-encrusted garbage can.

What a waste!

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
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This week’s winning lottery numbers are 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9.

I mean, what are the odds?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2018
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What do you call a psychic that wins the lottery?

A happy medium

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JasonTie
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2019
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Get it? Luck. Lottery.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Stuman
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2019
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Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery

But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Possum
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2018
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My friend recently got t-boned in his new car after winning the lottery. I asked him if he was a glass half full or glass half empty type of guy. He responded

Medium-well.

Edit: over-medium is for eggs

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πŸ‘€︎ u/UD_Gama_Reigh
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2019
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What did the piss covered safe say to the man who won the lottery?

Urine lock

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πŸ‘€︎ u/me-no-smart
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2019
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What do you call a lottery in the safari?

A Gir-raffle!

I’m not officially a dad till Oct 27 but I am one in the making!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrHmm
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2018
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What do they call you if you win the lottery in Rio de Janeiro?

A brazilionaire!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FrogusTheDogus
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2019
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Wanna know how my bald Sheep won the lottery?

It was shear luck.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sublime50lbc
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2019
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Did you hear about the baker who won the lottery but kept on working?

He kneaded it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spiritdad
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2018
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I won the lottery and spent all my winnings on 17th century paintings and classical instruments

It left me baroque.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Clbull
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2017
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My son said he would pay off his student debt if he won the lottery.

I wonder what he'd do with the remaining Β£5.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2018
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Told my son if I win the lottery I'd give him half.

I won Β£50. I'm not sure if I should give him the Β£5 or Β£0.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2018
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My dad told me he's fat because he once won a Brittish lottery...

... he gained a lot of pounds.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bowie_Steutel
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2017
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I was talking to my dad about the Lottery...

Me: "Did you see the lottery hit 1.3 billion?" Dad: "Yeah, thats a loto money."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/leffdawg
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2016
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My dad's plans if he ever wins the lottery.

"If I had millions of dollars, I would buy a new butt because mine has a hole in it."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rebellion-lies
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2013
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Dad wins lottery, hilariously prolongs telling his kids. (video)

Edited so you don't have to wait as long as these poor guys did.

You'll probably want to turn on the subtitles.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QHKGlQ0AyJs

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cabothief
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2014
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Son asked if we won the lottery

My wife and I were in the kitchen and my son knew we had bought a lottery ticket and asked if we had won. I said "Yeah, we won millions of dollars and forgot to mention it" my wife said "No, we didn't win a thing, not even a dollar." Hearing two different answers he had to think for a bit then said "Ok, I get it. Mom was being serious and Dad was being Dad."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/a_casual_observer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2014
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My dad everytime he buys a lottery ticket.

My dad: "May I get 1 lottery ticket?"

Cashier: "what kind?"

My dad: "the winning one!"

Every. Time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kawi_moto96
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2014
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