Today someone bought our department a box of donuts and some lotto tickets. The potential grand prize was $3,000, in which my boss exclaimed "Well that isn't enough to retire".

I corrected him by saying that is plenty of money to buy some new tires for your car.

The physical pain on his face was priceless.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Megaman_90
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
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My buddy Juan and I went to China, and he won a scratcher lotto.

Juan won one yuan.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sister-Physter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
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Why do they call it the β€œlotto”...?

Because if you win, you get a β€œlotto” money.

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
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One day I saw a squirrel burying lotto tickets under a large bush, so I asked him what he was doing.

He told me he was hedging his bets.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mellowfish
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2017
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What'd the baker use her lotto winnings on?

Ciabatta oven.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/blindfire40
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2015
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I'm studying abroad in New Zealand...

I've been here for a couple months now. My family is in Boston, so I'm 19 hours ahead.

My dad asks for the winning lottery numbers at least once a week.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TBD3
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2015
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I like to collect the stupid things my family says.

This might be a bit long? My family isn't the brightest of individuals.

Sister: My balls are caught in the door!

Me: LOL, WHAT?

Sister: The poof balls on my shoes.


**Grandpa**: I saw you took my junk out of your car and threw it into my car.

**Grandma**: *grins and nods*

**Grandpa**: You're so sweet.

**Grandma**: And I saw lotto tickets too.

**Grandpa**: I dunno where those came from.

**Grandma**: Uh-huh. Probably a damn $5 dollar ticket too.

**Grandpa**: No, $2.

**Me**: He doesn't know where they came from, but he knows how much they cost.

**Grandpa**: *starts adding more to my list of chores*

~

**Grandpa**: It's kinda hot in here.

**Grandma**: NO IT'S NOT, Take off your damn clothes if you're hot.

**Grandpa**: Is that all you ever want me to do, take my clothes off?!

**Me**: OH DEAR GOD, I'M RIGHT HERE.

~

**TV**: The line, "To be, or not to be. That is the question!" is from which Shakespeare play?

**Grandma**: Julius Caesar, right?

**Me**:  Wow.

~

**Me**: How can you NOT like that movie. It has WILL SMITH.

**Grandma**: *thinks* Is it that movie, and he has a partner?!

**Me**: YES. And he's in the west and there's that giant spider at the end!

**Grandma**: WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?!

**ME**: I DID.

~

**Grandpa**: I need to get a tree saw.

**Grandma**: What's a tree saw...

**Me**: A TREE SAW. A saw, that saws trees. You can't simplify it anymore than that.

~

*while watching American Idol*

**Me**: Omg, that guy's nose is HUGE.

**Grandpa**: If he sniffs really hard, he could overdose on oxygen.

~

**Grandpa**: I'm looking for my camouflage underwear, but they're camouflaged so well, that I can't find them!

~

*Sister rambles on about hating cats and how they're scary*

**Me**: You're just a weenie, Tyla.

**Tyla**: Oh yeah?  Well at least Papa loves weenies!

*Me and Papa look at each other*

**Me**: I sure as hell hope Papa does NOT like weenies.

~

*As we drive home, the tornado siren goes off* 

**Kaylah**: Have you ever seen it?

**Me**: ...Seen what? 

**Kaylah**: The car with the siren.

**Me**: What in the hell are you talking about? 

**Kaylah**: Isn't the tornado siren on a car that drives around town? 

**Me**: ......

~

*While driving through Alton one morning* 

**Grandma**: Here, take a sip of this.

**Me**: Ew.  Coffee is nasty.

**Grandma**: No it isn't!  It wakes ya up, and puts hair on your chest!

~

*Grandma walks out of the bathroom and wipes her wet hands on my face* 

**Grandma*
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ziezie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2014
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Joke to a Waitress

One of the many jokes my Dad constantly makes when a waiter/waitress brings the bill:

Waitress/Waiter: "There is the bill can I get you anything else?"

Dad: "How about a winning lotto ticket?"

Awkward laughs all around.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotCanada
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2013
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