My friend is running for treasurer and needs to make an eight second video for the video announcing the candidates, any good quick money puns for that?
I need a money pun for a title of a speech I’m giving about the history of money. I knew you guys would spark my creativity.
My mom played the clarinet in high school. She mentioned she wanted to play again, but doesn't have the money to waste on it. I ordered one for her birthday and left her a subtle clue.
In addition to Taiwan, the US has also sold torpedoes to Vietnam. Rather than pay money, they traded with a huge bulk of food. The weapons are now called ...
Pho Ton Torpedoes.
(A consequence of reading a front page post about the sale to Taiwan while watching ST:TNG.)
Did you hear about the ATM that got addicted to money?
It suffered from withdrawals.
Money factories are the only thing in America I understand.
My wife says she doesn’t want me to spend so much money on dates.
Picked up some prunes instead, they’re okay I guess.
My friend is a sushi chef and makes a ton of money.
I asked my fisherman friend, “How much money do you make for your catch?”
He said, “I don’t discuss my .....net worth.”
When you gotta make Music at 8 but wash Money at 10
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Whenever I have a pessimistic thought, I put some money in it.
it's currently half empty
Robber broke into my house to find money
So I was rolling coins from my tip money and placing the rolled up sleeves on each other forming a kind of pyramid shape:
My sister walks up to me and asks: “Are you creating a pyramid scheme?”
I invested all my money in a whipped cream factory.
People told me not to. They said that it's a huge whisk.
My New Year's resolution is to save enough money to buy a Velcro wall.
And I plan on sticking to it!
How'd the crematorium owner make all his money?
What did the Norwegian money lender say when he arrived at your front door?
If you want to save money this Christmas,
now is the perfect time to tell the kids that Santa didn't make it through the pandemic.
What era is a musician in when he has no money?
I don’t understand why my wife spends so much money on shampoo...
I paid off my new limousine up front, but now I can't afford to hire a driver. So much money spent.
And nothing to chauffeur it.
“Nation’s Geologists demand more money for Marijuana research” I guess those geologists are a bunch of Stoners.
I invested all of my money in cannabis infused beef. I know . . it’s a risky decision.
I don’t like the government taking all my money. It’s taxing
Hey, I don't care, if people want to spend lots of their money on electricity...
Why don't dog lawyers make any money?
Because they are pro bone-O.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!”
The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber says, “Don’t change the subject!"
A thief broke into my house last night looking for money
If you’re going to put your money on something, make it yeast
It will always make your dough rise.
If I ever have the money, I'm going to commission a bust.
But I'm getting a head of myself.
People only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make
Then they call me ugly and poor
Took me awhile, but I was finally able to get my hands in some Iranian money for my coin collection!
I'm rial-ly developing a respectable collection, lemme tell ya!
I used to be addicted to eating money
Since I stopped I’ve lost lots of pounds, there’s been a lot of change.
I was going to tell a joke about money
But I can't think of one atm.
How much money do professional ice skaters make in a year?
Eight figures but unfortunately they can't access it because their accounts are frozen.
Where do raisins keep their money?
There was a line of people outside of the gym I workout at the other day. I found it quite weird as the line of people were paying money just to hit each other.
Guess you could call it a punchline.
To save money I made myself a pair of glasses out of 2 old ketchup bottles.
In Heinz-sight I should have just bought a proper pair
Why did the money fall off the tree ?
A guy broke into my house last night and was looking for money.
So I got up and looked with him.
My friends never let me borrow money for arcade games at the roller rink
Today I was wearing a shirt with the family crest of my favorite painter Frida Kahlo. After a few hours I started to get hungry and ordered takeout. When my delivery person arrived he handed over my food without taking any money for bringing it to me. I asked him “How come there’s no charge?”
He replied: I was going to charge you, but I noticed you had Frida Livery”
My wife spends all of our grocery money on cheese.
I think she needs to go to briehab
Why don't bees spend their money?
My son borrows money from me every week, so I told him, “I don’t think you understand the seriousness of your debt situation.”
He said, “Oh please. You should really give me a bit more credit.”
What do you call a bunch of crows gathering money?
What do you call it when trans people loan eachother money?
I don't know why my money printing machine can only do paper currency.
It doesn't make any cents.
What's an easy way to double your money?
Hold it in front of a mirror
How do pig families save money on clothes?
I counted my piggy bank today. Some would say $100 is a lot of money,
But it’s just change to me!
When the flutist found out she was making less money than the cellist was making...
She wondered what the bass salary is.
The irony of putting Tooth Fairy money in his How To Train Your Dragon bank
What's the best Christmas present money can buy?
A broken drum.
You just can't beat it.
I bet you any money I could beat Mike Tyson. Any time. Any place.
Beat him at chess, that is.
Where do fish keep their money?
Did you hear about the classical musician that had money issues?
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.
On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.
My neighbor tried to wager money on whether I could jump the row of bushes between our properties...
But I don't like to hedge my bets.
If money doesn't grow on tree's....
Then why do banks have so many branches?
What do a dolphin and a cat with no money have in common?
Some people say that mega churches exist to make money
But I think they are all about the prophets
I wish I had more money so that my life was bourgeoiseasier
Why is it easy to make money out of manufacturing rulers?
Because of the economies of scale.
The man who killed donkeys for money.
What did the middleman say when the buyer asked him to pass the money onto the seller?
I suspect my maid is stealing money from my drawer, but she won’t admit to it.
I just want her to come clean.
How much money is inside the ATM?
Why some mobsters prefer not to laundry their dirty money?
They want to be filthy rich.
If time is money...
Then is an ATM a time machine?
When does it start to rain money?
When there is change in the weather.
I’m never again donating money to anyone collecting for a marathon.
They just take the money and run.
My New year's resolution is to save enough money to buy myself a Velcro wall.
I'm planning on sticking to it.
I finally have enough money!
Now I don’t have to work for the rest of the year
Edit: For context, this was written on 12/31/2019
My neighbour lends people money, but refuses to take on partners or associates.
He's a lone-wolf loan-shark.
I didn't think the police would convict me for robbery until I saw the briefcase full of the money
In that case, they had evidence.
The last thing my grandfather told me was that it is worth it to spend money on good speakers.
How did Eddie Money get himself and a friend into the backgammon tournament?
Two tickets, two pair of dice.
If you give an eevee money what does it evolve into?
The truth is that neither love nor money that makes the world go round
Time is money said the farmer,
Where does Santa invest his money?
In Christmas Stockings and shares.
This Holiday season it seems like everyone is spending a lot of money and buying cars.
I keep hearing everyone say they are buying their kids a toy yoda.
Why was the borrowed money not afraid anymore?
Because it wasn't a loan any more.
My New Years resolution this year is to save enough money to buy myself a Velcro wall.
I’m planning on sticking to it.
What do you get when you cross money with a meerkat?
If money makes the world go round...
Where do fish keep their money?