Twenty years ago, we had Johnny Cash, Steve Jobs, and Bob Hope. Now we have no cash, no jobs, and no hope.

It will be a very sad day when Kevin Bacon dies.

πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wimpykidfan37
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2021
🚨︎ report
Don't know if this is a scam, but I just received a text saying I'd won Β£250 cash or 2 VIP tickets to an Elvis tribute night.

It says, " Press 1 for the money or 2 for the show...."

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2021
🚨︎ report
Jesus didn't pay for our sins with cash or credit...

He used PrayPal.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2021
🚨︎ report
A baseball player was shopping at the dairy while in a bad mood. He'd played in a home run derby yesterday; though he got more runs than anyone else, another player was awarded the trophy. While in line at the register, the lady in front of him was short on cash. He decided to do a good deed, so...

The bitter, better-batter bought her butter!

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pthelynese
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2021
🚨︎ report
There was a fog machine on sale, but I didn't have enough cash.

It was a mist opportunity.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Predestinatural
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the T-Rex need to borrow some cash?

Because he couldn’t liquidate any assets.

Oh? You thought it was because he was short-handed? Wow. That’s what you get for assuming.

((My wife gets annoyed because when I ask a lighthearted question I always multiple replies ready to go; so, if she gets it right the first time I just redirect with a different reply. Keepin’ her on her toes!))

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheCVisNih
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2021
🚨︎ report
I met my girlfriend at the cash register.

She was checking me out!

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Camo5
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
🚨︎ report
When is the best time in the morning to withdraw cash?

ATM

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
I found some insects living in my apartment, but they offered me cash if I let them stay.

Now I have ten ants.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iamapizza
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I can't stop taking money out of every cash machine I walk past...

Doctor has diagnosed I'm suffering from withdrawal symptoms.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Which industry makes the most significant portion of its profits through a cash cow?

Big Farmer

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oceanchimp
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
🚨︎ report
What country doesn't take cash or credit?

The Czech Republic

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pewds696969
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2019
🚨︎ report
My brother wanted cold hard cash for Christmas. I think I delivered well
πŸ‘︎ 100
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NJ2244
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Tennis player Sampras needed rice wine and sent me to buy a bottle without giving me cash...

For Pete's sake, I guess he wants me to pay for it myself!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
🚨︎ report
We’ve just had a decorator in to do some work. I got chatting to him, and it turns out he is a pilot on furlough, earning a bit of cash.

He did a lovely job of the landing.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I put all my spare cash into an origami business...

It folded

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/laserspewpew_
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I know loads of jokes about cash machines

I just can't think of one atm

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HeartBreakKid99
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2018
🚨︎ report
My mom saw I was talking to a T-Rex and that we exchanged cash. She asked why.

I told her he is my small arms dealer.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kriskidd21
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do bakers always carry extra cash?

Because they never know when a bit of extra dough might be kneaded!

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/breakone9r
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I finally got to cash in on a joke today that I’ve been looking for a reason to use for years

Background: My family was at the lake today. The lake was a little choppy today so when we went on the boat we hit one really big wave where the front end of the boat came crashing down hard. My nephew (7) just happened to be sitting on a cup holder and it hurt his butt when we landed.

We got back to the house and my nephew said...

Nephew: my butt hurts. I think its broken.

Me: did I ever tell you about the time I broke my butt?

Nephew: no. Is it still broken?

Me: yeah. There’s a big crack in it still.

He didn’t get it. But all the other adults laughed/rolled their eyes. Stupid joke I know, but I don’t care.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LostPin
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Is a crappy cash register...

...a POS?

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call singing cash

A harmoney

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheZordLord
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2020
🚨︎ report
One day, Kermit the Frog was a little short on cash, so he went to the bank to speak to a loan officer...

When he got there, a woman extended her hand.

"Good afternoon, sir," she said. "My name is Patricia Wack. How may I help you today?"

Kermit replied, "Hi-ho, Patricia! I'm Kermit the Frog, and I would like to borrow some money."

They walked over to her desk and sat down.

"Certainly, Mr. Frog--"

"Oh, just call me Kermit."

"Okay... Kermit. How much money would you like to borrow?"

"Ten thousand dollars."

Mildly surprised, Ms. Wack looked intently at Kermit.

"Do you have any references?"

"Well, I suppose I could use my father, Keith Richards."

Ms. Wack froze for a second, then...

"THE Keith Richards?"

"Oh, yes. In fact, he told me he's friends with your manager, which is why I came in here."

"Okay... Do you have any collateral?"

"Excuse me?"

"Collateral. Something of value, like a car, or a boat..."

"Oh, yes! I do have something. I have this."

Kermit reached into his briefcase and placed a small figurine on the desk. Patricia looked curiously at the object, then at our amphibious friend.

"What's this?"

"It's a Hummel."

"A what?"

"A Hummel. They're supposed to be quite valuable. Well, at least this one is to me."

She picked up the Hummel and stood up.

"If you don't mind, I would like to show this to the manager."

"Oh, no! I don't mind at all!"

So, Patricia took the Hummel to the manager's office, knocked on the door, and walked inside.

"Patricia! What can I do for you?"

"Mr. Wilson, there's this... frog named Kermit at my desk, and he wants to borrow $10,000, but he has only this for collateral."

Mr. Wilson looked at the Hummel, then out to her desk.

"I don't see anything out of order here."

"But, Mr. Wilson--"

"Look, it's a knick-knack, Patty Wack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

πŸ‘︎ 66
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πŸ‘€︎ u/norrisrw
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2019
🚨︎ report
I was arrested for using cash that my friend gave me after I installed a new table top in his kitchen.

He gave me counter fit money.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I was going to make a joke about cash Machines but

I can’t think of any atm.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/welsh97
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Let me tell you how I got so good at making pictures of cash....

I made many many many many many money drawings.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ocawesome101
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Before he died my grandad used to keep a secret cash stash in the toilet cistern.

In the end he was just throwing money down the drain.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gaoler86
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
🚨︎ report
My daughter received $46 cash in a birthday card

She commented, "that's an odd amount." I told her for being a math honors student, I would think she'd recognize that 46 is an even number.

She rated my comment a 6 out of 10 on the Dad joke scale.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoMaicanMeCrazy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2016
🚨︎ report
If you accidentally leave some cash in your clothing and it goes through the washing machine,

Wouldn't that be 'money laundering'?

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Escalade1414
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Carol wanted to make some cash so she tried to sell cookies, but they weren’t even cooked all the way...

What a half-baked attempt at making dough.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UrAHarryWizard7
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Cold hard cash
πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WorshipPurple
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2018
🚨︎ report
That was very cash money
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cheeselord03
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2019
🚨︎ report
An Australian chess player went into a restaurant and ordered food. After having his food , the waiter asked him "Cash or Credit , Sir?"

He said "Cheque , mate"

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PanPitza
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2019
🚨︎ report
How come hooker midgets don't make a lot of cash?

Because they sell themselves short.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EscapeWithJo
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2019
🚨︎ report
I would have tipped if I had cash.
πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dashmihok
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2019
🚨︎ report
So my fiance recently divorced from her stay at home ex whose name is Ali. He was making a fuss about not getting his cash settlements from the divorce. I had to calm her down and tell her to

Pay Alimony.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/roha5090
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2019
🚨︎ report
A couple of decades ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, and Steve Jobs. Now, there's no cash, no hope, and no jobs...

For the love of God, don't let Kevin Bacon pass away

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chateau512
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm going to cash in on the success of 'Avengers: Infinity War' by opening up a comics themed sandwich shop...

It'll be called Soup or Hero.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DefenestrateYou
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2018
🚨︎ report
We’ve just had a decorator in to do some work on the house. I got chatting to him and it turns out he is a British Airways pilot who’s been furloughed and earning a bit of extra cash.

He made a lovely job of the landing.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tommadds
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
🚨︎ report
What country does not accept cash or credit cards ?

The Czech Republic

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Don't know if this is a scam but I just received a text saying I'd won $250 cash or 2 tickets to an Elvis tribute night.

It says press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.

πŸ‘︎ 307
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πŸ‘€︎ u/keithasaurus
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2018
🚨︎ report
Don't know if this is a scam but I just received a text saying I'd won $250 cash or 2 tickets to an Elvis tribute night.

It says press 1 for the money or 2 for the show

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OwenJthomas89
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2019
🚨︎ report
I know a lot of jokes about cash machines. I just can't think of one atm
πŸ‘︎ 154
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πŸ‘€︎ u/joeylee23
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2018
🚨︎ report

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