A baseball player was shopping at the dairy while in a bad mood. He'd played in a home run derby yesterday; though he got more runs than anyone else, another player was awarded the trophy. While in line at the register, the lady in front of him was short on cash. He decided to do a good deed, so...

The bitter, better-batter bought her butter!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pthelynese
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2021
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When is the best time in the morning to withdraw cash?

ATM

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
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I found some insects living in my apartment, but they offered me cash if I let them stay.

Now I have ten ants.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iamapizza
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
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We’ve just had a decorator in to do some work. I got chatting to him, and it turns out he is a pilot on furlough, earning a bit of cash.

He did a lovely job of the landing.

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
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I finally got to cash in on a joke today that I’ve been looking for a reason to use for years

Background: My family was at the lake today. The lake was a little choppy today so when we went on the boat we hit one really big wave where the front end of the boat came crashing down hard. My nephew (7) just happened to be sitting on a cup holder and it hurt his butt when we landed.

We got back to the house and my nephew said...

Nephew: my butt hurts. I think its broken.

Me: did I ever tell you about the time I broke my butt?

Nephew: no. Is it still broken?

Me: yeah. There’s a big crack in it still.

He didn’t get it. But all the other adults laughed/rolled their eyes. Stupid joke I know, but I don’t care.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LostPin
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2020
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I was arrested for using cash that my friend gave me after I installed a new table top in his kitchen.

He gave me counter fit money.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
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Before he died my grandad used to keep a secret cash stash in the toilet cistern.

In the end he was just throwing money down the drain.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gaoler86
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
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If you accidentally leave some cash in your clothing and it goes through the washing machine,

Wouldn't that be 'money laundering'?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Escalade1414
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2020
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My daughter received $46 cash in a birthday card

She commented, "that's an odd amount." I told her for being a math honors student, I would think she'd recognize that 46 is an even number.

She rated my comment a 6 out of 10 on the Dad joke scale.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoMaicanMeCrazy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2016
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I'm going to cash in on the success of 'Avengers: Infinity War' by opening up a comics themed sandwich shop...

It'll be called Soup or Hero.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DefenestrateYou
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2018
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I quit my job at the farm because my boss wanted to pay me in fruits and vegetables instead of cash.

The celery was unacceptable.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2019
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My wife always put some cash in her phone cover,

Just in case

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lilbluechair
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2019
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One I heard on the Johnny Cash show: "My wife and I haven't had a single fight in our house"

Guest: "What's your secret?"

Cash: "We go in the yard"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Youngblood519
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2017
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Every time my dad pays for something in cash...

He takes the bill, holds it up to the light, and asks the cashier if it looks alright because he just printed it this morning.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mhende
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2013
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My neighbor got in trouble with the police for washing his cash in the washing machine

Turns out, he had laundered the money

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KapSan1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2018
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Apparently they don't pay by cash in Prague

They all use Czechs.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lenzar86
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2018
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So, if I make all my money vending condoms - do I get paid in Johnny Cash?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kantina
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2016
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My girlfriend put my pants in the wash with cash in the pockets.

Me: Baby you know you're a criminal now? Her: What? Why? Me: For money laundering...

Her: Go make sure the door is locked

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MikeTheMadman
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2017
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I accidentally put my donor card in the cash machine the other day.

It cost me an arm and a leg.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/trajiin
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2015
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I was in line for the cash register at the grocery store with my dad

and I notice these big 200 pack containers of Tic Tacs, so I point them out to my dad and say "look, that is intense."

And my dad says back, "That's not intense, that's on a shelf!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/theendofstuff
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2014
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Every time I find cash or coins in the washing machine

I hope I don't get in trouble for money laundering

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bogusjimmy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2014
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We’ve just had a decorator in to do some work on the house. I got chatting to him and it turns out he is a British Airways pilot who’s been furloughed and earning a bit of extra cash.

He made a lovely job of the landing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tommadds
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
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