They practice squid pro quo.
I'm a frostitute
He said Oui Oui
We called him the international juul thief
"No it's not, it's MUNday!" The apprentice has now become the master.
I asked her, “Do those taste good??”
She replied, “No, but the taste is...compelling.”
So I shouted “THE POWER OF FRIES COMPELS YOU!!!”
So thats a turnip for the books.
Me: Heads up, you have a package arriving today with your name on it. You have permission to open it today 😉🎄
Him: Ok. Is the tree a hint or just a christmassy thing? I don’t need a tree🌲
Me: Just a christmassy thing. We didn’t send you a tree.
Him: Great. I wouldn’t want to accuse you of tree, son 🤓
Him: I was trying to branch out into political humor but it didn’t take root so I guess I’ll leaf it there
Me: You don’t know when to quit, do you?
Him: I wooden know about that
"Dad, can I go swimming?"
"Not right now. Wait five or ten minutes."
"Ok, I choose five."
"... Fair enough."
How dare he? They have centimental value.
Me: “This thing is going to be huge.”
Son: “Why? It’s only three floors high.”
Me: “Look at that elevator shaft! They’re going to build more on!”
Son: “Geez Dad, that’s a bit harsh.”
A dead giveaway.
Holding up a dry erase board with the number on it in Roman numerals XIX. Someone asked what number it was and he says: "oh whoops, I got it upside down", and he flips it over.
Daughter: "Hey Dad! Do you know what would be SO COOL?"
Me: "A frozen needle and string?"
Daughter: groans.. "You're IMPOSSIBLE"
Me: "No, no. I'm D-"
Daughter: "DAD. DAD. WE GET IT."
Me: "We Get It.... Is that a new Nintendo System?"
Daughter: . . . walks away
Stay Proud. Stay Dad.
Me: You just really ate to see it
I, for one, find it strange
I don't remember what it's from, but I do remember that the scene involved a squad of soldiers with their sergeant coming across the enemy, and it went like this:
Sergeant: Fire at will!
Private: Uh, who's Will?
Sergeant: Just shoot, you idiot!
So I went to the drug store and bought him the best Axe Scent money can buy!
In return I received a pasta dish.
For the first time in my life, I actually received a Penne for my thoughts
I told him, "That's a little course"
So that Kim Jong Un can still claim to have new clear weapons.
I walked down the stairs to see my wife on the floor laying out a pattern to sew. Her butt was facing me and of course I was staring and going into the kitchen.
Her: Are you staring at my butt? Me: Yes. Her: I always sense when someone is doing that. Me: I guess that means you have the gift of hind sight huh?
8yo - Hey dad, knock knock
Me - who's there?
8yo - daddy boo
Me - daddy boo who?
8yo - awwww dad, don't cry, your life isn't that bad!
I just got dad-joked, hard!
Since you might be arrested for in-cider trading
I beg to differ...
Wife After belching loudly: I don't know where that came from.
Me: Your belly.
Wife: That's apparent.
Me: No you're apparent.
Commence with the sighs.
A smile!!! :)
But that’s also the only gift I can afford this year ....... what can I say, I’m a post-Renaissance man, baroque.
Going on a small excursion tomorrow and my brother asked to go with. Texted my aunt to tell her he wanted to be a girl scout cookie tomorrow and tag along. Her response.... Smore the marrier.
I honestly didn't expect so much Spanish Inquisition.
Me: I got pizza for us Her: oh what kind? Me: buffalo chicken Her: omg i was just thinking about that! Me: you could say we are like lance bass and justin timberlake Her: ? Me: we're nsync Her: .....omg
Dad: How is everyone this morning?
Me: Good, trying to figure out how to put holly outside to go potty, and not just stand at the back door and bark
Dad: Why are you barking at the back door while holly is pootying
Me to Dad: Hey Dad! How's it going? I'm waiting for stitches. This seriously happens annually. I should buy a suture kit...
Dad to me: Crazy glue works as a surgical glue for some smaller injuries, hurts less than a suture needle, but hey... suture-self.