Did you hear about the seafood restaurant that will give you calamari in exchange for money?

They practice squid pro quo.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crotalis
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I exchange sexual favors for frosties from Wendy's

I'm a frostitute

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DaviDeberjerack
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I asked my French exchange student if he went to the bathroom before we got into the car

He said Oui Oui

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DuctapeCat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I had a friend in high school who was a foreign exchange student, and he always took mine and my friend’s e-cigarettes

We called him the international juul thief

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/minimikjr
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Was pretty proud of this exchange on a dating app tonight
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rachrawr
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2018
🚨︎ report
Tomorrow is International Mud Day, and I had this marvellous exchange with my 4 year old today, Sunday: "Better prepare your gumboots, tomorrow is Mud Day!" I exclaimed. My child, without missing a beat, replied:

"No it's not, it's MUNday!" The apprentice has now become the master.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Just casual exchange with coworker in the health field.
πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/funkyunicorn12
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2020
🚨︎ report
An exchange with my boss overseeing some artwork today.
πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ninja-skoldpadda
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2020
🚨︎ report
(Actual exchange) My wife was eating some day-old fries

I asked her, β€œDo those taste good??”

She replied, β€œNo, but the taste is...compelling.”

So I shouted β€œTHE POWER OF FRIES COMPELS YOU!!!”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/I_tell_dad_jokes
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Even though I insisted there was no need for repatriation, my neighbour has just brought round a root vegetable in exchange for the reading material I gave them.

So thats a turnip for the books.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hairyfacedhooman
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2019
🚨︎ report
An epic exchange of air travel puns in a group chat.
πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eastawat
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2018
🚨︎ report
Text exchange with my 70-yo father. He’s still got it.

Me: Heads up, you have a package arriving today with your name on it. You have permission to open it today πŸ˜‰πŸŽ„

Him: Ok. Is the tree a hint or just a christmassy thing? I don’t need a tree🌲

Me: Just a christmassy thing. We didn’t send you a tree.

Him: Great. I wouldn’t want to accuse you of tree, son πŸ€“

Me: Oooof

Him: I was trying to branch out into political humor but it didn’t take root so I guess I’ll leaf it there

Me: You don’t know when to quit, do you?

Him: I wooden know about that

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/idkflycasual
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Reverse dad joke. Actual exchange I heard between my brother and his daughter.

"Dad, can I go swimming?"

"Not right now. Wait five or ten minutes."

"Ok, I choose five."

"... Fair enough."

πŸ‘︎ 258
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πŸ‘€︎ u/moak0
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2018
🚨︎ report
My son asked me to exchange a bunch of American coins I collected as a kid.

How dare he? They have centimental value.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xbasicgirlx
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Proud day for me! My son got me with this exchange while looking at a new building being constructed.

Me: β€œThis thing is going to be huge.”

Son: β€œWhy? It’s only three floors high.”

Me: β€œLook at that elevator shaft! They’re going to build more on!”

Son: β€œGeez Dad, that’s a bit harsh.”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VeryLastBison
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call the punchline to a joke about zombies having a gift exchange?

A dead giveaway.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BinaryPeach
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Playing a gift exchange with my dad and he got us all:

Holding up a dry erase board with the number on it in Roman numerals XIX. Someone asked what number it was and he says: "oh whoops, I got it upside down", and he flips it over.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Young_Zaphod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2018
🚨︎ report
The following exchange left a smile on my face.

Daughter: "Hey Dad! Do you know what would be SO COOL?"

Me: "A frozen needle and string?"

Daughter: groans.. "You're IMPOSSIBLE"

Me: "No, no. I'm D-"

Daughter: "DAD. DAD. WE GET IT."

Me: "We Get It.... Is that a new Nintendo System?"

Daughter: . . . walks away

.

.

Stay Proud. Stay Dad.

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/onejdc
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2018
🚨︎ report
What is a stock exchange's favourite drink?

Forex Gold

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/XboxUnited_
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Friend: My mouth burned the whole time cause my dad made me eat this hot pepper in exchange for the show ticket. Wasn’t even a good show.

Me: You just really ate to see it

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThunderZ__
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you think about the guy who exchanges letters with numbers?

I, for one, find it strange

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2019
🚨︎ report
An exchange I remember seeing in a cartoon or movie a long time ago

I don't remember what it's from, but I do remember that the scene involved a squad of soldiers with their sergeant coming across the enemy, and it went like this:

Sergeant: Fire at will!
Private: Uh, who's Will?
Sergeant: Just shoot, you idiot!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MajorRobotnik
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
🚨︎ report
My teenage son came home upset that his crush is attracted to the new foreign exchange student at school

So I went to the drug store and bought him the best Axe Scent money can buy!

πŸ‘︎ 181
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KingBuck_413
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2018
🚨︎ report
I gave valuable customer feedback to an Olive Garden in exchange for a gift card

In return I received a pasta dish.

For the first time in my life, I actually received a Penne for my thoughts

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/muncie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2019
🚨︎ report
My boss invited me to play a Par 3 this afternoon in exchange for sexual favors

I told him, "That's a little course"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/toromio
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2018
🚨︎ report
A wholesome exchange of memes
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dawnqwerty
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2018
🚨︎ report
In exchange for peace, the US is offering North Korea a shipment of transparent rockets.

So that Kim Jong Un can still claim to have new clear weapons.

πŸ‘︎ 73
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2018
🚨︎ report
Exchange with the wife this morning.

I walked down the stairs to see my wife on the floor laying out a pattern to sew. Her butt was facing me and of course I was staring and going into the kitchen.

Her: Are you staring at my butt? Me: Yes. Her: I always sense when someone is doing that. Me: I guess that means you have the gift of hind sight huh?

Edit: spelling

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hupomeno
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2018
🚨︎ report
I love watching people fall down in exchange for bread-based meals

r/subsifellfor

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nikzuko
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Actual exchange between my 8-year old daughter and I

8yo - Hey dad, knock knock

Me - who's there?

8yo - daddy boo

Me - daddy boo who?

8yo - awwww dad, don't cry, your life isn't that bad!

I just got dad-joked, hard!

πŸ‘︎ 69
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2017
🚨︎ report
It’s illegal to exchange fermented apples

Since you might be arrested for in-cider trading

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/changhaobyu
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2018
🚨︎ report
People say that I'm bad guy because I ask them for money in exchange for politically incorrect opinions...

I beg to differ...

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2018
🚨︎ report
The most British Twitter exchange ever.
πŸ‘︎ 69
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OldSchoolZero
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2017
🚨︎ report
Who will join me in a bird pun exchange? TOUCAN Play at This Game
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WeissGuy44
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2018
🚨︎ report
An exchange between my pregnant wife and I.

Wife After belching loudly: I don't know where that came from.

Me: Your belly.

Wife: That's apparent.

Me: No you're apparent.

Commence with the sighs.

πŸ‘︎ 76
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gotelc
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2017
🚨︎ report
What’s the only gift that’s better when you return or exchange it?

A smile!!! :)

But that’s also the only gift I can afford this year ....... what can I say, I’m a post-Renaissance man, baroque.

Happy holidays.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lost_ina_fantasy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2018
🚨︎ report
Just had this exchange with my aunt

Going on a small excursion tomorrow and my brother asked to go with. Texted my aunt to tell her he wanted to be a girl scout cookie tomorrow and tag along. Her response.... Smore the marrier.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rotinaj31
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2019
🚨︎ report
I was really surprised at how many questions the Spanish exchange student asked today.

I honestly didn't expect so much Spanish Inquisition.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MightyOtaku
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2018
🚨︎ report
What do people use to exchange goods and services in Atlantis?

Current sea

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/offlebagg1ns
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2016
🚨︎ report
I brought a pair of "bows" headphones to a dirty Santa exchange imgur.com/5hzyhBA
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/musichatesyouall
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2017
🚨︎ report
Where do seamstresses go to exchange ideas?

Threadit. :)

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2018
🚨︎ report
Hit my wife with this exchange via text

Ordering pizza.

Me: I got pizza for us Her: oh what kind? Me: buffalo chicken Her: omg i was just thinking about that! Me: you could say we are like lance bass and justin timberlake Her: ? Me: we're nsync Her: .....omg

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jerooby
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2018
🚨︎ report
Exchange with my dad this morning

Dad: How is everyone this morning?

Me: Good, trying to figure out how to put holly outside to go potty, and not just stand at the back door and bark

Dad: Why are you barking at the back door while holly is pootying

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hippiepolynerd
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2018
🚨︎ report
An email exchange with my Dad after a trip to the ER...

Me to Dad: Hey Dad! How's it going? I'm waiting for stitches. This seriously happens annually. I should buy a suture kit...

Dad to me: Crazy glue works as a surgical glue for some smaller injuries, hurts less than a suture needle, but hey... suture-self.

πŸ‘︎ 173
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2014
🚨︎ report
People think that I'm stupid because I ask them for money in exchange of politically incorrect opinions.

Well, I beg to differ.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2019
🚨︎ report

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