I’m hoping to get a stimulus Czech.
They practice squid pro quo.
I'm a frostitute
He said Oui Oui
We called him the international juul thief
"No it's not, it's MUNday!" The apprentice has now become the master.
The native student answers “Cleveland”, much to the teacher’s chagrin. The Exchange student on the other hand, answers “It’s a bit late, but Gozaimasu!”
I asked her, “Do those taste good??”
She replied, “No, but the taste is...compelling.”
So I shouted “THE POWER OF FRIES COMPELS YOU!!!”
So thats a turnip for the books.
Me: Heads up, you have a package arriving today with your name on it. You have permission to open it today 😉🎄
Him: Ok. Is the tree a hint or just a christmassy thing? I don’t need a tree🌲
Me: Just a christmassy thing. We didn’t send you a tree.
Him: Great. I wouldn’t want to accuse you of tree, son 🤓
Me: Oooof
Him: I was trying to branch out into political humor but it didn’t take root so I guess I’ll leaf it there
Me: You don’t know when to quit, do you?
Him: I wooden know about that
"Dad, can I go swimming?"
"Not right now. Wait five or ten minutes."
"Ok, I choose five."
"... Fair enough."
How dare he? They have centimental value.
Me: “This thing is going to be huge.”
Son: “Why? It’s only three floors high.”
Me: “Look at that elevator shaft! They’re going to build more on!”
Son: “Geez Dad, that’s a bit harsh.”
A dead giveaway.
Holding up a dry erase board with the number on it in Roman numerals XIX. Someone asked what number it was and he says: "oh whoops, I got it upside down", and he flips it over.
Daughter: "Hey Dad! Do you know what would be SO COOL?"
Me: "A frozen needle and string?"
Daughter: groans.. "You're IMPOSSIBLE"
Me: "No, no. I'm D-"
Daughter: "DAD. DAD. WE GET IT."
Me: "We Get It.... Is that a new Nintendo System?"
Daughter: . . . walks away
.
.
Stay Proud. Stay Dad.
Me: You just really ate to see it
Forex Gold
I, for one, find it strange
So I went to the drug store and bought him the best Axe Scent money can buy!
I don't remember what it's from, but I do remember that the scene involved a squad of soldiers with their sergeant coming across the enemy, and it went like this:
Sergeant: Fire at will!
Private: Uh, who's Will?
Sergeant: Just shoot, you idiot!
I told him, "That's a little course"
In return I received a pasta dish.
For the first time in my life, I actually received a Penne for my thoughts
So that Kim Jong Un can still claim to have new clear weapons.
8yo - Hey dad, knock knock
Me - who's there?
8yo - daddy boo
Me - daddy boo who?
8yo - awwww dad, don't cry, your life isn't that bad!
I just got dad-joked, hard!
I walked down the stairs to see my wife on the floor laying out a pattern to sew. Her butt was facing me and of course I was staring and going into the kitchen.
Her: Are you staring at my butt? Me: Yes. Her: I always sense when someone is doing that. Me: I guess that means you have the gift of hind sight huh?
Edit: spelling
r/subsifellfor
Since you might be arrested for in-cider trading
I beg to differ...
Wife After belching loudly: I don't know where that came from.
Me: Your belly.
Wife: That's apparent.
Me: No you're apparent.
Commence with the sighs.
A smile!!! :)
But that’s also the only gift I can afford this year ....... what can I say, I’m a post-Renaissance man, baroque.
Happy holidays.
Going on a small excursion tomorrow and my brother asked to go with. Texted my aunt to tell her he wanted to be a girl scout cookie tomorrow and tag along. Her response.... Smore the marrier.
Current sea
I honestly didn't expect so much Spanish Inquisition.
Threadit. :)
Ordering pizza.
Me: I got pizza for us Her: oh what kind? Me: buffalo chicken Her: omg i was just thinking about that! Me: you could say we are like lance bass and justin timberlake Her: ? Me: we're nsync Her: .....omg
Me to Dad: Hey Dad! How's it going? I'm waiting for stitches. This seriously happens annually. I should buy a suture kit...
Dad to me: Crazy glue works as a surgical glue for some smaller injuries, hurts less than a suture needle, but hey... suture-self.
Dad: How is everyone this morning?
Me: Good, trying to figure out how to put holly outside to go potty, and not just stand at the back door and bark
Dad: Why are you barking at the back door while holly is pootying
Well, I beg to differ.
