It was a problematic.
1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
Credit to my economics professor
My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much."
My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my future wife to help me fold my laundry."
I busted out laughing. But the end result is that now I have to fold my own laundry going forward.
Dad: Did you hear about the guy stealing tires off police cruisers?
Me: No, that's crazy!
Dad: Apparently the police are working tirelessly to catch the guy.
Me: ...I hate you.
"So house life?"
Her, handing me a pillow: "Can you take this please?" Me: "Sure, but that's a pillow, not a please."
(Context: we are deciding what shirts to wear for family pictures)
Brother: I have a blue dress shirt, but it’s a little over the top
Dad: Don’t all shirts go over the top?
The first guy says, “I like to say ‘mucho’ to my Spanish friends as much as I can.” The second guy asks, “Why would you say that?” The first guy replies, “ Because I know it means a lot to them.”
our conversation turned into a heated conversation
Dad: Give me your best knock knock joke. Or jokes. Do it when you can no rush.
Me: Does it have to be a knock knock joke or can it be any joke?
Dad: Knock Knock.
Me: Who’s there?
My wife and I had just finished watching the Chipmunks movie with our 4-year-old son. This conversation soon followed:
Son: Is Feeadore real? Wife: No, he's not real, sweetheart. Son: Are there real chickmunks? Wife: Yes, there are. Son: Have you ever seen chickmunks? Wife: I sure have. Me: They're usually called nuns, though.
We’re sitting in the chill out area at work and there’s an old Metallica guitar Tab book near us.
One of the girls says “That book smells like the 90’s”.
A guy laughs and says “What does the 90’s smell like?”
I say “Teen Spirit!”
8-year-old: "Dad, did you know that Humpty Dumpty and Puss in Boots are brothers?"
me: "You know being Humpty Dumpty's brother is not all it's cracked up to be?"
everyone: silence
me: "Give me a break, I am new to this dad joke thing."
teenager: Cracks up
I didn't expect it but he took a fence.
Well. You don’t want to egg him on; he’s a real basket case. Hop out of there.
Her suspicious mind left me all shook up
Her: “Is it difficult for you to talk about this stuff?” (My erectile dysfunction)
Me: “Y’know, normally yeah it is, but with you it’s nothing hard at all...”
Edit: I made this joke completely by accident and then immediately started laughing like a maniac.
Because of their fowl odour.
It was all over the town.
Me: "Hey dad, hypothetically, if the world suddenly ran out of beer, what would you do?"
Dad: "I'd probably swap to pandas."
Me: "Is ... is that like a type of cider?"
Dad: "No, it's a black and white animal."
Me: "Dad? There aren't any pandas in New Zealand?"
Dad: "Well, there's no bears either."
Me (to son): digging holes in the ground.
mum: snigger
I’m not very good at small talk.
It will be for people who love meat tender.
They had a long conversation about bark.
Edit: Y'all are nuts! We're somewhere north of 10k upvotes now, so I'll direct any remaining attention to Boot Camp for New Dads.
Son: Dad, there's a hole in your t-shirt. Me: I know, it's my religious t-shirt. Son: gives me a blank look Me: It's holy!
She was sitting in the car at the mall while her mother shopped. I was sitting inside the mall but outside the shop waiting and wishing I was dead.
Daughter: How much longer, I have to pee.
Me: I have no idea. You'd better come inside, if you don't, urine trouble.
Daughter: You're an idiot.
First lady: Isn’t it a bit windy? Second lady: I thought it was Thursday. Third lady: Me too, let’s have a cup of tea.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Son: Nah. The moon has no legs.
Brother: Babe, we need to eat all the pears, they’re going to go bad soon.
SIL: but I don’t like pears, you can eat the rest of them...
Brother: I don’t think I can eat the rest of them by myself though...
Me, from another part of the room: well you better pre-pear yourself!
*ugly laughs from the couch
But I knew it was lying because I could see right thourgh it
Son: Daddy, where is Thomas? Daddy: I don’t know, mate. Son: He must be working from home today.
Is this his first dad joke?? Strange what they must be picking up from conversations. Got me good.
Because it's always salty!
I guess there just isn’t that much to torque about.
I didn't expect it but he took a fence.
