A man has to poop and has no toilet paper his friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back with poop on his fingers...." Why is there poop on your fingers"

" it's hard to wipe with 3 quarters 2 dimes and a nickel"

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tjeters
πŸ“…︎ May 22
🚨︎ report
Dollar Tree
πŸ‘︎ 42
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Hiteacheryouare
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15
🚨︎ report
This just happened: I explained to my 11 year-old niece that wheat pennies are/were a thing. She didn’t believe me, so she looked it up on grandma’s phone. To our surprise, we learned that there are some people selling wheat pennies online for *thousands* to *TENS* *of* *thousands* of dollars.

To which I said, β€œThat doesn’t make cents.”

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/High_Speed_Chase
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08
🚨︎ report
What do you call a belt made out of hundred dollar bills?

A waist of money.

πŸ‘︎ 95
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01
🚨︎ report
My sister bet me a thousand dollars that I could not build a car out of noodles.

You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Psych-Demon
πŸ“…︎ May 11
🚨︎ report
Sting’s studio was broken into, thousands of dollars worth of gear stolen

Now the Police have no leads.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/great_red_dragon
πŸ“…︎ May 08
🚨︎ report
Some guy paid me a dollar for 98 cents worth of advice!

I gave him my two cents.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08
🚨︎ report
George Washington predicted that some day in the future, a dollar bill will contain his likeness.

In that sense, he was on the money.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 09
🚨︎ report
Why are you supposed to round to the nearest dollar on your tax returns?

Because the IRS has no cents.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MSchmahl
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15
🚨︎ report
One Dollar Shirt
πŸ‘︎ 51
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DeadHawk717
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20
🚨︎ report
Someone recently told me being $30,000 dollars in credit card debt was a bad thing.

If it is such a bad thing, why does my bank say "outstanding balance" below it?

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/aaron778
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16
🚨︎ report
What do you call a million dollar idea?

An idEA

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/I-Reeddit
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25
🚨︎ report
My brother has me worried. Any time he drives by a milk farm, he pulls over and leaves a few dollars on the fence.

Doesn’t he know cow tipping is illegal?

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zedhead0628
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09
🚨︎ report
How come it used to cost a quarter to pump your tires at the gas station, and now it costs a dollar?

Inflation

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nftpc
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the cow competition worth 1,000,000 dollars?

The higher up you can get your cow the higher the score you get.

The steaks are rising.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MightBeATaco
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24
🚨︎ report
My new business failed miserably, I was selling T-shirts featuring glow in the dark dollar bills

But then my Dad reminded me: money doesn’t glow on tees.

πŸ‘︎ 69
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GotMyOrangeCrush
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13
🚨︎ report
I asked God, β€œHow long is a million years?” He said, β€œA minute.” I asked God, β€œHow much is a million dollars?” He said, β€œA penny.” So I asked God for a penny and he said.,,

β€œIn a minute.”

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16
🚨︎ report
The nearby Apple Store just got robbed thousands of dollars worth of MacBooks and iPhones...

...I heard the cops are now looking for iWitnesses

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/____okay
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the Franciscan Friar who inherited 30 million dollars?

He was an heir friar.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/archangel09
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21
🚨︎ report
If I had a dollar for every gender there was, I'd have eight

quarters

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/electrocuter666
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15
🚨︎ report
Viagra worth thousands of dollars was stolen from the pharmacy yesterday.

They are looking for hardened criminals.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Funchaloe
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07
🚨︎ report
What must a president do to get their face on a dollar bill?

Something noteworthy

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/redditorsass9802
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2019
🚨︎ report
A man gives a dollar and gets 10000 melons. Why?

Because it's one hundred per cent organic.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Quhon
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2019
🚨︎ report
My bank won’t make change for a dollar

It just doesn’t make any cents

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/garboooge
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
🚨︎ report
I asked a midget for a dollar today....

He said "Sorry, I'm a little short"

πŸ‘︎ 56
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/B-man44
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2019
🚨︎ report
If I had a dollar for everytime I forgot something...

...wait what was I saying?

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/paddysgloryhole
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17
🚨︎ report
My girl friend just bought fifty tampons for one dollar...

No strings attached.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Get your 1 dollar notes out
πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CocozuBR
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2019
🚨︎ report
I won a million dollars playing the lottery and donated a quarter of it to my favorite charity.

What should I do with the remaining $999,999.75?

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/skol_vkings
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Found these lost soles outside my local dollar store
πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2019
🚨︎ report
I went to the Dollar Tree
πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Drunkyjimmybob
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2019
🚨︎ report
My daughter wanted a bouncy castle for her birthday. The guy said the rental was $50, and the set-up fee was $1000 dollars.

I said, β€œThat’s outrageous!”

He just shrugged and said, β€œThat’s inflation for you.”

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hughdman
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2018
🚨︎ report
"Hey, I bought a Prince CD for just under 20 dollars."

"Lets party like its $19.99!"

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Nich_05
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
🚨︎ report
I told my buddy I’d be donating to teamtrees but I only had tree dollars

He said he’s still rooting for me though.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FilthySef
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Im gonna start making batting cage business that only accepts pennies, dimes,quarters, half dollars, and dollar coins

Gonna call it Nickel-less Cage

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/boxymcboxbox
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Why is Dollar Tree the best place to shop for deer?

Because the males are a buck.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PleaseBeSerious
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2019
🚨︎ report
My sister bet me a hundred dollars i couldn't build a car out of spaghetti

You should've seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!

πŸ‘︎ 712
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RedWolf308
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2018
🚨︎ report
I have a one step program to fell like a billion dollars.

Wear Elon's musk

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
🚨︎ report
If I had a dollar for every time I've procrastinated...

You know what, I'll tell you later.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Xerupton
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend is a know it all who likes to be right always. So he has dollar bills embedded in his shoes.

He has to be on the money.

A better joke may be doable. It's left as an exercise for the reader.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2019
🚨︎ report
What happens when you slip a chicken a dollar?

Chicken strips.

πŸ‘︎ 142
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/alexdist1994
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2019
🚨︎ report
A man asked me for a dollar. I said I only carried big bills.

He asked me to give him one, so I gave him my electric bill.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/criosovereign
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2019
🚨︎ report
I had a silver dollar, but then my dog got a hold of it.

Now I have a bitcoin.

πŸ‘︎ 71
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sublimiacures
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2019
🚨︎ report
What do Canadians call their Dollar Stores?

Loonie Bins!

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zortor
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
🚨︎ report
If you are wise with dollars you'd be rich, what would you be if you were wise with pennies?

You'd be a clown.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
A thousand dollars for a new Apple monitor holder?

Now that's grandstanding.

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/titanroller
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Has anyone here lost a bundle of twenty dollar bills?

Because we found the rubber band

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/novaerbenn
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2019
🚨︎ report
If I had a dollar every time I failed a matt test, I'd have $6.39.
πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Snotburger
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2019
🚨︎ report
I just spent hundreds of dollars online buying expensive ointments for my skin condition.

That was a rash decision.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Air for your car tires used to be free, but now it's a dollar or more.

Inflation can really blow.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bakerkc
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Went into a Salvation Army store and saw a radio. It was turned up full blast but the volume knob was missing. It only cost 1 dollar.

I said boy I can’t turn this down.

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Momorah
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I wanted a dollar but I only got $0.85

I couldn’t be bothered to nickel-and-dome my dad. edit: nickel-and-dime*

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/EnkaaYT
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2019
🚨︎ report
If I broke that dollar into change for you

It would make cents

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GriffinGelz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Loan me 50 dollars

One of the classic Β Abbott and Costello Β routines, where Bud Abbott takes advantage of a common math mistake that we all make to fleece his pal, Lou Costello, out of all of his money. Β The skit ends with a simple β€˜read my mind’ routine that takes Lou’s last remaining bill. Β This routine was done Β many Β times, both in the movies and their radio show.

Bud Abbott: Do me a favor, loan me $50.
Lou Costello: Bud, I can’t. I can’t loan you $50.
Bud Abbott: Oh, yes, ya can.
Lou Costello: No, I can’t. All I got is $40.
Bud Abbott: All right, give me the $40 and you’ll owe me 10 Β 
Lou Costello: Ok, I’ll owe you 10.
Bud Abbott: That’s right.
Lou Costello: How come I owe you 10?
Bud Abbott: How much did

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tfraymond
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2019
🚨︎ report
While walking down the street a man found a hundred dollars on the ground...

While walking down the street a man found a hundred dollars on the ground. Ecstatic, he took the money and walked into a nearby store, thinking he would treat himself. Inside, he purchased a large chocolate cake and started walking home. Suddenly, a crazy old man popped out of an alley next to him and ran straight past him! As he went by, he dropped a mechanical eyeball straight into the middle of the cake. Dazed, the man stopped and stared at the eyeball when it suddenly started to belt out a tune!

Well, obviously the best part of this story was the finding of the 100 dollars - everything else is just eye sing on the cake.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/0elijaHayes0
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in...

It’s currently half empty...

πŸ‘︎ 132
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Just spent $300 dollars on a limousine and discovered the fee doesn't include a driver......

Cant believe i just spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it.

πŸ‘︎ 198
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/phyzix1981
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2019
🚨︎ report
99 cent stores are so much better than dollar stores

1% better, if my math is right...

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thedangerman007
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2019
🚨︎ report
If I had a dollar for every time that I finished something,
πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2019
🚨︎ report
How can you get four suits for just one dollar?

Buy a deck of cards.

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DrumSpace
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2019
🚨︎ report
I went on Deal or No Deal hoping to win a million dollars.

But that turned out to be not the case.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GinormousPenguin
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend bet me a hundred dollars that I couldn't make a car out of spaghetti.

You should've seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/eawesome00
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2019
🚨︎ report
I saw a guy with a belt made of dollar bills.

I told him it looked like a waist of money.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KiwiCandle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2019
🚨︎ report
In Jamaica a pie costs 3 dollars, and in the Bahamas it costs 5 dollars

These are the pie rates of the Caribbeans...

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/allthatimafter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2018
🚨︎ report
Why do chickens think they are dollars?

Because they always go buck buck.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a gorilla with a million dollars?

a gorillanaire

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MildBanana
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the man break a dollar?

It made cents.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/othersuper
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Yesterday I was supposed to get 2 dollars and 50 cents after my transaction at the mall but only got 2 dollars

It doesn’t make any cents

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/loclink
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2019
🚨︎ report
I wanted to buy a Nintendo Switch so I gave my dad 200 dollars and ask him to get me a switch

Comes home 2 hours later with 300 light switchs.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Trigrust
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Son: dad, can I have some change to get a tattoo of a dollar bill on my face?

Dad: that doesn’t break a dollar for me

Son: wait what?

Dad: it doesn’t make any cents

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kstan007
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
🚨︎ report
I’m working on making my second million dollars

I gave up on the first

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/oinkmoomeow
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2019
🚨︎ report
I'd buy that for a dollar!
πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RevGrizzly
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife told me to go air up my car tires so I got out 75 cents but it turns out its a dollar now

I guess the air compressor market is experiencing a bit of inflation.....

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dumasymptote
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a lizard with a million dollars?

A chamillionaire

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NickWilde992
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2019
🚨︎ report
I paid a dollar and the cashier said I had to pay $1.02.

Let me tell you, I gave THAT lady my two cents!

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2018
🚨︎ report
I’ll show you my tips for a dollar. (Those are some nice tips)
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ithinkhisnameis
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2018
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the new belts they're making out of dollar bills?

Sounds like a waist of money to me.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Petruccijon
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2018
🚨︎ report
I just found out that Microsoft had bought Skype for almost 9 billion dollars.

Idiots... they should have just downloaded it.

πŸ‘︎ 44
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2018
🚨︎ report
You can easily make money by collecting helium and selling it for a dollar per pound.

No weight, that doesn't make any cents...

πŸ‘︎ 55
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dorgray
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2018
🚨︎ report
I spent 100 dollars on Velcro shoes that didn’t fit me

It was a total rip off.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/phrygianhalfcad
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a dollar bill that has been farted on?

Gas money

(credit to my previous co-worker) :)

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ShadowFireDan
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2018
🚨︎ report
What's a hundred dollars' favorite band.

The Jackson 5

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Gringo_Please
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend just told me that he makes thousands of dollars selling dog poop.

I said, β€œThat’s gross.”

He said, β€œNo. That’s net.”

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Her: You’re such a liar! You said you have between 10 and 15 million dollars.

Him: I didn’t lie. I have 25 bucks.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2018
🚨︎ report
I accidentally microwaved a few one dollar bills.

Now there really are some hot singles in my area.

πŸ‘︎ 106
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2018
🚨︎ report
Someone posted a picture of a dollar on a subreddit obout coins.

The post got centsored.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NINJAQKk
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2018
🚨︎ report
Anyone can get a mega dong for about 40 dollars wolframalpha.com/input/?i…
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/teukkam
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2018
🚨︎ report
My friend bet 20 dollars that I would never die.

"Oh,yeah?" I answered, "Well, I'll die even if it's the last thing I do!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/yellow_is_nice
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2019
🚨︎ report

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