Why did the chicken like to shop at the dollar store?
What did the dollar say say to the 4 quarters
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry..
i became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
What is the difference between a dollar note and a penny?
Yesterday I saw a radio on sale for a dollar. The sign said that the volume was stuck on full.
I thought, well, I can’t turn that down.
While at the beach, my wife asked me how we can get a sand dollar.
I told her, "all you need to do is break a sand 5."
If you add a dollar and a pound what do you get?
When is a dollar not a dollar?
What was the dollar bill’s biggest fear?
I once caught a fish with a hundred dollar bill in its mouth.
I know this story may sound a little fishy, some of you may even consider it a whale of a tale, but if you take it in tide I’m sure you’ll sea the porpoise isn’t me just beingkoi or * squidding* around or fishing for attention; it was shrimply an act of cod that I’m hooked on sharing with others. If it reely makes anyone crabby or puts me on thin ice, just let minnow and I’ll gladly clam up. I’d hate to see this sub flounder or take a dive because of my own shellfish ambitions.
A man has to poop and has no toilet paper his friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back with poop on his fingers...." Why is there poop on your fingers"
" it's hard to wipe with 3 quarters 2 dimes and a nickel"
I won a million dollars
I didn't even spend a penny because i had to wake up and pee
A man ordered a glass of water at a fancy restaurant. It cost him 10 dollars. When the waiter delivered it, he asked the waiter why it was so expensive.
The waiter responds “It’s tap quality”
What do you call a belt made out of hundred dollar bills?
This just happened: I explained to my 11 year-old niece that wheat pennies are/were a thing. She didn’t believe me, so she looked it up on grandma’s phone. To our surprise, we learned that there are some people selling wheat pennies online for *thousands* to *TENS* *of* *thousands* of dollars.
To which I said, “That doesn’t make cents.”
Some guy paid me a dollar for 98 cents worth of advice!
My sister bet me a thousand dollars that I could not build a car out of noodles.
You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!
Sting’s studio was broken into, thousands of dollars worth of gear stolen
Now the Police have no leads.
Why are you supposed to round to the nearest dollar on your tax returns?
Because the IRS has no cents.
George Washington predicted that some day in the future, a dollar bill will contain his likeness.
In that sense, he was on the money.
Someone recently told me being $30,000 dollars in credit card debt was a bad thing.
If it is such a bad thing, why does my bank say "outstanding balance" below it?
What do you call a million dollar idea?
My brother has me worried. Any time he drives by a milk farm, he pulls over and leaves a few dollars on the fence.
Doesn’t he know cow tipping is illegal?
How come it used to cost a quarter to pump your tires at the gas station, and now it costs a dollar?
My new business failed miserably, I was selling T-shirts featuring glow in the dark dollar bills
But then my Dad reminded me: money doesn’t glow on tees.
Did you hear about the cow competition worth 1,000,000 dollars?
The higher up you can get your cow the higher the score you get.
The steaks are rising.
The nearby Apple Store just got robbed thousands of dollars worth of MacBooks and iPhones...
...I heard the cops are now looking for iWitnesses
I asked God, “How long is a million years?” He said, “A minute.” I asked God, “How much is a million dollars?” He said, “A penny.” So I asked God for a penny and he said.,,
Did you hear about the Franciscan Friar who inherited 30 million dollars?
If I had a dollar for every gender there was, I'd have eight
Viagra worth thousands of dollars was stolen from the pharmacy yesterday.
They are looking for hardened criminals.
What must a president do to get their face on a dollar bill?
A man gives a dollar and gets 10000 melons. Why?
Because it's one hundred per cent organic.
I asked a midget for a dollar today....
He said "Sorry, I'm a little short"
My bank won’t make change for a dollar
It just doesn’t make any cents
My daughter wanted a bouncy castle for her birthday. The guy said the rental was $50, and the set-up fee was $1000 dollars.
I said, “That’s outrageous!”
He just shrugged and said, “That’s inflation for you.”
Get your 1 dollar notes out
If I had a dollar for everytime I forgot something...
...wait what was I saying?
I won a million dollars playing the lottery and donated a quarter of it to my favorite charity.
What should I do with the remaining $999,999.75?
My girl friend just bought fifty tampons for one dollar...
Found these lost soles outside my local dollar store
I went to the Dollar Tree
"Hey, I bought a Prince CD for just under 20 dollars."
"Lets party like its $19.99!"
My sister bet me a hundred dollars i couldn't build a car out of spaghetti
You should've seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!
I told my buddy I’d be donating to teamtrees but I only had tree dollars
He said he’s still rooting for me though.
Im gonna start making batting cage business that only accepts pennies, dimes,quarters, half dollars, and dollar coins
Gonna call it Nickel-less Cage
Why is Dollar Tree the best place to shop for deer?
Because the males are a buck.
What happens when you slip a chicken a dollar?
I had a silver dollar, but then my dog got a hold of it.
If I had a dollar for every time I've procrastinated...
You know what, I'll tell you later.
My friend is a know it all who likes to be right always. So he has dollar bills embedded in his shoes.
He has to be on the money.
A better joke may be doable. It's left as an exercise for the reader.
A thousand dollars for a new Apple monitor holder?
Now that's grandstanding.
My brother won 5 million dollars on the lottery, then promptly spent it all on a solid gold, jewel-encrusted garbage can.
I have a one step program to fell like a billion dollars.
A man asked me for a dollar. I said I only carried big bills.
He asked me to give him one, so I gave him my electric bill.
If I had a dollar every time I failed a matt test, I'd have $6.39.
What do Canadians call their Dollar Stores?
If you are wise with dollars you'd be rich, what would you be if you were wise with pennies?
I just spent hundreds of dollars online buying expensive ointments for my skin condition.
That was a rash decision.
Has anyone here lost a bundle of twenty dollar bills?
Because we found the rubber band
Went into a Salvation Army store and saw a radio. It was turned up full blast but the volume knob was missing. It only cost 1 dollar.
I said boy I can’t turn this down.
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in...
It’s currently half empty...
Just spent $300 dollars on a limousine and discovered the fee doesn't include a driver......
Cant believe i just spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it.
I wanted a dollar but I only got $0.85
I couldn’t be bothered to nickel-and-dome my dad.
Air for your car tires used to be free, but now it's a dollar or more.
Inflation can really blow.
While walking down the street a man found a hundred dollars on the ground...
While walking down the street a man found a hundred dollars on the ground. Ecstatic, he took the money and walked into a nearby store, thinking he would treat himself. Inside, he purchased a large chocolate cake and started walking home. Suddenly, a crazy old man popped out of an alley next to him and ran straight past him! As he went by, he dropped a mechanical eyeball straight into the middle of the cake. Dazed, the man stopped and stared at the eyeball when it suddenly started to belt out a tune!
Well, obviously the best part of this story was the finding of the 100 dollars - everything else is just eye sing on the cake.
If I broke that dollar into change for you
Loan me 50 dollars
One of the classic Abbott and Costello routines, where Bud Abbott takes advantage of a common math mistake that we all make to fleece his pal, Lou Costello, out of all of his money. The skit ends with a simple ‘read my mind’ routine that takes Lou’s last remaining bill. This routine was done many times, both in the movies and their radio show.
Bud Abbott: Do me a favor, loan me $50.
Lou Costello: Bud, I can’t. I can’t loan you $50.
Bud Abbott: Oh, yes, ya can.
Lou Costello: No, I can’t. All I got is $40.
Bud Abbott: All right, give me the $40 and you’ll owe me 10
Lou Costello: Ok, I’ll owe you 10.
Bud Abbott: That’s right.
Lou Costello: How come I owe you 10?
Bud Abbott: How much did
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How can you get four suits for just one dollar?
If I had a dollar for every time that I finished something,
I went on Deal or No Deal hoping to win a million dollars.
But that turned out to be not the case.
My friend bet me a hundred dollars that I couldn't make a car out of spaghetti.
You should've seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!
In Jamaica a pie costs 3 dollars, and in the Bahamas it costs 5 dollars
These are the pie rates of the Caribbeans...
I saw a guy with a belt made of dollar bills.
I told him it looked like a waist of money.
Why do chickens think they are dollars?
Because they always go buck buck.
Why did the man break a dollar?
I'd buy that for a dollar!
What do you call a gorilla with a million dollars?
I paid a dollar and the cashier said I had to pay $1.02.
Let me tell you, I gave THAT lady my two cents!
Yesterday I was supposed to get 2 dollars and 50 cents after my transaction at the mall but only got 2 dollars
It doesn’t make any cents
I wanted to buy a Nintendo Switch so I gave my dad 200 dollars and ask him to get me a switch
Comes home 2 hours later with 300 light switchs.
I’m working on making my second million dollars
What do you call a lizard with a million dollars?
Son: dad, can I have some change to get a tattoo of a dollar bill on my face?
Dad: that doesn’t break a dollar for me
Son: wait what?
Dad: it doesn’t make any cents
My wife told me to go air up my car tires so I got out 75 cents but it turns out its a dollar now
I guess the air compressor market is experiencing a bit of inflation.....
You can easily make money by collecting helium and selling it for a dollar per pound.
No weight, that doesn't make any cents...
Did you hear about the new belts they're making out of dollar bills?
Sounds like a waist of money to me.