A man has to poop and has no toilet paper his friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back with poop on his fingers...." Why is there poop on your fingers"
" it's hard to wipe with 3 quarters 2 dimes and a nickel"
This just happened: I explained to my 11 year-old niece that wheat pennies are/were a thing. She didn’t believe me, so she looked it up on grandma’s phone. To our surprise, we learned that there are some people selling wheat pennies online for *thousands* to *TENS* *of* *thousands* of dollars.
To which I said, “That doesn’t make cents.”
What do you call a belt made out of hundred dollar bills?
My sister bet me a thousand dollars that I could not build a car out of noodles.
You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!
Sting’s studio was broken into, thousands of dollars worth of gear stolen
Now the Police have no leads.
Some guy paid me a dollar for 98 cents worth of advice!
George Washington predicted that some day in the future, a dollar bill will contain his likeness.
In that sense, he was on the money.
Why are you supposed to round to the nearest dollar on your tax returns?
Because the IRS has no cents.
Someone recently told me being $30,000 dollars in credit card debt was a bad thing.
If it is such a bad thing, why does my bank say "outstanding balance" below it?
What do you call a million dollar idea?
My brother has me worried. Any time he drives by a milk farm, he pulls over and leaves a few dollars on the fence.
Doesn’t he know cow tipping is illegal?
How come it used to cost a quarter to pump your tires at the gas station, and now it costs a dollar?
Did you hear about the cow competition worth 1,000,000 dollars?
The higher up you can get your cow the higher the score you get.
The steaks are rising.
My new business failed miserably, I was selling T-shirts featuring glow in the dark dollar bills
But then my Dad reminded me: money doesn’t glow on tees.
I asked God, “How long is a million years?” He said, “A minute.” I asked God, “How much is a million dollars?” He said, “A penny.” So I asked God for a penny and he said.,,
The nearby Apple Store just got robbed thousands of dollars worth of MacBooks and iPhones...
...I heard the cops are now looking for iWitnesses
Did you hear about the Franciscan Friar who inherited 30 million dollars?
If I had a dollar for every gender there was, I'd have eight
Viagra worth thousands of dollars was stolen from the pharmacy yesterday.
They are looking for hardened criminals.
What must a president do to get their face on a dollar bill?
A man gives a dollar and gets 10000 melons. Why?
Because it's one hundred per cent organic.
My bank won’t make change for a dollar
It just doesn’t make any cents
I asked a midget for a dollar today....
He said "Sorry, I'm a little short"
If I had a dollar for everytime I forgot something...
...wait what was I saying?
My girl friend just bought fifty tampons for one dollar...
Get your 1 dollar notes out
I won a million dollars playing the lottery and donated a quarter of it to my favorite charity.
What should I do with the remaining $999,999.75?
Found these lost soles outside my local dollar store
I went to the Dollar Tree
My daughter wanted a bouncy castle for her birthday. The guy said the rental was $50, and the set-up fee was $1000 dollars.
I said, “That’s outrageous!”
He just shrugged and said, “That’s inflation for you.”
"Hey, I bought a Prince CD for just under 20 dollars."
"Lets party like its $19.99!"
I told my buddy I’d be donating to teamtrees but I only had tree dollars
He said he’s still rooting for me though.
Im gonna start making batting cage business that only accepts pennies, dimes,quarters, half dollars, and dollar coins
Gonna call it Nickel-less Cage
Why is Dollar Tree the best place to shop for deer?
Because the males are a buck.
My sister bet me a hundred dollars i couldn't build a car out of spaghetti
You should've seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!
I have a one step program to fell like a billion dollars.
If I had a dollar for every time I've procrastinated...
You know what, I'll tell you later.
My friend is a know it all who likes to be right always. So he has dollar bills embedded in his shoes.
He has to be on the money.
A better joke may be doable. It's left as an exercise for the reader.
What happens when you slip a chicken a dollar?
A man asked me for a dollar. I said I only carried big bills.
He asked me to give him one, so I gave him my electric bill.
I had a silver dollar, but then my dog got a hold of it.
What do Canadians call their Dollar Stores?
If you are wise with dollars you'd be rich, what would you be if you were wise with pennies?
A thousand dollars for a new Apple monitor holder?
Now that's grandstanding.
Has anyone here lost a bundle of twenty dollar bills?
Because we found the rubber band
If I had a dollar every time I failed a matt test, I'd have $6.39.
I just spent hundreds of dollars online buying expensive ointments for my skin condition.
That was a rash decision.
Air for your car tires used to be free, but now it's a dollar or more.
Inflation can really blow.
Went into a Salvation Army store and saw a radio. It was turned up full blast but the volume knob was missing. It only cost 1 dollar.
I said boy I can’t turn this down.
I wanted a dollar but I only got $0.85
I couldn’t be bothered to nickel-and-dome my dad.
If I broke that dollar into change for you
Loan me 50 dollars
One of the classic Abbott and Costello routines, where Bud Abbott takes advantage of a common math mistake that we all make to fleece his pal, Lou Costello, out of all of his money. The skit ends with a simple ‘read my mind’ routine that takes Lou’s last remaining bill. This routine was done many times, both in the movies and their radio show.
Bud Abbott: Do me a favor, loan me $50.
Lou Costello: Bud, I can’t. I can’t loan you $50.
Bud Abbott: Oh, yes, ya can.
Lou Costello: No, I can’t. All I got is $40.
Bud Abbott: All right, give me the $40 and you’ll owe me 10
Lou Costello: Ok, I’ll owe you 10.
Bud Abbott: That’s right.
Lou Costello: How come I owe you 10?
Bud Abbott: How much did
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While walking down the street a man found a hundred dollars on the ground...
While walking down the street a man found a hundred dollars on the ground. Ecstatic, he took the money and walked into a nearby store, thinking he would treat himself. Inside, he purchased a large chocolate cake and started walking home. Suddenly, a crazy old man popped out of an alley next to him and ran straight past him! As he went by, he dropped a mechanical eyeball straight into the middle of the cake. Dazed, the man stopped and stared at the eyeball when it suddenly started to belt out a tune!
Well, obviously the best part of this story was the finding of the 100 dollars - everything else is just eye sing on the cake.
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in...
It’s currently half empty...
Just spent $300 dollars on a limousine and discovered the fee doesn't include a driver......
Cant believe i just spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it.
99 cent stores are so much better than dollar stores
1% better, if my math is right...
If I had a dollar for every time that I finished something,
How can you get four suits for just one dollar?
I went on Deal or No Deal hoping to win a million dollars.
But that turned out to be not the case.
My friend bet me a hundred dollars that I couldn't make a car out of spaghetti.
You should've seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!
I saw a guy with a belt made of dollar bills.
I told him it looked like a waist of money.
In Jamaica a pie costs 3 dollars, and in the Bahamas it costs 5 dollars
These are the pie rates of the Caribbeans...
Why do chickens think they are dollars?
Because they always go buck buck.
What do you call a gorilla with a million dollars?
Why did the man break a dollar?
Yesterday I was supposed to get 2 dollars and 50 cents after my transaction at the mall but only got 2 dollars
It doesn’t make any cents
I wanted to buy a Nintendo Switch so I gave my dad 200 dollars and ask him to get me a switch
Comes home 2 hours later with 300 light switchs.
Son: dad, can I have some change to get a tattoo of a dollar bill on my face?
Dad: that doesn’t break a dollar for me
Son: wait what?
Dad: it doesn’t make any cents
I’m working on making my second million dollars
I'd buy that for a dollar!
My wife told me to go air up my car tires so I got out 75 cents but it turns out its a dollar now
I guess the air compressor market is experiencing a bit of inflation.....
What do you call a lizard with a million dollars?
I paid a dollar and the cashier said I had to pay $1.02.
Let me tell you, I gave THAT lady my two cents!
I’ll show you my tips for a dollar. (Those are some nice tips)
Did you hear about the new belts they're making out of dollar bills?
Sounds like a waist of money to me.
I just found out that Microsoft had bought Skype for almost 9 billion dollars.
Idiots... they should have just downloaded it.
You can easily make money by collecting helium and selling it for a dollar per pound.
No weight, that doesn't make any cents...
I spent 100 dollars on Velcro shoes that didn’t fit me
What do you call a dollar bill that has been farted on?
(credit to my previous co-worker) :)
What's a hundred dollars' favorite band.
My friend just told me that he makes thousands of dollars selling dog poop.
I said, “That’s gross.”
He said, “No. That’s net.”
Her: You’re such a liar! You said you have between 10 and 15 million dollars.
Him: I didn’t lie. I have 25 bucks.
I accidentally microwaved a few one dollar bills.
Now there really are some hot singles in my area.
Someone posted a picture of a dollar on a subreddit obout coins.
My friend bet 20 dollars that I would never die.
"Oh,yeah?" I answered, "Well, I'll die even if it's the last thing I do!"