Card Pun

The day was raining like fish blown up by dynamite. The only jacket I had for the situation was fire Red with layered protection from such fish. I'm going to my college computer lab, trying to get my 24 hours of time in there done. It requires you to sign in with your student ID.

"May I see you card?" the teacher asks.

"Sure... So, how much time do I have allotted?" I asked after she signed me in.

"Huh? Oh, wait, sorry, can I see your card again? "

"Wait, I don't own a Cardigan"

Being an English teacher, she smiled and caught it quickly, "No, your card, but your jacket might suffice otherwise."

Edit: This might be too much setup for a stiff joke.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dragonmind
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2015
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What's everyone been using to scrape ice off their cars? I have been using a discount card.

Only been getting 25% off.

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hirsty19784
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
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My poker cards yesterday were so shitty

Straight flush

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyjarvis
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
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The only gift I got for Christmas was a deck of sticky playing cards.

I’m having a hard time dealing with this.

πŸ‘︎ 85
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
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I went to the rock-wall place but my debit card was declined, so I had to pay with the coins in my car’s center console.

It was my climb-it change.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CarterLawler
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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Painted a Christmas card for a friend who hates puns....
πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/elko
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
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Two women were sharing the same ID card

Sharon is Karen

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MomsSpoghetti
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
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Just opened a Christmas card and rice fell out.

Must be from my Uncle Ben.

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pengu_62
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
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How does a pirate clean cards?

He swabs the deck

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gameboy90
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
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As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,

β€œYou know, one would have been enough.”

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MattTheFirst
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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Cashier: Sir can I have your card again?

Me: its a sweater and no you can't have it.

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/donkey_Dealer08
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
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Oh My Gourd! I Made These Gift Card Holders!
πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MosswoodMama
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
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When can card games break the laws of thermodynamics?

When it's Solid-air

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wholesome_cream
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
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Dad joke christmas card? βœ”οΈ
πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mythologization
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
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I ordered some stuff online yesterday and I used my Donor Card instead of my Debit Card.

Cost me an arm and a leg.

πŸ‘︎ 67
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
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I really like that actress in β€œHouse of Cards,” β€œManhattan” and β€œThe Marvelous Mrs. Maisel.”

I’m a Rachel Brosnafan.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/backalleywillie
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
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I was really moved when I realized my mother let me win at cards.

It meant a great deal to me.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Taco_Pie
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
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Pokemon cards? Yeah i've got a small collection.
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BedHeadBread
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2020
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2020 Puns for this years Holiday cards

So I am trying to think of something to put on our family’s Christmas card. The only thing I can think of is β€œhindsight is 2020”.

I am however 100% sure you amazing people can come up with something much better for this dumpster fire of a year.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shosh27
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
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Which card in a deck can fix your dog?

The King of Spade.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Funny-Promise956
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
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Why did the fish have a bad report card?

because his teacher was crappe

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/buddistnuddist
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
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Made a math pun birthday card for my wife! reddit.com/gallery/jd0rsm
πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZorkianGrue
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
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A man bursts into his therapist's office and says, "Doc, you gotta help me. I keep dreaming I'm stuck inside a deck of cards!"

The therapist looked up from his paperwork and said, "I'm busy now. I'll deal with you later."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
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When Shaquille O’Neal gives you a birthday card, he always signs it with a reference to his favorite 80’s song.

Love Shaq

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JiminyKirket
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
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My wifes bank card was stolen 3 days ago.

So far they have spent less than her everyday, so I'm not saying anything.

πŸ‘︎ 80
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrBrianWeldon
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2020
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I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper

And now I'm paying for it.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lod254
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
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If horses would play cards, what kind of games would they play?

5-card stud or stirrup poker?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
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Card memory
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πŸ‘€︎ u/donncadh
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
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How does a deck of cards get around?

It shuffles.

(a true dad joke, from my 9-year old)

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/asiers
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
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In the store I saw some brightly coloured greeting cards that said, "I will always love only you "

They sold them in packs of 12.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
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Why is hot Mexican food like a credit card?

You pay for it the next day.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zenpod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
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Friend: ...my wife is uncomfortable with them because they’ve joined the church of Satan. Like, he showed me his membership card. They’re paid members, man.

Me: well; someone has to pay the devil’s dues

Friend: damn it.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jubaliya
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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Why couldn't the sailor play cards?

The captain was standing on the deck!

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlankXCIV
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2020
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A big zero birthday for my wife this year. I made her this card.
πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cwwspurs
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
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The card game

A few years ago, was playing a card game with my frisbee team. We were competing in a frisbee tournament for spring break, and we had discs lying all around the Airbnb we were sleeping in. After playing the first few hands, I realized I didn't know what to do with my old cards.

I asked my teammate where I should put my used up cards. They pointed to some cards lying in a frisbee.

It was a disc card, discard pile.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Phaesporic
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
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Wife: Can I have the card again?

Me: You know I don’t own any sweaters.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Surch22
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
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Why could the actor never read their lines from cue cards?

Because they kept trying to read between the lines

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NoMoreTerritory
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
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I got locked in a room with a deck of cards.

I was in solitaire confinement.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
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I wrote a card for my friend who just graduated high school and wants to study geology and/or paleontology in college. She also likes puns :)
πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Neutrinoccino
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
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What kind of nuts only accept credit card payments?

Cashews

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/soloazn
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2020
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Idk man I don't play cards
πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rn_patil
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
🚨︎ report
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,

β€œYou know, one would have been enough.”

πŸ‘︎ 906
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sunken-ship-daddy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
All I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.

I’m having a hard time dealing with this.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
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As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he broke down into tears.

He turned towards me and said, "One would've been enough, son."

πŸ‘︎ 932
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_joshi_
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2020
🚨︎ report
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.

I’m finding it hard to deal with this.

πŸ‘︎ 157
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2020
🚨︎ report
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said:

Y’know, one would have been enough.

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/meditate_medicate
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
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