Warning: Do not buy tickets for the Eskimo lottery - they will sell you the ticket but they only pay out to native Eskimos.
You've got to be Inuit to win it
Wife: Suppose you hit a jackpot of a Million dollars in a lottery and the same day, someone kidnaps me and demands ransom of a million , what will you do?
Husband: I doubt if I can hit two jackpots in one day.
My wife laughed, "The lottery is a tax on fools who can't do math!" I shrugged and said, "You never know! Anybody can win the lottery." Folding her arms, she asked, "Do you even know the chances of a person winning the lottery?" I shot back, "Yes!! 100%!!"
I won $6million in the lottery and have decided to donate a quarter of it to charity....
I now have $5.999,999,75c left.
I wrote an essay in highschool about lottery winners who ended up losing. Apparently I thought this was way funnier than it is.
Why wasn't helium surprised or shocked when it won the lottery?
Because it's not a very good reactor
I won a $1million in the lottery last night and have decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.
I now have 999.999.75 left.
Spend your last dollar on a $0.98 lottery ticket and see what you end up with.
That's just my two cents.
Husband: Honey! Pack your bags, I just won the lottery...
Wife: That’s wonderful, honey! Where are we going?
Husband: “We’re” not going anywhere.
My friend gave me a losing lottery ticket
When my friend won the lottery he was alarmed out how many relatives started contacting him...
A cow wins the lottery...
Needles to say he was over the mooooon
God finally answered my prayer for winning the $10 million lottery.
I won the lottery and squandered most of it on buying 17th century artwork and musical instruments.
I won a million dollars playing the lottery and donated a quarter of it to my favorite charity.
What should I do with the remaining $999,999.75?
Did you hear about the builder who won the lottery? He was so shocked that he fainted and fell into a vat of concrete...
Apparently he's set for life!
One day a man bought a lottery ticket...
To his surprise, when he scratched it off he had won a million dollars. The man picked up his phone right away to call his wife.
Man: “Honey, I won the lottery! Pack your bags!”
Wife: “That’s amazing! I’m so excited where are we going?!”
Man: “I don’t know where you’re going, but be out by 5!”
A man asked his wife "What would you do if I won the Lottery?"
She replied "I'd take half and leave you."
"Great!", "I won $12, here's $6...Stay in touch......"
My brother won 5 million dollars on the lottery, then promptly spent it all on a solid gold, jewel-encrusted garbage can.
This week’s winning lottery numbers are 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9.
I mean, what are the odds?
What do you call a psychic that wins the lottery?
Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery
But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!
My friend recently got t-boned in his new car after winning the lottery. I asked him if he was a glass half full or glass half empty type of guy. He responded
Medium-well.
Edit: over-medium is for eggs
What did the piss covered safe say to the man who won the lottery?
What do you call a lottery in the safari?
A Gir-raffle!
I’m not officially a dad till Oct 27 but I am one in the making!
What do they call you if you win the lottery in Rio de Janeiro?
Did you hear about the baker who won the lottery but kept on working?
I won the lottery and spent all my winnings on 17th century paintings and classical instruments
Wanna know how my bald Sheep won the lottery?
My son said he would pay off his student debt if he won the lottery.
I wonder what he'd do with the remaining £5.
Told my son if I win the lottery I'd give him half.
I won £50. I'm not sure if I should give him the £5 or £0.
My dad told me he's fat because he once won a Brittish lottery...
... he gained a lot of pounds.
I was talking to my dad about the Lottery...
Me: "Did you see the lottery hit 1.3 billion?"
Dad: "Yeah, thats a loto money."
My dad's plans if he ever wins the lottery.
"If I had millions of dollars, I would buy a new butt because mine has a hole in it."
Dad wins lottery, hilariously prolongs telling his kids. (video)
Edited so you don't have to wait as long as these poor guys did.
You'll probably want to turn on the subtitles.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QHKGlQ0AyJs
Son asked if we won the lottery
My wife and I were in the kitchen and my son knew we had bought a lottery ticket and asked if we had won. I said "Yeah, we won millions of dollars and forgot to mention it" my wife said "No, we didn't win a thing, not even a dollar." Hearing two different answers he had to think for a bit then said "Ok, I get it. Mom was being serious and Dad was being Dad."
My dad everytime he buys a lottery ticket.
My dad: "May I get 1 lottery ticket?"
Cashier: "what kind?"
My dad: "the winning one!"
Every. Time.
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