I told the cop, β€œYou can’t give me a ticket. I’m running a marathon tomorrow.”

The cop said, β€œSir, that’s not how you play the race card.”

πŸ‘︎ 201
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
🚨︎ report
The prosecutor offered the ballet dancer two choices after she did not pay her mountain of parking tickets. A) Say guilty, pay them off, and get probation for 6 months or B) Say Not Guilty and go to trial and perhaps serve 6 months in jail.

She took plea A.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day.

Push him out of the plane at 30,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the air conditioner didn't buy tickets to the Metallica concert?

Because it isn't a fan

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/talknoller
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Last weekend I had tickets to go see Timmy, the Yodeling Shetland Pony.

Unfortunately, Timmy has to cancel. He was a little hoarse.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tsuggitt
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I got a parking ticket for being parked illegally the other day and I’ve no idea why. I mean...

The sign clearly said, β€œFine for parking”.

πŸ‘︎ 45
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the cow get a ticket?

Because of a mooing violation.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/emjay144
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I was pulled over with my son in the car for speeding. Got a ticket. Then the officer said I’m free to go.

I replied β€œactually it cost me about $80”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bridgeheadprod
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Dammit! I know I have that one half of the ticket which shows I paid!

Sorry, wrong stub.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
🚨︎ report
This is (practically) the corniest gift imaginable. At the bottom of the soon to be gift wrapped box of corniness was a pair of Korn tickets for my lady...who enjoys my corny puns.
πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr-JasonTe
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the noodle get a driving ticket?

It drove pasta stop sign

πŸ‘︎ 226
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlankPhotos
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2019
🚨︎ report
What station did the dog buy a ticket for?

Barking.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/A_Scribbler
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the guy selling fake Wimbledon tickets?

It was a tennis racket

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chris_m_h
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2020
🚨︎ report
If Tom Cruise and Terry Crews sold tickets for a meet and greet on a Ship headed for Mexico, they'd advertise the Cruise-Crews Cruise to Veracruz.
πŸ‘︎ 337
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_Tamassran_
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2018
🚨︎ report
I bought a movie ticket sitting on the toilet this morning.

I was waiting for IT, number 2.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CSwork1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2019
🚨︎ report
What animal would get the most J-walking tickets?

A chicken, they are always crossing the road for something.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ashtehstampede
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2019
🚨︎ report
This man on a shower posts about the people who lost the tickets in the titanic
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Oshawottgamer49
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Hey dad, there's an unpaid parking ticket next to you on the front seat

Dad: "Fine by me"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RCRadioCarbon
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2019
🚨︎ report
The cop teared up a little as she wrote out my ticket.

I guess it was a moving violation.

πŸ‘︎ 65
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2019
🚨︎ report
So I bought tickets to the new football game but my wife is expecting to give birth that evening is anyone interested in being at the birth?
πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Friend: My mouth burned the whole time cause my dad made me eat this hot pepper in exchange for the show ticket. Wasn’t even a good show.

Me: You just really ate to see it

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThunderZ__
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2018
🚨︎ report
Why did the Muslim get a speeding ticket during Ramadan?

He was going to fast

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Cmon_Just_The_Tip
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2015
🚨︎ report
Why did the dog get a ticket?

He ran a gray light

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/squireshackleford
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
🚨︎ report
I bought a raffle ticket for a local fundraiser and won the Early Bird Prize.

It was a worm.

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/big_macaroons
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2018
🚨︎ report
There was a train officer with an insulin pump handing out tickets at the speed of light.

He was a type 2 superconductor

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dr_cheggman
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2019
🚨︎ report
I got the tickets to a talk show, organised by a group of robbers, at a heavy discount

It was a ConSession.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dadNigga
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Some people see the Donald Trump / Mike Pence ticket as a punishment for America's sins

They say it's our comeTrumpPence.

πŸ‘︎ 66
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cyborg_Nate
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2016
🚨︎ report
At the movies, me: Two tickets please!

Cashier: Sure. For the Hobbit?

Me: How dare you, sir! That’s my date!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2018
🚨︎ report
β€œDad, will you pay for my ticket to the renaissance festival?”

β€œSorry, son. I’m baroque”

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nonficshawn
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2018
🚨︎ report
My dad just walked into the living room and said β€œI went to buy tickets for Star Wars but all they had were Solo seats”.
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kwerdop
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2018
🚨︎ report
I got tickets to go see BeyoncΓ© the other day

Really excited so called my mate to tell him.

"I didn't think you like that sort of music, but whatever floats your boat I guess", he commented

I replied: "no mate, that's BUOYANCY"!

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wkm86
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2017
🚨︎ report
My fondest memories are of all the round trip plane tickets I bought.

Really takes me back.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MelkorHimself
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2018
🚨︎ report
Why did the cop let the dry cleaner go without a speeding ticket?

He understood he had pressing matters.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Donjaymanly
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2018
🚨︎ report
The guy driving Elon Musk’s Roadster already got a ticket.

Officer said he couldn’t park in this Space.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bayarea168
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2018
🚨︎ report
No matter how high the prices of airline tickets get

you have to admit they're just plain fair.

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ottodidakt
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2017
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the guy who told the Judge he couldn't pay the parking ticket because his arms had be recently been crushed?

The Judge understood because there were more pressing matters at hand.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HidaRotler
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2018
🚨︎ report
Why did the propane truck driver get a speeding ticket?

He was hauling gas.

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/itsonlyinternet
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2017
🚨︎ report
I got a parking ticket for being parked illegally the other day and I’ve no idea why...

The sign clearly said, β€œFine for parking."

πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2017
🚨︎ report
I got a parking ticket for being parked illegally the other day and I’ve no idea why...

The sign clearly said, β€œFine for parking."

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I got a parking ticket for being parked illegally the other day and I’ve no idea why...

The sign clearly said, β€œFine for parking."

πŸ‘︎ 106
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2018
🚨︎ report
I got a parking ticket for being parked illegally the other day and I’ve no idea why.

The sign clearly said, β€œFine for parking."

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the noodle get a ticket?

He rolled pasta stop sign.

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OleDetour
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2017
🚨︎ report
Last weekend I had concert tickets to go see Timmy, the Yodeling Shetland Pony.

Unfortunately Timmy had to cancel. He was a little hoarse.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tsuggitt
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2018
🚨︎ report
Last weekend I had tickets to go see Timmy the yodeling Shetland pony.

Unfortunately, Timmy had to cancel. He was a little hoarse.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tsuggitt
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2018
🚨︎ report

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