I sang the rainbow song to a cop yesterday.

They arrested me for colorful language.

πŸ‘︎ 43
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MajicMan101
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the mischievous green onion that sang hip hop?

He was a real rapscallion.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TrefoilHat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
🚨︎ report
A lot of people think that Avril, who sang songs like "Complicated", is dead.

This is untrue, she is actually still Lavigne.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MrFillywonk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to karaoke last night. I sang Danger Zone five times, but they wouldn’t let me do it for a sixth time.

They said I had to many Loggins attempts.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2019
🚨︎ report
I drank something at a bar and sang polka parodies for a good 15 minutes

That was some weird al cohol

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CoruscareGames
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Auld Lang Sang
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DJLoughlin
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2018
🚨︎ report
So you're telling me like the verb ring has second form rang and sing has sang, the verb think also works the same way? Well, no thanks.
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/devmittal_civ16
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2019
🚨︎ report
An Auld Lang Sang
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DJLoughlin
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2018
🚨︎ report
The fairy-tale shoemaker was tired of working for the President. He sang:

Obama's elf

Don't wanna be

Obama's elf

Anymooooooooooooooooooooooore!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheAnagramancer
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2018
🚨︎ report
A friend said her power went out. I sang, "no no power rangers..."
πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/edder24
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2018
🚨︎ report
What's the name of the sister of that famous female gunslinger who sang in bars?

Carrie Oakley

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jengi
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2016
🚨︎ report
I sang "Lola" at karaoke and was boo'd off stage

This Kink-shaming has to stop.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Pixelmorph
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2016
🚨︎ report
Foo Fighters and Rick Astley recently sang together.

the audience got rick grohled.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2017
🚨︎ report
All these years it was thought that Yoda only had one name. His family name is....

Ley-dihu!

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sjdiver2001
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
"Old McDonald had a farm...."

Sang the happy repossession man.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
β™«SOAPβ™«SOAPβ™«SOAPβ™«SOAPβ™«SOAPβ™«SOAPβ™«SOAPβ™«SOAPβ™«

I just sang about eight bars.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/slowshot
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2020
🚨︎ report
He'll be gone in a day or two.
πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Herminio_Meza
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2019
🚨︎ report
β€œDad, whose music did you listen to when growing up?”

Dad: Led Zeppelin.

Son: Who?

Dad: Yes. They were good too.

πŸ‘︎ 626
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2019
🚨︎ report
If you see transformers flying around, not only do you see robots in disguise, you see...

robots in da skies.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jaylock77
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Sam didn't want to sing. But......

Samsung

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SonEf_Adam
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2020
🚨︎ report
I just got kicked out of karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row...

They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts...

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2017
🚨︎ report
My wife said we were having Asian Meatloaf for dinner

I said, "who's that? Was that the guy who sang Bat out Hanoi?"

She was so disappointed.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mopageboy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I was hooked on auctions after only going once...

...going twice…

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2017
🚨︎ report
Went for the long con with my wife

I had a little mishap with a pruning saw in the yard and asked my wife to patch my finger up. She's a nurse, so I figured she'd dress my wound better than I could. She started off with cleaning up the cut with a betadine swab.
Wife: "This might sting a little bit."
Me: Yup. Yup that stings.
Wife: Sing a song. It'll take your mind off of it.
Me: "Roooooxanne, you don't have to put on the red light, Those days are over you don't have to sell your body to the night..."
Wife: sideways look
Me: "Roooooxanne, you don't have to wear that dress tonight, Walk the streets for money you don't care if it's wrong or if it's right..."
Wife: sideways look
Me: "You know who sings that, right?"
Wife: "Yeah, the Police."
Me: "Who and the Police?"
Wife: "Sting?"
Me: "Yes it does."

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/capomatt
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2016
🚨︎ report
I remember the day the candle store burned down.

Everyone stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2020
🚨︎ report
When you're just swimming by, and an eel bites your thigh, that's

a moray.

(I sang this to my kids when they were young.)

(They're in their 20s now, which I consider young.)

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/startrektoheck
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Pearl Harbor of puns

If your onion sang hip-hop, would that be a rapscallion?

I used to be an astronaut, but I got tired of eating out of satellite dishes. I wasn't allowed to eat the Milky Way, even though I had to look at it every day. The worst thing was, I never got to visit The Space Bar. Then, when I was visiting the dark side of the moon, I was bitten by a parasite. Now, you might think it's crazy, but the doctor who removed it called it a lunar-tick.

If "womb" is pronounced "woom" and "tomb" is pronounced "toom", shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced "boom"?

China recently tested a new steroid. It basically turns you into The Hulk. The side effect is it could turn you into a crazed zombie that tends to rip the upper extremities from people. People are saying that this could be the zombie apocalypse. In my opinion, lips have nothing to do with it. I call it ARMageddon. The only way to stay safe now is to not let anyone close enough to disarm you.

I recently was going to join the railroad union. I decided against it because it's complicated. If I received instruction on driving the locomotive, would they call it engineering, or training?

I got a sad story about a flower. I don't know who the heck she pissed off, but damn, now she's a Black-Eyed Susan.

I finally figured out what makes leaves angry. Fall. They get so mad they change color. Some are yellow. They're just afraid and run from their problems. The other ones usually just leave.

I went parachuting with my military buddies once. We landed on a department store. I told him I think we're at the wrong coordinates. He said: "Nope. We're right on Target"

I asked a psychologist if Native Americans have strong emotions. He said "Oh yeah, they're intense".

If a psychotic person thought something made sense, would that thought be psychological?

If Matt Damon were searching for a secondhand store, would he be Goodwill Hunting?

My friend is a Marksman for the military. One day, he went to the armory and asked for 3 snipers. They gave him a candy bar. It was a 3 Musketeers.

I want to be there if Dwayne Johnson ever uses a pizza stone. That way I can smell what "The Rock" is cookin'.

Christopher bought a lemon, and the car broke down. Now Christopher Walken.

Have you heard about the latest bank battle on Wall Street? Capital One and Chase got in a fight and Capital One.

You know what a pirate says to his wenches when he sees the shoreline? "LAND HO!"

A man finds a lamp in the desert and dusts it off. Poof! A genie p

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PraetorSolaris
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Why was the Welsh Mafia stopped so easily?

As soon as they were put into a lineup, everyone sang.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rossum81
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife suddenly looked at me and asked, β€œHow would you describe me, honey?” I said, β€œThat's easy, ABCDEFGHIJK.”

Frowning, she questioned, β€œWhat the heck does that even mean!?”

I continued, β€œAdorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot!”

Blushing, she chuckled, β€œAw, thank you, but what about IJK?”

I sang out, β€œI’m just kidding!”

πŸ‘︎ 58
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2018
🚨︎ report
I convinced my wife to go to the Xmas party as Sherlock and Watson...

She didn't think it was very Christmassy until I sang that "I'll be Holmes for Christmas..."

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wmcduff
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2018
🚨︎ report
An African lady named Betty walked into a butcher's shop and asked if they sold any chicken.

The man behind the counter sang "NOO Black Betty, ham or lamb"

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LordJimsicle
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2017
🚨︎ report
I'm a karaoke host. Last night I had a singer named, Alexa.

She signed up to sing The Killers. Right before she sang, I said, "Alexa, play The Killers."

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/antireactive
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2017
🚨︎ report
My granddaughter is learning DadJokes

My son just went to a new barber. He asked for one inch to be left...the barber cut it to 1/4 inch. So he comes home, looking almost bald. His wife just started laughing when she saw it. His 8 year old did a perfect dad joke. She walked over, rubbed her hands on dad's head and sang, like Elsa... "Let it grow, let it grow!...."

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/duelingdogs
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2018
🚨︎ report
I asked the barber to cut my hair like elvis

He swung his hips, sang hound dog, and shaved it all off

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/eltegs
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2017
🚨︎ report
Someone crossed a line

So I live in a town called Knightstown that is currently in a state of rage over a man who wants to sue the town for having a cross atop the town Christmas tree which is on public property. It has since been removed. Anyway, to retaliate, many citizens of the town gathered and sang Christmas carols outside of his home.

I am choosing to call this group of people the Mormon TaberNaCl Choir, because that is one very salty group of singers.

Edit: Added a word

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sans_Seraphim
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2016
🚨︎ report
dad songs

So I just sang my wife the chorus from boots are made for walking but I changed it a little. It goes like this: β™ͺThose hips are made for birthin', and that's just what they'll do. One of these days next week they'll push a baby out of you!β™ͺ

She wasn't very excited. Talk about a tough critic...

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tuckereh
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2016
🚨︎ report
While singing a long Song today i realized

that I wasn't only singing along but I also sang a long.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nilslorand
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2017
🚨︎ report
Dadjoked my girlfriend this morning

Me: "What would happen if that girl who sang 'Royals' found a TARDIS?"

Her: "Uh?"

Me: "She'd be a Time Lorde"

Cue exasperated sighs

πŸ‘︎ 52
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cardinals5
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2013
🚨︎ report
A friend and I were sitting outside

And our neighbor, who was unloading his van, asked if he could borrow us for a bit to help out. My friend said sure. I looked at her and sang "I think we're a loan now..."

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2017
🚨︎ report
This wasn't even intentional

Me and my friends are sitting around the TV and listening listening to you get what you give by the Maine.

My one friend points to me and my other buddy, jim, and asks "didn't U2 do a cover of this?"

To which I reply "no I've never sang with Jim"

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2016
🚨︎ report
The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
  • If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
  • Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
  • Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
  • American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
  • The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
  • Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
  • Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
  • Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
  • Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
  • Rittal me this, Batman!
  • Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
  • Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
  • If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
  • When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
  • You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
  • Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
  • Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
  • Don't think Seton is
... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
🚨︎ report
I had booked a U2 for my wife's birthday party... (x-post /r/jokes)

Unfortunately they had to cancel. Luckily I found a replacement at the last minute. This new guy was amazing. He looked the part, sang all the songs exactly, and even his mannerisms were spot on.

After the party I went up to the replacement and asked how much I owed him for the gig. He said, "Don't worry mate, I'm pro Bono."

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jskoker
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2017
🚨︎ report
Dadjokes on his birthday

He answered the phone on his birthday and it was my aunt, uncle, and cousins. They sang happy birthday to him. Near the end of the song, he hands me the phone and tells me to say, "hold on, I'll go get my Dad."

They sang again.

πŸ‘︎ 77
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/switz213
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2014
🚨︎ report
My Dad, driving back from my brother's birthday dinner

One Direction's 'Story of My Life' came on the radio. My mother asked who sang this song, and was surprised to find out it was One Direction. My brother and I commented that it didn't really sound like their other songs, and my Dad chimes in, "So I guess they went another direction."

πŸ‘︎ 49
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ticklebiscuit
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2014
🚨︎ report
I was driving my dad to work this morning.

During our trip, U2's "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" played on the radio.

When Bono sang that line in the first chorus, my dad replied, "Really, Bono? You've been looking for like 20 years now!"

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyei8hts
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2013
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.