I was punned by my own brain
πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Queen-of-meme
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I was researching about Atheism

Turns out it's a non-prophet organization

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chill-turtle
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
🚨︎ report
From my 7yr old daughter: Why was the pig covered in ink?

Because he lived in a pen!

So very proud!

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/soaraf
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
🚨︎ report
I was very proud of myself :3
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Loki12241224
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2021
🚨︎ report
Went to GameStop to use the bathroom, but it was out of order...

I guess I have to keep holding it.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife gave me an ultimatum. It was either her or my addiction to sweets.

The decision was a piece of cake.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordCinko
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
🚨︎ report
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...

... and as you can see, they were Wright

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordCinko
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
🚨︎ report
While at a restaurant, the waitress was totally flirting with me with my wife present. After she walked away, my wife said β€œShe obviously has COVID!” β€œWhy would you think that?” I asked.

β€œBecause she has no taste.”

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
I didn't want to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker

But when I got home all the signs were there

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/piemamamer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
When my wife found me playing with my son’s train set, I was so embarrassed that I threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
🚨︎ report
I was on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies...

Is this a trick question?

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
🚨︎ report
The genie asked, "What’s your first wish?" Steve replied, "I wish I was rich!" The genie nodded and said, "What’s your second wish?"

Rich exclaimed, "I want lots of money!"

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Within minutes, the detectives figured out what the murder weapon was.

It was a brief case.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
🚨︎ report
I have a friend who tried to take a selfie in the shower, but the image was too blurry.

He has selfie steam issues.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/korabdrg
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
🚨︎ report
A man who had just died was delivered to the mortuary wearing a beautiful black suit.

The mortician asked the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out the man looks good in the black suit he’s already wearing. The widow however said she thought her husband always looked his best in blue, and she would really like him in a blue suit. She then hands the mortician a blank cheque and says β€œI don’t care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.” The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. Remarkably, the suit fit him perfectly. She says to the mortician, β€œwhatever this costs I’m very satisfied, you did an excellent job and I’m incredibly grateful. How much did you spend?” To her astonishment the mortician presents her with her blank cheque, and he says β€œthere’s no charge.” Shocked she replies β€œno really, I feel like i must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.” β€œHonestly ma’am”, the mortician says, β€œit costs nothing, you see a diseased gentleman about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an attractive blue suit. So I asked his wife if she minded if her husband went to the grave wearing black. She had said it made no difference so long as he looked nice. So from that point on it was really just a matter of switching the heads.”

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaladinDanza
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
My date was supposed meet me at the gym but they didn't show up.

That's when I knew we weren't going to work out.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bryanBr
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
🚨︎ report
I told my doctor I thought my arm was broken, in several places.

He said "Well, you should probably avoid those places in the future."

πŸ‘︎ 211
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kdlaz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife was telling me I am of average intelligence.

Now that’s just mean.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ballsquancher
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report
The police just showed up at my house and arrested my bottle of water. They said he was wanted in 3 states...

Solid, liquid and gas

πŸ‘︎ 397
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brundonius
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
🚨︎ report
Why was 4 afraid to ask out 5?

Because he was 2 squared.

πŸ‘︎ 879
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YeezyClaps
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report
Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...

...an ether/oar situation...

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I saw a rock that was 5280 feet long

It was quite the milestone

πŸ‘︎ 222
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kaoskrim
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
🚨︎ report
I was figuring out what career path I should take.

Geology rocks, geography is where it’s at. But ultimately, making mirrors is what I really see myself doing.

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ggfchl
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2021
🚨︎ report
We all know that Albert Einstein was a genius...

But very few people know his brother Frank was a monster.

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
🚨︎ report
When I was younger, I felt like a man, trapped inside a woman body.

Then, I was born.

πŸ‘︎ 214
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2021
🚨︎ report
This year's Fibonacci Convention was a great success.

It was as big as the last two combined!

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pdb12345
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
From r/askreddit's thread "If your sex life was a country, what country would it be and why?"
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/acerthorn
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
What was Old MacDonald's favorite toy as a child?

G. I. - G. I. Joe.

πŸ‘︎ 332
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πŸ‘€︎ u/logansworth
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
🚨︎ report
My printer was making music so I checked it out.

The paper was jamming.

πŸ‘︎ 161
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StrokeMyAxe
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2021
🚨︎ report
I just learned Albert Einstein was a real person.

All this time i thought he was a theoretical physicist.

πŸ‘︎ 136
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nebac
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
🚨︎ report
My favourite teacher at school was Mrs Turtle...

Strange name, but she tortoise well .

πŸ‘︎ 78
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
🚨︎ report
The Death was Shocking to be honest
πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Other-Dog4673
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife asked for a divorce today, saying I was too un-American.

I saw it coming from a kilometer away.

πŸ‘︎ 15k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Everyone was excited at the Autopsy club.

It was open Mike night.

πŸ‘︎ 113
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anytime200
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
🚨︎ report
Sadly, Aquaman was never able to finish college.

All his grades were below C level.

πŸ‘︎ 81
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr_Woodsie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2021
🚨︎ report
I was taught to never use the Oxford comma

by Mrs. Henderson, my high school English teacher and a first-rate whore.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
🚨︎ report
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.

So I have an uncle, once removed.

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I dreamt last night I was swimming in an ocean full of orange soda. Then I woke up..

..and realized it was just a Fanta sea.

πŸ‘︎ 127
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2021
🚨︎ report
I told my boss, β€œSorry I’m late. I was having computer issues.”

Boss: Hard drive?

Me: No, the commute was fine. It’s my laptop.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was the pancake arrested?

Un-waffle activity

πŸ‘︎ 71
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2021
🚨︎ report
Why was six afraid of seven?

Because seven was a registered six offender.

πŸ‘︎ 183
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ferventlycavalier
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report
A chemist froze himself at -273.15Β°C. Everyone said he was crazy, but he was 0K.
πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/M_Arslan_Tahir
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
🚨︎ report
I was going to tell you a time traveling joke

But you didn't like it

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Trtlman
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
🚨︎ report
When I was a kid I thought we’d all grow up to work with horses

All people ever talked about was getting a stable job...

πŸ‘︎ 349
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_bradley
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
🚨︎ report
I was placed under arrest for downloading the whole Wikipedia website

I told the officer "Wait! I can explain everything!!"

πŸ‘︎ 74
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πŸ‘€︎ u/manuel_f_p
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
🚨︎ report
I was watching a robbery at the Apple Store today

I became an iWitness.

πŸ‘︎ 78
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FlamingNinja925
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
🚨︎ report
When I was a kid, I accidentally caught my parents having SEX

These were the most awkward 40 minutes of my life

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sterovebertz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2021
🚨︎ report
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.

He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2021
🚨︎ report
I was researching about Atheism

Turns out its a non-prophet organization

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Nederpower
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2021
🚨︎ report

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