I said to my kids, "Never let anyone tell you what you can and can't do! Take Beethoven for example. They told him he could not be a musician because he was deaf!"
My wife was upset that I did not buy her flowers !!!!
Goddamnit !!! She never told me she sold flowers !!!
My wife rang me at the pub and said, “If you’re not home in 10 minutes, I’m giving the dinner I cooked you to the dog.” I was home in 5 minutes.
I’d hate for anything to happen to the dog.
I was asked by a friend how they can tell if a joke is a dad joke or not
I replied when it becomes apparent
Thought this pun was original. It is not.
Why was the lamp not heavy?
Played a game with friends...was not disappointed!
It turns out the capitol rioter did NOT accidentally kill himself with a taser to the balls and the story was just made up to disrespect him...
I don't think anyone is shocked.
(Source: https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/capitol-riot-taser-death)
A minute ago my calculator was fine and now, mysteriously, it's not working.
Something just doesn't add up.
Wife asked for popcorn. She was not amused.
I was told not to eat the candy in court...
After all my travel in 2020 was cancelled, I'm now facing the COVID reality that my Spring Break trip is not going to happen either. I just told my suitcases this sad fact...
...and now I'm dealing with the emotional baggage
Not many people know what Mount Rushmore looked like before it was carved
Its beauty was unpresidented
I was left a package this morning. On the front in big red letters it said, "PLEASE DO NOT BEND"
I thought to myself, how the f**k am I supposed to pick it up?
I was spelling out words to my wife so my daughter would not know what we were talking about.
She told me to stop spelling, it was giving her a headache.
Me: “O K”.
If Hermes was the messenger god, the he sure was lucky not to have met the god of pain and old age...
Why was covid not allowed into a bar?
There was a debate whether or not if French fries were cooked in France...
I say they were cooked in Greece.
My son told me he was hungry (not a "Hi Hungry I'm dad." joke)
Me: "You want me to make you a sandwich?"
Son: "Ummm ... sure."
Me: grabs two slices of bread and puts his hand in between them "There, you're a hand sandwich."
You know, I was looking at our ceiling the other day. It’s not the best...
its not mine but i found this and thought it was good so i am sharing it
I was wondering why there are so many stories about vampires in Europe, but not in Africa
and then I realized vampires are killed by holy water...they blessed the rains down in Africa
The guy working in the factory was told he was not strong enough to do the job
He decided to quit by handing in his too weak notice
At a conference there was the most courageous person who went by the name Sam. Before he got on the stage to deliver his impressive speech, all attendees begged him not to sing.
My wife went into labor today, so I read the front page of /r/DadJokes to her as a distraction from the pain. Unfortunately, she didn’t laugh once, was clearly not amused and I have no idea why...
It must have been the delivery...
If a werewolf did not know it was a werewolf
Then it would be an unawarewolf
It’s not that my high school math teacher was mean...
My Doctor told me that I may have a curvature of my upper back but he was not so sure.
What do you call a pasta that's not too bad but could be better if it was cooked a little longer?
My dad refused to accept that he was not hiking in a mountain called Mt. McKinley
TIL the first photo was not from 1826, but in fact over 2000 years earlier in ancient egypt:
"The earliest example of a prosthesis ever discovered is not a leg, arm, or even a fake eye, it’s a toe. A big toe, belonging to a noblewoman, was found in Egypt and dated to between 950-710 B.C.E"
...the very, very first faux toe ;)
Non pun related, the egyptians were the first to grind lenses too, not used as glasses but instead inserted into statues for creepy eye effects
My infant son is a bit constipated. My wife was like "I want to weigh him today" and I said that's not a good idea. She asked why...
Because he is full of shit.
She responded "you shouldn't say that"
I responded "what he just lies all day."
Real convo
There was a time before electricity believe it or not.
Turns out that Lance Armstrong was not only taking drugs...
I told my wife “Honey, there’s a chip in our new bowls!” She was not as impressed.
Do you know what the first "NOT!" Joke ever was?
A man brought his trike to a 4 Wheeler convention but was refused at the door for not following the dress code.
They told him that he was missing attire
I was just sitting on the couch when my friend tells me, “your not even listening to me.”
I thought that’s a very weird way to start a conversation.
In Greek Mythology, Chiron was not only half man and half horse, he was also a doctor of medicine
That made him the centaur for disease control
Why was Sunday not scared of Monday?
Cause Monday was a "weak" day
My son did not watch were he was going and slammed faced down on hard surface
Believe it of not, the punchline is 22,112. "Wun-Wun" was one horse, "Tu-Tu" was one too. Wun-Wun won one race,
I was on a train when I noticed a bully nearby who were harassing another guy sitting next to me. The bully then shoved the other guy, who bumped into my hand. I got up, punched the bully and said "Not on my watch...
..it's a brand-new Rolex."
I tried to believe my son when he said he was not stealing arcs from his geometry class...
But upon checking his backpack, all the sines were there.
What would you call a man who was not breastfed as a child?
You were on a boat, I turned around and looked back, there was not a single person but you, why?
Because they were all married but you
There was no fork to stir my eggs, and though my wife asked me not to use it for this purpose
It was a whisk I had to take
Why was the cooking joke not funny?
Because it didn't pan out
I was confused why there are so many stories about vampires in Europe, but not in Africa.
Then I remembered that vampires are killed by holy water.
They bless the rains down in Africa.
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