Don't know if this was posted here before
A lumberjack was just about to chop down a tree when, miraculously, the tree said, "don't chop me down! I'm a talking tree!"
The lumberjack stepped back and said, "really? well, you'll die a log."
There was a civil war at the North Pole once, but the elves don't talk about it much...
It was a cold war. Also a short war, with little casualties.
It lasted six months. The truce came after the elves realized they'd wasted the whole day fighting.
My wife was a captain in the Army Reserve. She told me she had a promotion and asked me to attend the ceremony. I don’t know much about the Army,
...but I understand this promotion was a major ordeal.
I don't think she was impressed with me
Today is the Ides of March, when Caesar was famously assassinated. But what most people don't know is that he wasn't stabbed, but poisoned, by Hemlock leaves in his salad - hence the name "Caesar's Salad." When Brutus asked how many Hemlock leaves Caesar ingested, Caesar said:
I told my wife I was going to accompany her to get her Covid Vaccine, and see if they could do mine as well. She said they probably wouldn't. I replied, "I don't know..."
I was having a glass of wine with my wife after a long day and I heard her say "I love you so much and always look forward to being with you at the end of the day. I don't know what I'd do without you." "Is that you or the wine talking?" I asked. She replied "It's me...
When I was leaving home for the first time, my dad said to me, "Don't forget to write."
I thought, "That's unlikely. It's a basic skill, isn't it ?"
My wife was commenting on one of our cats and its big belly. I said, "I don't get it. She eats protein all day...
...she's on Catkins."
(one of these days my wife's eyes are gonna get stuck in the eye-rolling position)
I told my daughter when she was whining to me about her new boyfriend... ‘Don’t complain about the road you’re on right now’
I don't know, thought it was funny
Don't you think the shovel was a ground-breaking invention?
(I saw this in a youtube video by Mishkali titled "Attack on Titan Dad Jokes" I'm not sure if she made the joke herself, but credit goes to whoever did.)
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"
So I was wondering why Vampires don't go to Africa
I found out they blessed the rains down in Africa
After I joined the army, I served in a furious war of Iraq , when we came home, I was sent to jail, I don't understand why......
My lieutenant said , fire in the hole and I fired In his hole .
Found on r/blursedcomments. Don’t know if this was already posted
Mom: "The line was too long, I wasn't going to wait" Me: "Well I have patience, something that you don't"
Dad: "She works at a doctor's office, of course she has patients"
I got home from work and our parrot said, "Don't tell my husband", which I thought was rather suspicious.
So I walked upstairs to my wife, whose lipstick was smudged, her skirt a mess.
I said, "Honey, I never knew our parrot was gay."
While waiting in the lobby of a Chinese restaurant, Don was admiring a painting on the wall of a Chinese sailing vessel and said to his friend Mike: “Isn’t that a great looking ship?” Mike replied:
I was going to grow my own tabacco for smoking, but I don't have enough land.
I guess it's just a pipe dream.
I don't think the main character in the new Joker movie was very serious.
In fact, I think he may have been Joaquin.
(I seriously don't get this) A traveling salesman was driving in the country when his car broke down
He hiked several miles to a farmhouse, and asked the farmer if there was a place he could stay overnight.
“Sure,” said the farmer, “my wife died several years ago, and my two daughters are twenty-one and twenty-three, but they’re off to college, and I’m all by myself, so I have lots of room to put you up.”
Hearing this, the salesman turned around and started walking back toward the highway.
The farmer called after him,“Didn’t you hear what I said? I have lots of room.”
“I heard you,” said the salesman, “but I think I’m in the wrong joke.”
I told my friend I don’t see color. He was shocked and said,”But you’ve known me for forever and you’re saying you don’t know I’m black?” Then I said,
“I don’t know man, you look kinda gray to me.”
don't know if it was posted here yet
I met a French guy at my interpreter-training class, we were having conversation about food. And suddenly he said, I like snails.. Why don't Americans eat snails? I was thinking for a second and replied
Because... maybe they like fast food
I went to dinner with a cannibal family I know. The conversation was flowing. Their daughter suddenly piped up “Mummy I don’t like Nanny”. The mother replied...
“Well leave her on the side and just eat your vegetables”.
My dad said the other day, when I was feeling low, 'don't worry it could be worse, you could be in a hole full of water'
I was standing with my friend at a bus stop yesterday when he said to me "I don't think you quite understand irony"
Which was ironic because we were standing at a bus stop
I was checking out at the grocery store and the cashier didn’t put the batteries in the same bag with my food and I said it’s cool go ahead and put them in the same bag I don’t care he looked at me with a straight face and said…
Is that how you get your electrolytes?
I was in a cab one time and got curious. I asked the cabbie if he liked his job. He said, “Oh sure. I’m out of the house, away from my nagging wife and I don’t have anyone telling me what to do.”
I told him, “Turn right at the next corner.”
Don’t know if it was posted here before
I don't understand why the Australian authorities haven't called out the lady sheep to deal with the fires. Everyday, when I was a child, Smokey the Bear was on TV telling me,
"Only EWE can prevent forest fires."
I was at the doctor's yesterday. He said, "You are very overweight, so don’t eat anything fatty."
I asked, "You mean like bacon, sausage and chocolate ?"
He answered, "No fatty. Don't eat anything!"
I own a rabbit farm, but I want to get rid of them. The thing is, I don’t know how to do it, so I was thinking I should call someone to help me with that. Then I thought to myself:
A magician should do the trick.
I was going through my old comments. I don't remember posting it.
My girlfriend was having rough morning getting ready for class... I don't think I helped
So my girlfriend and I are both in college and I'm at her dorm waiting for her to get ready for class. She takes off her glasses and starts looking through her drawer when she says "Aw why did I do this to myself? I ran out of contacts"
I go "Babe, if it's more friends that you need, we can go out tonight and meet new people"
After the usual eye roll she goes "No I wanna see"
To which I reply, "Why would you want a C? I'm shooting for at least a B or an A in all of my classes"
That was probably the heaviest sigh I've ever heard from her
My wife said if I don't help out I'm going to see something. She was right.
After 3 days I could see out of my left eye again.
I don’t know why I was fired from the Viagra factory.......
The surveillance camera showed me hard at work.
A pirate was complaining about the ship's wheel stuck to the front of his pants. "Aye, I don't know how this wheel got here..."
"...but I tells ya this; it drives me nuts!"
It’s hot where we live. Wife was lamenting on how we don’t have A/C.
I said “Honey, we don’t need that modern technology,” pointing at the ceiling fan I continued, “When we’ve got something that’s revolutionary.”
i don’t know why everyone thought 73-year-old Bernie Sanders was too old to run for president four years ago...
...after all, he was in his prime.
I had a doctor’s appointment today but it didn’t go so well. All he did was suck blood out of my neck. Don’t go to Dr. Acula.
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"
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