Don Was Puns

The lumberjack stepped back and said, "really? well, you'll die a log."

It was a cold war. Also a short war, with little casualties.

It lasted six months. The truce came after the elves realized they'd wasted the whole day fighting.

...but I understand this promotion was a major ordeal.

Ate two, Brute.

"It's worth a shot!"

...talking to the wine."

I thought, "That's unlikely. It's a basic skill, isn't it ?"

...she's on Catkins."
(one of these days my wife's eyes are gonna get stuck in the eye-rolling position)

That’s your own asphalt

(I saw this in a youtube video by Mishkali titled "Attack on Titan Dad Jokes" I'm not sure if she made the joke herself, but credit goes to whoever did.)

He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"

I found out they blessed the rains down in Africa

My lieutenant said , fire in the hole and I fired In his hole .

Dad: "She works at a doctor's office, of course she has patients"

So I walked upstairs to my wife, whose lipstick was smudged, her skirt a mess.

I said, "Honey, I never knew our parrot was gay."

“It’s junk”

I guess it's just a pipe dream.

In fact, I think he may have been Joaquin.

He hiked several miles to a farmhouse, and asked the farmer if there was a place he could stay overnight.

“Sure,” said the farmer, “my wife died several years ago, and my two daughters are twenty-one and twenty-three, but they’re off to college, and I’m all by myself, so I have lots of room to put you up.”

Hearing this, the salesman turned around and started walking back toward the highway.

The farmer called after him,“Didn’t you hear what I said? I have lots of room.”

“I heard you,” said the salesman, “but I think I’m in the wrong joke.”

“I don’t know man, you look kinda gray to me.”

Because... maybe they like fast food

“Well leave her on the side and just eat your vegetables”.

I know he means well

Which was ironic because we were standing at a bus stop

Is that how you get your electrolytes?

I told him, “Turn right at the next corner.”

"Only EWE can prevent forest fires."

I asked, "You mean like bacon, sausage and chocolate ?" He answered, "No fatty. Don't eat anything!"

A magician should do the trick.

So my girlfriend and I are both in college and I'm at her dorm waiting for her to get ready for class. She takes off her glasses and starts looking through her drawer when she says "Aw why did I do this to myself? I ran out of contacts"

I go "Babe, if it's more friends that you need, we can go out tonight and meet new people"

After the usual eye roll she goes "No I wanna see"

To which I reply, "Why would you want a C? I'm shooting for at least a B or an A in all of my classes"

That was probably the heaviest sigh I've ever heard from her

After 3 days I could see out of my left eye again.

The surveillance camera showed me hard at work.

"...but I tells ya this; it drives me nuts!"

I said “Honey, we don’t need that modern technology,” pointing at the ceiling fan I continued, “When we’ve got something that’s revolutionary.”

...after all, he was in his prime.

He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"