Don Was Puns

I thought, "That's unlikely. It's a basic skill, isn't it ?"

That’s your own asphalt

(I saw this in a youtube video by Mishkali titled "Attack on Titan Dad Jokes" I'm not sure if she made the joke herself, but credit goes to whoever did.)

I found out they blessed the rains down in Africa

My lieutenant said , fire in the hole and I fired In his hole .

He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"

Dad: "She works at a doctor's office, of course she has patients"

So I walked upstairs to my wife, whose lipstick was smudged, her skirt a mess.

I said, "Honey, I never knew our parrot was gay."

“It’s junk”

I guess it's just a pipe dream.

In fact, I think he may have been Joaquin.

He hiked several miles to a farmhouse, and asked the farmer if there was a place he could stay overnight.

“Sure,” said the farmer, “my wife died several years ago, and my two daughters are twenty-one and twenty-three, but they’re off to college, and I’m all by myself, so I have lots of room to put you up.”

Hearing this, the salesman turned around and started walking back toward the highway.

The farmer called after him,“Didn’t you hear what I said? I have lots of room.”

“I heard you,” said the salesman, “but I think I’m in the wrong joke.”

“I don’t know man, you look kinda gray to me.”

“Well leave her on the side and just eat your vegetables”.

Is that how you get your electrolytes?

Because... maybe they like fast food

I told him, “Turn right at the next corner.”

I know he means well

"Only EWE can prevent forest fires."

Which was ironic because we were standing at a bus stop

I asked, "You mean like bacon, sausage and chocolate ?" He answered, "No fatty. Don't eat anything!"

After 3 days I could see out of my left eye again.

A magician should do the trick.

"...but I tells ya this; it drives me nuts!"

I said “Honey, we don’t need that modern technology,” pointing at the ceiling fan I continued, “When we’ve got something that’s revolutionary.”

The surveillance camera showed me hard at work.

So my girlfriend and I are both in college and I'm at her dorm waiting for her to get ready for class. She takes off her glasses and starts looking through her drawer when she says "Aw why did I do this to myself? I ran out of contacts"

I go "Babe, if it's more friends that you need, we can go out tonight and meet new people"

After the usual eye roll she goes "No I wanna see"

To which I reply, "Why would you want a C? I'm shooting for at least a B or an A in all of my classes"

That was probably the heaviest sigh I've ever heard from her

...after all, he was in his prime.

I'll most likely just buy them a bed instead.

I wonder if it was someone calling from one of those “pyramid schemes.”

I promptly burst out singing: "Cause guilty feet have got no rhythm!"

I got a full-on facepalm out of her. It was excellent.

I then asked him, “Well how do you get there? I’ve tried turning off the lights and everything.”

"By?"

"No, he's straight from what I know."

But it's up there.

The case was clothed

He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"