Big deal. I have had a Canon printer for years.

My dad asked, "so you like both men and women?"

I responded with, "yeah, but I'm not seeing anyone right now"

He said, "so you must be on stand-bi"

But then I saw her face.

She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"

But he was 0K.

A subreddit.

She got up, unplugged my laptop and threw out my beer….

EDIT: Thanks for the kind awards... My first ever! ❤️

Terrible king, but made a great ruler.

Told him to use both and he’d probably find him a lot quicker.

After 3 mins all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence

It was the hardest dump I ever took

I was so concerned I jumped up and ran over to him...

Earlier that day my friend and I who were really into mountain biking had been using really sticky letters to put our names on our bikes. We were working near the general area of the BBQ.

Apparently I had dropped one...

Stuck to the bottom of my dads foot was the letter B....

A legendary dad joke from a legendary dad.

Turns out it's a non-prophet organization

But it’s tasteless.

..no one even raises an eyebrow.

In other words, he was a super-calloused fragile mystic suffering from halitosis.

Its natural beauty was unpresidented

Because he lived in a pen!

So very proud!

It was a shitzu

Later, I realized it was just a phase.

I looked down at my shirt and said, "but I like my polo".

I had to explain it, but once she got it she thought it was hilarious. I'm very proud of this joke.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

But then I saw her face

I guess I have to keep holding it.

They're terms of endeerment.

I said "So it's a well gnome garden".

I laughed harder than he did.

"This is going to revolutionize tables forever!"

The decision was a piece of cake.

I won.

Turns out identity theft is a crime.

... and as you can see, they were Wright

Turns out two heads are better than one.

That shit was bananas.

Now my career is in ruins.

But when I got home all the signs were there

"I never got to know my real ladder."

“Because she has no taste.”

It usually resulted in a long sentence.

Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean

Unfortunately I was part of the control group.

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

“Are you all Wright?!”

Rich exclaimed, "I want lots of money!"

A subreddit.