Christopher Nolan, Leonardo DiCaprio and Matthew McConaughey decide to make a movie together
Nolan says he will direct.
DiCaprio says he will act.
And McConaughey says "I'll write I'll write I'll write"
π︎ 345
π
︎ Oct 25 2020
A man decides to fulfill his lifelong dream of owning a horse, and goes to a local breeder
Not having much knowledge of the animals, he asks the owner to show him around and tell him about different breeds. "Sure, let's go," says the owner, and brings him over to the paddocks.
"So a lot depends on what you want the animal for," he says, and gestures to a powerful stallion running laps. "Over there, you've got your Type A horse: strong, fast, and a little unpredictable, but great if you want to get somewhere in a hurry."
"I think that'd be a little much for me," the man says, and the owner nods, then brings him over to see a mare quietly chomping at some hay in the shade. "This is a Type B horse - tends to be quiet and they're good companions, but not much for doing work."
The man pauses to think about what he wants the animal for, then looks over at a nearby pond and sees a horse swimming and diving over and over again. "What the heck is that one doing?" he asks the owner. "Oh, him? That's a C horse."
π︎ 266
π
︎ Oct 25 2020
My daughter can't decide if she wants to be a neurologist or a proctologist.
I told her to flip a coin... heads or tails.
π︎ 47
π
︎ Nov 08 2020
I bought a mattress today, but canβt decide if itβs firm enough.
π︎ 42
π
︎ Oct 22 2020
The bear couldn't decide whether to go north or south for the winter
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 24 2020
Why did Spider-Man decide to buy a laptop?
So that he could design his own website.
π︎ 17
π
︎ Oct 16 2020
During an organ donation how do doctors decide which kidney to pick?
They pick the right one.
That way there's still one left
π︎ 15
π
︎ Oct 15 2020
Why did the fat Indian girl decide to run a marathon?
She was a very moti-weighted person.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Sep 18 2020
Pope decides on new measures to keep Cardinals on their toes.
He raised the Vatican urinals by 4 inches.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Oct 07 2020
When u decide to write a Love letter π
π︎ 7
π
︎ Aug 25 2020
A prisoner joined a convent and wanted to be a part of their marching band. What instrument did she decide to play?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Sep 28 2020
Justice severed OR Someone took his justice in their own hands CAN'T DECIDE...
π︎ 14
π
︎ Aug 07 2020
Two buddies decide to go ice-fishing one day.
So they get their parkas and snow boots, fishing rods and ice auger, and everything else they need, and go out to find a good spot.
Just as they start to drill a hole in the ice, they hear a great booming voice from above: "There are no fish here!"
"What was that?"
"It sounded like the voice of God!"
"Well let's try somewhere else."
They move away a bit, and settle down to try again. But before they can even start to drill, they hear it again:
"There are no fish here!"
So they pack up and move even farther down the ice. Surely this will be a good spot. But just as they pull out the auger, the voice booms out again:
"Listen you guys, I'm the manager of this ice rink, and I'm telling you there are no fish here!"
π︎ 9
π
︎ Aug 18 2020
Bran Stark sits down for breakfast and suddenly decides he no longer wants to be king.
In other words, bran flakes.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Sep 04 2020
I couldn't decide on which side of the road I wanted to use my loom. On the northbound side the southbound side looked better. And upon crossing to the southbound side, the northbound side looked better. The cops soon arrested me for operating under the influence.
They said I was weaving all over the road.
π︎ 17
π
︎ Aug 30 2020
I couldn't decide whether I should bury or cremate my grandfather.
I decided to do both and put him in a wooden urn. After hearing what I did he wood urn in his grave.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Aug 30 2020
Scientists have discovered a way to drastically slow down global warming, but it would involve destroying the Great Barrier Reef. They can't decide if it's worth it.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Aug 31 2020
True story. Needs your help to decide.
Driving home from the beach last week, my son said he'd like to sky dive. I told him he was crazy. And (here's where we need help) said "I'm not scared of heights". I said "neither am I. I'm scared of widths". We both laughed and couldn't decide if it was indeed a dad joke or not.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Aug 18 2020
Farmers were in an all out war to decide which vegetable they would plant
It was resolved with a Peas Treaty
π︎ 12
π
︎ Aug 13 2020
When Adobe decides to finally end Flash Player, theyβll actually be building something new!
Theyβll be breaking newgrounds!
π︎ 10
π
︎ Aug 15 2020
Two melons decide they want to get married. One suggests they do it in Vegas...
The other says "I'm sorry my mother always said, 'You cantaloupe.'"
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jul 11 2020
I couldn't decide where this meme should be putin, so I decided to post it here
π︎ 31
π
︎ Jun 06 2020
When dads decide to tell a joke
they sentence you to a pun.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Aug 10 2020
The Prime Minister of NZ's kid gets sick at school.. What does the Principal decide?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Aug 09 2020
Me: how about we both decide to go to the carnival?
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jun 27 2020
I don't like having to decide between paper or plastic.
Why can't baggers be choosers?
π︎ 24
π
︎ Jun 11 2020
Did you know the Apollo 11 astronauts arm wrestled to decide who would be the first man on the moon?
π︎ 10
π
︎ Jun 19 2020
How do guards decide who the best prisoner is?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jun 24 2020
We can't decide whether to put in soft pink or baby blue flooring in the nursery
It's an infantile problem
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jun 14 2020
A judge is hearing a case. 'The people V. United Parcel Service' and determines that the trucks area nuisance and a danger to the town. He decides to ban all their trucks from the town and calls his ruling:
'UPS Truck Shun of Justice'
π︎ 2
π
︎ Apr 22 2020
βͺHow do you decide which part of the fish to eat first?β¬
You play heads or tails.β¬
π︎ 6
π
︎ May 12 2020
For a second, I couldnβt decide what underwear to buy.
It was a moment of brief indecision.
π︎ 233
π
︎ Dec 31 2019
A train engineer believed a hospital ship was the site of secret government conspiracy and decides to ram it with his train.
Now that's what I call a loco-motive.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Apr 02 2020
How do strippers decide on collective bargaining rights?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Apr 03 2020
How do you decide what haircut to get?
π︎ 50
π
︎ Jan 10 2020
Why did the man decide to get divorced in Texas?
He remembered the alimony.
π︎ 40
π
︎ Jan 13 2020
Why did the reluctant knight finally decide to join the crusade?
The king offered him a free palace stein
π︎ 3
π
︎ Feb 23 2020
Be careful if you decide to breed rabbits
I've heard that it's a real hare raising experience
π︎ 63
π
︎ Dec 18 2019
Son: Why is my sister named Julianna? Dad: We couldn't decide between Julie and Anna
Son: Thanks dad
Dad: No problem Tedward
π︎ 3
π
︎ Apr 07 2020
How did Pixar decide on a name for the movie about an elderly man who attached balloons to his house?
π︎ 18
π
︎ Mar 03 2020
Building a shelf and couldn't decide on wood type, so I went with most poplar
imgur.com/4HJD9qe
π︎ 29
π
︎ Dec 03 2019
I tried giving a badger two different types of pet food, but he couldn't decide which to eat.
Apparently badgers can't be choosers.
π︎ 37
π
︎ Feb 05 2020
After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music?
Because he had a ton of sick beets.
π︎ 554
π
︎ Apr 05 2019
I couldnβt decide on how much lettuce to buy, until my wife helped me think it through.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
π︎ 254
π
︎ Jun 06 2019
The Supreme Court held a session today to decide whether Justice Ginsburg should step down
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jan 31 2020
I canβt decide if I should get a new matress
Ah well Iβll sleep on it
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jan 16 2020
I wood say this is funny Abut Iβll leaf it up to you guys to decide.
π︎ 762
π
︎ Sep 07 2018
βͺHow do you decide which part of the fish to eat first?β¬
π︎ 2
π
︎ May 12 2020
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