A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren’t very supportive. They kept telling him to “Get with the times...
After I was arrested, my ex-wife decided to hang a picture of my mugshot on the wall in her living room.
But she still won't admit she framed me.
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
After my failed attempt at growing vegetables this year, I've decided to become a music producer.
I've got a ton of sick beets.
My family and friends told me they were 'two tyred' of my puns, that they couldn't 'handle' it any more and needed a 'brake'. So I decided to focus my energy elsewhere and designed these cards which they're all gonna recieve in the mail
Why did the fat Indian girl decide to run a marathon?
She was a very moti-weighted person.
I decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I’m not big enough or strong enough
I’ve just handed in my Too weak notice.
A rich man who got sent to jail decided to pay to upgrade his prison cell.
He is now behind gold bars.
I’ve decided to make an elite army of babies
I’ll call them The Infantry
I decided to rub ketchup in my eyes
In Heinz sight it wasn’t a good idea
My three year old girl asked me, "Where does poo come from?" I was a little uncomfortable but decided to give her an honest explanation, so I explained, "You just ate breakfast, yes?"
"Yes." she replied.
"Well, the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, then whatever is left over, comes out of our bottoms when we go to the toilet! And that, is poo!"
She looked a little perplexed, stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, "And Tigger?"
I decided to have a brain transplant.
My friend decided he wants to be a podiatrist even though I tried to talk him out of it.
I guess he's put his foot down.
Today I’ve finally decided to stop procrastinating!
I decided not to go to Octoberfest this year.
Decided to go to school to become a landscaper.
They're teaching cutting hedge technology over there
I decided to open a sandwich shop in the middle of our residential district...
It'll be called Suburbway.
My wife decided today would be a good day for her water to break.
I decided to watch what i eat
It looks pretty good and delicious, especially the seafood
When u decide to write a Love letter 💌
I’ve decided to give up drinking and replace booze with mashed potato...
I guess you could say I’ll just be getting sMASHED from now on.
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all. Just water it with Kettle One and wok away without really frying. Hopefully it’ll produce a nice stock.
The first 24 hours of existence had passed and God decided to stop working
It was time to call it a day.
A local funk band decided to keep their horn section of cow ghosts, despite them spooking the other members from behind.
Because a herd in the band is worth a boo in the tush.
A prisoner joined a convent and wanted to be a part of their marching band. What instrument did she decide to play?
My next door neighbor and I are good friends, so we decided to share our water supply.
I know a Vietnamese couple who got married and decided to both hyphenate their last names
It was a Nguyen-Nguyen scenario
I dropped a piece of ice, and it slid out of reach. I decided to let it be.
It’s just water under the fridge.
Last night, there was such an amazing stand-up comedian at the party that we decided to raise our glasses filled with alcohol to praise him.
I've decided to learn sign language.
It's a handy way to communicate.
A woodcutter once decided to build his own motor bike. He used wood for the frame, wood for the engine, wood for the brakes, and even a wooden gas tank.
Did he ride it? No. It wooden start
The other day I decided to eat a clock
It was very time consuming
Two buddies decide to go ice-fishing one day.
So they get their parkas and snow boots, fishing rods and ice auger, and everything else they need, and go out to find a good spot.
Just as they start to drill a hole in the ice, they hear a great booming voice from above: "There are no fish here!"
"What was that?"
"It sounded like the voice of God!"
"Well let's try somewhere else."
They move away a bit, and settle down to try again. But before they can even start to drill, they hear it again:
"There are no fish here!"
So they pack up and move even farther down the ice. Surely this will be a good spot. But just as they pull out the auger, the voice booms out again:
"Listen you guys, I'm the manager of this ice rink, and I'm telling you there are no fish here!"
Bran Stark sits down for breakfast and suddenly decides he no longer wants to be king.
In other words, bran flakes.
Justice severed OR Someone took his justice in their own hands CAN'T DECIDE...
I couldn't decide on which side of the road I wanted to use my loom. On the northbound side the southbound side looked better. And upon crossing to the southbound side, the northbound side looked better. The cops soon arrested me for operating under the influence.
They said I was weaving all over the road.
I decided to send my son to a camp to help with his ADHD
They call it a concentration camp
What happened when a strawberry decided to cross the road?
So I decided to get a tan..
Son: So dad, shall I order you a suntan lotion?
Me: No son, get the dad tan lotion.
I couldn't decide whether I should bury or cremate my grandfather.
I decided to do both and put him in a wooden urn. After hearing what I did he wood urn in his grave.
Since quarantine started, I’ve decided to dedicate myself to giving to Charity.
I’m pretty sure that’s not her real name but she sure does like those dollar bills.
Scientists have discovered a way to drastically slow down global warming, but it would involve destroying the Great Barrier Reef. They can't decide if it's worth it.
I’ve decided to put an end to color-based segregation in my household...
...however my wife disagrees, and is no longer letting me use the washing machine.
I have decided to go to a city in SW France to study history and art.
I figure, what do I have Toulouse.
Arsenic, cadmium, and lead decided to start a band.
They were a heavy metal group.
True story. Needs your help to decide.
Driving home from the beach last week, my son said he'd like to sky dive. I told him he was crazy. And (here's where we need help) said "I'm not scared of heights". I said "neither am I. I'm scared of widths". We both laughed and couldn't decide if it was indeed a dad joke or not.
I’ve decided to tell my kids that I want to live my life as a woman
It’s better to be honest, I just want to be transparent
After getting a lot of negative reviews due to their rather poor string section, the LAPD Police Band decided to lose all the strings from their performances.
It was finally the long-awaited end of police violins.
When Adobe decides to finally end Flash Player, they’ll actually be building something new!
They’ll be breaking newgrounds!
So I went to my room and saw 10 ants scrambling around, I felt bad so I decided to build them a home.
I just got back from a long day of duck hunting, so I decided to put my feet up and have my favorite snack.
Farmers were in an all out war to decide which vegetable they would plant
It was resolved with a Peas Treaty
I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer and I don't think I'm quite fit enough for the job.
Therefore I've handed in my 'Too Weak Notice'
My family has been getting stir crazy. So we decided to take our son to the local zoo. Problem is, it’s a small zoo. They only have one animal. It’s a dog.
I decided to divorce my cross eyed wife
We didn't see eye to eye and I think she was seeing someone on the side.
Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy were fighting once when Draco decided to curse Harry with a Hair Growing Spell that grows hair instantly. Ron passed by and said:
I've decided to start making face masks for ducks
Nothing too fancy, but they fit the bill
Who decided to call them “murder hornets”
Due to the state of the pandemic I decided to move to my house boat for a while
And all the vegetables gathered around the meal that lay before them and decided to say grace..
I've decided to sell my roomba,
It was just collecting dust anyway.
Yesterday someone told me that whatever job I do at my bank isn't a fancy one, so I decided to do something about it.
I shifted my seat to look out of the window to stare at the wall directly across the street.
Imma wall street banker now
When dads decide to tell a joke
they sentence you to a pun.
Two melons decide they want to get married. One suggests they do it in Vegas...
The other says "I'm sorry my mother always said, 'You cantaloupe.'"
A man's wife decided to become a whiskey-maker.
Why can't dinosaurs clap.
Just finished playing billiards with my buddy in the Middle East when I decided to play a prank on him.
“Iraq”, I said. Then Iran.
I have decided not to vaccinate my kids.
I believe it's best to let the doctor do it.
Edit: Thanks for the Silver :)
The Prime Minister of NZ's kid gets sick at school.. What does the Principal decide?
Decided I’m gonna open a purse shop in Iraq
Think I’ll call it Bagdad
I'm not brave enough to discover new things in the real world, so I decided to be an Internet Explorer instead.
Sadly even that was to Edge-y for me!
I decided to invent a time machine you wear like a belt
It turned out to be a complete waist of time
I recently broke my iPad, so I decided I'll get a new one.
I couldn't decide where this meme should be putin, so I decided to post it here
Decided on a career change, from the kitchen to medicine. Didn’t last long though.
Turns out that thyme doesn’t heal all wounds.
With so many sporting events being delayed or cancelled, one sports TV outlet decided to televise the 'World Origami Championships'
Willie Nelson and Snoop Dogg have decided to record an album together.
Hey everyone, thanks for keeping this community awesome, but due to several reasons, I've decided to stop making dad jokes, here's why
On Father's Day my family went strawberry picking. Later on, we decided to make a jam...
...from the fruits of our labor
People keep talking about eating clocks here, so I decided to eat one too while I was in line at the DMV.
Sure enough, my weight went up by several minutes.
My neighbour and I became good friends, so we decided to rent a space together to park our cars.
We have....a lot in common.
My boat flipped over during a storm, so I decided to wear it on my head. After all...
The farmer decided to cook the meanest cow he had
Me: how about we both decide to go to the carnival?
My brother and his wife decided to name their baby boy Tinnitus.
He claims it has a nice ring to it.
A British man decided to pick up a hitchhiker with no arms, 1 leg and 3 heads.
He says: " 'ello 'ello 'ello, you look 'armless, hop in!"
I don't like having to decide between paper or plastic.
Why can't baggers be choosers?
My dad decided to get a new car
He got a Ford. When I asked him why, he said: "Because it's the only one I can afford."
Did you know the Apollo 11 astronauts arm wrestled to decide who would be the first man on the moon?
I've decided to marry a pencil
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B
With so many sporting events being delayed or cancelled, one sports TV outlet decided to televise the World Origami Championship.
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