A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge asks her. "First offender?"

She says, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RodimusMajor84
πŸ“…︎ May 11
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I used to be a judge for the world orchestra championships, but I quit because too many of them were coming out with outlandish sob stories to win me over...

Always trying to get the symphony vote.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/T33NW01F
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17
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I only judge men that are tall

I guess you could say I’m judgemental

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sofa-king-dope
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05
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Don’t judge a meal by the look of the first course.

It’s very souperficial.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22
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A proton went before a judge...

... for impersonating a hydrogen atom. The verdict was "guilty as charged".

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/quietconsigliere
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15
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Did you hear that a judge has demanded Dr. Pimple Popper grab any person off the street and remove pus-filled sacs within their skin?

It's a seize and de-cyst order!

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29
🚨︎ report
What did the judge say when she went to the dentist?

Do you swear to take the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth?

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Incromulent
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08
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i created this dont judge.... πŸ™„

Me: mumbles I did not understand this chapter about electricity...
My friend: Watt?

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Flaming_Cash
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04
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When the Wright Brothers were arrested for trespassing at Kitty Hawk, the judge refused to grant them bail...

...he considered them a flight risk.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31
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Joke from my 10 yr old: How do hobbits judge their designs?

They make a Frodo-type.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GovernorZipper
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20
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I made the Judge laugh so hard

I was guilty of Mans laughter.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Derkix5
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15
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My coworker asked me to judge their tan...

I gave it a tan out of tan.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tali3sin
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26
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The owner of the Indianpolis Colts will be in trouble if he has to speak in court, because no matter what he says the judge will think...

That's Irsay.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dawsonju
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28
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For the charge of murder, the judge only gave Ray Liotta and Joe Pesci community service

because they were goodfellas

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sergioarmagh
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07
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Judge: "So, Mr Robot. Your neighbour accused you of stealing their electricity to power yourself. How do you plead?"

The defendant who is a robot: "Guilty as charged"

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 11
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What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the courtroom?

β€œOdour in the court!”

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jaxerfp
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19
🚨︎ report
Judge threw the book at her
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πŸ‘€︎ u/loot98
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
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What did the man say to the judge after running over chickens at a playground?

β€œIn my defense, Your Honor, there were no signs of fowl play”

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dingdongdan69
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
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β€œJudge, 50% of my parking tickets are bogus!”

Judge: Repeat infractions?

Man: Ok..... Judge, half of my parking tickets are bogus!

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
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What do you call a judge who broke the law?

Criminal Justice

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Der-Kommissar-III
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
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Mickey mouse failed to divorce with Minnie mouse because the judges said β€œyou can’t just divorce with someone for being stupid” to which Mickey said:

β€œI didn’t say she was stupid, I said she was fucking Goofy”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/c0olzero
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
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What does a judge get with his whiskey?

Just ice.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sirnogbert88
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
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What do you call a Judge with no thumbs?

Just-his fingers....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bobbylake71
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
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I am a judge for peanut beauty pageants

My job is pretty nuts

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
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A little corny, but who am I to judge?
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/babydoll_bd
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2018
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What kind of dinosaur judges you?

connoisseur

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
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Judge: I hereby find you guilty for all crimes you have been charged with. For sentencing I order you to spend life behind bars without possibility of parole

Criminal: That's a long sentence, I demand a shorter one.

Judge: U did it. Go 2 jail forever.

πŸ‘︎ 526
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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnblu5
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
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Why did the judge set the bail so low for the ostrich charged with assault?

He wasn't a flight risk.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Joesdad65
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2020
🚨︎ report
If a judge loves the sound of his own voice,

expect a long sentence.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
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The cake shows up to the talent show and takes center stage. When the judge asks what is his talent. He replies...

"Icing"

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IronHusker88
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was horse declared as innocent by the judge?

Because he de-neigh-ed everything.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ViShAl2212
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Oh look, The diction-fairy (never judge a girl by her cover) XD
πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yugvijay
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
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Judges being Pundits
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πŸ‘€︎ u/0led_head0
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Judge Dread
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vendetta2115
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2020
🚨︎ report
When I tried to admit new evidence to the trial, the judge threw a Granny Smith at me...

I then remembered it's an apple-late court.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
🚨︎ report
What do judges like to wear?

A law suit

πŸ‘︎ 152
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SkippTheRipper
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the man say when he caught his wife cheating with the judge

Your honor!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BriGuySupreme
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I got an apiarist to judge my beauty pageant

Beauty is, after all, in the eye of the bee holder

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EWL98
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
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Judge: Order in the court!

Me: I'll have a cheeseburger and fries

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/invertedparadoxxx
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the judge say to the dentist?

DO you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/saiyyanwarrior
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18
🚨︎ report
A woman is on trial for beating her significant other with a guitar. β€œFirst offender?” the judge asked.

β€œNo” she replied. β€œFirst a Gibson , then a Fender”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/justbeatitTTD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the judge say to the molar?

Do you swear to tell the tooth and nothing but the tooth?

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jollyflyingcactus
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10
🚨︎ report
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom

Odor in the court!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tpatt83
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the judge say to the dentist?

Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RayInRed
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
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β€œJudge, I want to contest 50% of my parking tickets. I think they are bogus!”

Judge: Repeat infractions?

Man: Ok. I want to contest half of my parking tickets. I think they are bogus.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
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β€œJudge, I want to contest 60% of my parking tickets!”

Judge: Repeat infractions?

Man: Fine. I want to contest 3/5 of my parking tickets!

πŸ‘︎ 934
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
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What do you call a judge without any fingers?

Just his thumbs.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/corpjohnson
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
🚨︎ report

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