A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge asks her. "First offender?"

She says, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 37
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/RodimusMajor84
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 11 2021
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I used to be a judge for the world orchestra championships, but I quit because too many of them were coming out with outlandish sob stories to win me over...

Always trying to get the symphony vote.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 12
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/T33NW01F
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 17 2021
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I only judge men that are tall

I guess you could say I’m judgemental

πŸ‘οΈŽ 23
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/sofa-king-dope
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 05 2021
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Don’t judge a meal by the look of the first course.

It’s very souperficial.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/kickypie
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 22 2021
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A proton went before a judge...

... for impersonating a hydrogen atom. The verdict was "guilty as charged".

πŸ‘οΈŽ 18
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/quietconsigliere
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 15 2021
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Did you hear that a judge has demanded Dr. Pimple Popper grab any person off the street and remove pus-filled sacs within their skin?

It's a seize and de-cyst order!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 20
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 29 2021
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What did the judge say when she went to the dentist?

Do you swear to take the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth?

πŸ‘οΈŽ 11
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Incromulent
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 08 2021
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i created this dont judge.... πŸ™„

Me: mumbles I did not understand this chapter about electricity...
My friend: Watt?

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Flaming_Cash
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 04 2021
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When the Wright Brothers were arrested for trespassing at Kitty Hawk, the judge refused to grant them bail...

...he considered them a flight risk.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 31 2021
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Joke from my 10 yr old: How do hobbits judge their designs?

They make a Frodo-type.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 27
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/GovernorZipper
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 20 2021
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I made the Judge laugh so hard

I was guilty of Mans laughter.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 78
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Derkix5
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 15 2021
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My coworker asked me to judge their tan...

I gave it a tan out of tan.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 12
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/tali3sin
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 26 2021
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The owner of the Indianpolis Colts will be in trouble if he has to speak in court, because no matter what he says the judge will think...

That's Irsay.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/dawsonju
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 28 2021
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For the charge of murder, the judge only gave Ray Liotta and Joe Pesci community service

because they were goodfellas

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/sergioarmagh
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 07 2021
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Judge: "So, Mr Robot. Your neighbour accused you of stealing their electricity to power yourself. How do you plead?"

The defendant who is a robot: "Guilty as charged"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 11
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Testing_things_out
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 11 2021
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What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the courtroom?

β€œOdour in the court!”

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Jaxerfp
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 19 2021
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Judge threw the book at her
πŸ‘οΈŽ 254
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/loot98
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 25 2020
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What did the man say to the judge after running over chickens at a playground?

β€œIn my defense, Your Honor, there were no signs of fowl play”

πŸ‘οΈŽ 12
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/dingdongdan69
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 07 2020
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β€œJudge, 50% of my parking tickets are bogus!”

Judge: Repeat infractions?

Man: Ok..... Judge, half of my parking tickets are bogus!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 41
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 24 2020
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What do you call a judge who broke the law?

Criminal Justice

πŸ‘οΈŽ 17
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Der-Kommissar-III
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 26 2020
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Mickey mouse failed to divorce with Minnie mouse because the judges said β€œyou can’t just divorce with someone for being stupid” to which Mickey said:

β€œI didn’t say she was stupid, I said she was fucking Goofy”

πŸ‘οΈŽ 20
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/c0olzero
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 13 2020
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What does a judge get with his whiskey?

Just ice.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Sirnogbert88
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 06 2020
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What do you call a Judge with no thumbs?

Just-his fingers....

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/bobbylake71
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 21 2020
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I am a judge for peanut beauty pageants

My job is pretty nuts

πŸ‘οΈŽ 43
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/kickypie
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 05 2020
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A little corny, but who am I to judge?
πŸ‘οΈŽ 5k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/babydoll_bd
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 02 2018
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What kind of dinosaur judges you?

connoisseur

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/VeryOriginalName98
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 28 2020
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Judge: I hereby find you guilty for all crimes you have been charged with. For sentencing I order you to spend life behind bars without possibility of parole

Criminal: That's a long sentence, I demand a shorter one.

Judge: U did it. Go 2 jail forever.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 526
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/johnblu5
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 12 2019
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Why did the judge set the bail so low for the ostrich charged with assault?

He wasn't a flight risk.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 28
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Joesdad65
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 06 2020
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If a judge loves the sound of his own voice,

expect a long sentence.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 16
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 15 2020
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The cake shows up to the talent show and takes center stage. When the judge asks what is his talent. He replies...

"Icing"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 19
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/IronHusker88
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 16 2020
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Why was horse declared as innocent by the judge?

Because he de-neigh-ed everything.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ViShAl2212
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 10 2020
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Oh look, The diction-fairy (never judge a girl by her cover) XD
πŸ‘οΈŽ 38
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Yugvijay
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 23 2020
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Judges being Pundits
πŸ‘οΈŽ 34
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/0led_head0
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 06 2020
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Judge Dread
πŸ‘οΈŽ 37
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/vendetta2115
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 30 2020
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When I tried to admit new evidence to the trial, the judge threw a Granny Smith at me...

I then remembered it's an apple-late court.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 24 2020
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What do judges like to wear?

A law suit

πŸ‘οΈŽ 152
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/SkippTheRipper
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 29 2019
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What did the man say when he caught his wife cheating with the judge

Your honor!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/BriGuySupreme
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 20 2020
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I got an apiarist to judge my beauty pageant

Beauty is, after all, in the eye of the bee holder

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/EWL98
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 01 2020
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Judge: Order in the court!

Me: I'll have a cheeseburger and fries

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/invertedparadoxxx
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 10 2020
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What did the judge say to the dentist?

DO you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?

πŸ‘οΈŽ 19
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/saiyyanwarrior
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 18 2021
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A woman is on trial for beating her significant other with a guitar. β€œFirst offender?” the judge asked.

β€œNo” she replied. β€œFirst a Gibson , then a Fender”

πŸ‘οΈŽ 360
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/justbeatitTTD
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 03 2020
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What did the judge say to the molar?

Do you swear to tell the tooth and nothing but the tooth?

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/jollyflyingcactus
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 10 2021
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What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom

Odor in the court!!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 45
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/tpatt83
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 29 2020
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What did the judge say to the dentist?

Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?

πŸ‘οΈŽ 21
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/RayInRed
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 18 2020
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β€œJudge, I want to contest 50% of my parking tickets. I think they are bogus!”

Judge: Repeat infractions?

Man: Ok. I want to contest half of my parking tickets. I think they are bogus.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 23 2020
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β€œJudge, I want to contest 60% of my parking tickets!”

Judge: Repeat infractions?

Man: Fine. I want to contest 3/5 of my parking tickets!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 934
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 31 2019
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What do you call a judge without any fingers?

Just his thumbs.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/corpjohnson
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 20 2020
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