A woman is on trial for beating her significant other with a guitar. β€œFirst offender?” the judge asked.

β€œNo” she replied. β€œFirst a Gibson , then a Fender”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/justbeatitTTD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
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Judge threw the book at her
πŸ‘︎ 253
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πŸ‘€︎ u/loot98
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
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What did the man say to the judge after running over chickens at a playground?

β€œIn my defense, Your Honor, there were no signs of fowl play”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dingdongdan69
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
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What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom

Odor in the court!!

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tpatt83
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
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What did the judge say to the dentist?

Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RayInRed
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
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β€œJudge, 50% of my parking tickets are bogus!”

Judge: Repeat infractions?

Man: Ok..... Judge, half of my parking tickets are bogus!

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
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What do you call a judge who broke the law?

Criminal Justice

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Der-Kommissar-III
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
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Mickey mouse failed to divorce with Minnie mouse because the judges said β€œyou can’t just divorce with someone for being stupid” to which Mickey said:

β€œI didn’t say she was stupid, I said she was fucking Goofy”

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/c0olzero
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
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What do you call a Judge with no thumbs?

Just-his fingers....

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bobbylake71
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
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What kind of dinosaur judges you?

connoisseur

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
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What does a judge get with his whiskey?

Just ice.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sirnogbert88
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
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I am a judge for peanut beauty pageants

My job is pretty nuts

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
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β€œJudge, I want to contest 50% of my parking tickets. I think they are bogus!”

Judge: Repeat infractions?

Man: Ok. I want to contest half of my parking tickets. I think they are bogus.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
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Why did the judge set the bail so low for the ostrich charged with assault?

He wasn't a flight risk.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Joesdad65
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2020
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Why was horse declared as innocent by the judge?

Because he de-neigh-ed everything.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ViShAl2212
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
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What did the man say when he caught his wife cheating with the judge

Your honor!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BriGuySupreme
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
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If a judge loves the sound of his own voice,

expect a long sentence.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
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The cake shows up to the talent show and takes center stage. When the judge asks what is his talent. He replies...

"Icing"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IronHusker88
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
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When I tried to admit new evidence to the trial, the judge threw a Granny Smith at me...

I then remembered it's an apple-late court.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
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What do you call a judge without any fingers?

Just his thumbs.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/corpjohnson
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
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Oh look, The diction-fairy (never judge a girl by her cover) XD
πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yugvijay
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
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Judge: I hereby find you guilty for all crimes you have been charged with. For sentencing I order you to spend life behind bars without possibility of parole

Criminal: That's a long sentence, I demand a shorter one.

Judge: U did it. Go 2 jail forever.

πŸ‘︎ 528
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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnblu5
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
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I got an apiarist to judge my beauty pageant

Beauty is, after all, in the eye of the bee holder

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EWL98
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
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The judge in our divorce ordered me to give my wife one side of the house /r/funny/comments/hsck8b/…
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/daakadence
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
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Judges being Pundits
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πŸ‘€︎ u/0led_head0
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Judge Dread
πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vendetta2115
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2020
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If I were a Judge,

I'd change my surname to Mental.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2020
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Judge: I order you to pay $10,000.

Mario: Why? Judge: It's a fine. Mario: No, itsa not.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mama_Bear15
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2020
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β€œJudge, I want to contest 60% of my parking tickets!”

Judge: Repeat infractions?

Man: Fine. I want to contest 3/5 of my parking tickets!

πŸ‘︎ 938
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
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My dad always used to say " you should never judge a book by its cover"

And its for that reason, that he lost his job as chairman of the British Book Cover Awards panel

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shoaibnasiri
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
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You know what I said when the 7' judge banged their gavel?

That's a tall order

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MadOldLogan
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2020
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A little corny, but who am I to judge?
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/babydoll_bd
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2018
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[In court] Judge: After seeing all the evidence, I am sending you to jail.

Defendant: Say-you-did-what.

Judge: What did you say?

Defendant: Thanks for reversing my sentence.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Judge: Order in the court!

Me: I'll have a cheeseburger and fries

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/invertedparadoxxx
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2020
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What do judges like to wear?

A law suit

πŸ‘︎ 147
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SkippTheRipper
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2019
🚨︎ report
A judge is hearing a case. 'The people V. United Parcel Service' and determines that the trucks area nuisance and a danger to the town. He decides to ban all their trucks from the town and calls his ruling:

'UPS Truck Shun of Justice'

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UnexampledSalt
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
🚨︎ report
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, "First offender?"

She says, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!”

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sardonicuis
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I noticed a Judge stress eat.

Everytime things went wrong, she yelled 'order order'.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madjholu
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a crazy judge?

Judgmental

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/logoman4
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2020
🚨︎ report
What drink did the judge order?

Just ice

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/J3ST3RR
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
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[In a courtroom] Lawyer: Judge, you a complete moron are!!

Judge: That’s out of order.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
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Judge to Mario... I order you to pay Β£10000

Mario: Why?

Judge: It's a fine

Mario: (Sadly) No its a not

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElderHallow
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2020
🚨︎ report

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