What does a judge get with his whiskey?

Just ice.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sirnogbert88
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06
🚨︎ report
I am a judge for peanut beauty pageants

My job is pretty nuts

πŸ‘︎ 45
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05
🚨︎ report
When I tried to admit new evidence to the trial, the judge threw a Granny Smith at me...

I then remembered it's an apple-late court.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24
🚨︎ report
Why was horse declared as innocent by the judge?

Because he de-neigh-ed everything.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ViShAl2212
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10
🚨︎ report
What do you call a judge without any fingers?

Just his thumbs.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/corpjohnson
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20
🚨︎ report
The cake shows up to the talent show and takes center stage. When the judge asks what is his talent. He replies...

"Icing"

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/IronHusker88
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16
🚨︎ report
Why did the judge set the bail so low for the ostrich charged with assault?

He wasn't a flight risk.

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Joesdad65
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06
🚨︎ report
The judge in our divorce ordered me to give my wife one side of the house /r/funny/comments/hsck8b/…
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/daakadence
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16
🚨︎ report
If a judge loves the sound of his own voice,

expect a long sentence.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15
🚨︎ report
I got an apiarist to judge my beauty pageant

Beauty is, after all, in the eye of the bee holder

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/EWL98
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01
🚨︎ report
My dad always used to say " you should never judge a book by its cover"

And its for that reason, that he lost his job as chairman of the British Book Cover Awards panel

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shoaibnasiri
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23
🚨︎ report
If I were a Judge,

I'd change my surname to Mental.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12
🚨︎ report
You know what I said when the 7' judge banged their gavel?

That's a tall order

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MadOldLogan
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25
🚨︎ report
Judge: I order you to pay $10,000.

Mario: Why? Judge: It's a fine. Mario: No, itsa not.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mama_Bear15
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12
🚨︎ report
Oh look, The diction-fairy (never judge a girl by her cover) XD
πŸ‘︎ 41
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Yugvijay
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23
🚨︎ report
[In court] Judge: After seeing all the evidence, I am sending you to jail.

Defendant: Say-you-did-what.

Judge: What did you say?

Defendant: Thanks for reversing my sentence.

πŸ‘︎ 37
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 07
🚨︎ report
Judges being Pundits
πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/0led_head0
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06
🚨︎ report
Judge Dread
πŸ‘︎ 39
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/vendetta2115
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30
🚨︎ report
Judge: Order in the court!

Me: I'll have a cheeseburger and fries

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/invertedparadoxxx
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10
🚨︎ report
A judge is hearing a case. 'The people V. United Parcel Service' and determines that the trucks area nuisance and a danger to the town. He decides to ban all their trucks from the town and calls his ruling:

'UPS Truck Shun of Justice'

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/UnexampledSalt
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22
🚨︎ report
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, "First offender?"

She says, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!”

πŸ‘︎ 46
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sardonicuis
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24
🚨︎ report
I noticed a Judge stress eat.

Everytime things went wrong, she yelled 'order order'.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madjholu
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22
🚨︎ report
Judge: I hereby find you guilty for all crimes you have been charged with. For sentencing I order you to spend life behind bars without possibility of parole

Criminal: That's a long sentence, I demand a shorter one.

Judge: U did it. Go 2 jail forever.

πŸ‘︎ 525
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/johnblu5
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a crazy judge?

Judgmental

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/logoman4
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17
🚨︎ report
What drink did the judge order?

Just ice

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/J3ST3RR
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12
🚨︎ report
[In a courtroom] Lawyer: Judge, you a complete moron are!!

Judge: That’s out of order.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15
🚨︎ report
A lazy traffic judge told all the defendants to get in a line by last name alphabetically, and after hearing all the other cases arrested Jill Abbey

He found her to be out of order

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/darkstarman
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23
🚨︎ report
What do judges like to wear?

A law suit

πŸ‘︎ 147
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SkippTheRipper
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2019
🚨︎ report
β€œJudge, I want to contest 60% of my parking tickets!”

Judge: Repeat infractions?

Man: Fine. I want to contest 3/5 of my parking tickets!

πŸ‘︎ 934
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
🚨︎ report
β€œJudge, I want to contest 50% of my parking tickets.”

Judge: Repeat infractions?

Man: Sure. I want to contest half of my parking tickets!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24
🚨︎ report
Judge to Mario... I order you to pay Β£10000

Mario: Why?

Judge: It's a fine

Mario: (Sadly) No its a not

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ElderHallow
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15
🚨︎ report
What did the ion say when brought before the Judge?

Guilty as charged!

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shagminer
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11
🚨︎ report
A man went into a toy store and ripped the arms off of every teddy bear in the store. Why did the judge let him go free?

He had the right to bear arms.

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Roivas14
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04
🚨︎ report
A little corny, but who am I to judge?
πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/babydoll_bd
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2018
🚨︎ report
Why do judges not like to go out into the sun?

It helps them remain fair

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/vanrocks
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2019
🚨︎ report
The alcoholic lawyer got his license revoked by the judge.

He kept going to disbar.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14
🚨︎ report
A policeman accidentally arrested a judge who had dressed as a convict for a costume party. That cop learned never to book a judge by his cover.
πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/redwitch-fr
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2019
🚨︎ report
How do Lizards judge an egg?

They use Scales

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Iccotak
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14
🚨︎ report
A worker, An Lawer and a Judge walk into a bar

It hurts

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jackiswag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Convict: I plead not guilty Judge: What is your defense

Convict: Well if u r what you eat, I'm an innocent man.

(Credit to my man Bryce)

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tricky_Nick007
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Don't judge a brick by its color
πŸ‘︎ 42
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/blazinfastjohny
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear a judge caught a man stealing luggage?

It was a brief case

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JezyJezyJezy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Is a judge's gown a law suit?
πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SaveFile1
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Hit the hammer that judges have and says β€œworm court is in session”. Then says

β€œAll writhe”

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Babyblu4321
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2019
🚨︎ report
I once heard a man insult the loveable Terry Crews. I waanted to beat the shit out of him, but I knew karmic justice would judge him fairly.

He died from dysentery.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fermatajack
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the judge order when they went up to the bar?

Just ice

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a judge from a lower court when they go nuts?

Judgmental

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/stor_e_teller
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
🚨︎ report
It's hard to judge the size of boobs under a shirt...

...because they're below see level

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/uraffululz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2019
🚨︎ report
A woman was found guilty and the judge declared she will serve 10 years in prison or she can sleep with him. He got in trouble for

Ending a sentence with a proposition.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/justryingtokeepup
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I asked the judge to shorten my sentence and

he interrupted me

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Don't judge me for my kinks.
πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/denman420
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the judge do to the words?

He sentenced them.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jippy1707
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2019
🚨︎ report
The doc gave me 6 months to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 20 years
πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2019
🚨︎ report
The jury found me guilty. I asked the judge what the punishment would be, and he said: "Well..."

Suspended sentence

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2019
🚨︎ report
"This is the seventh time in three years that you are appearing in front of me," said the judge, "What do you have to say for yourself?" "But your honor," came the reply,

"It's surely not my fault that you haven't been promoted."

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the dentist who switched jobs to become a judge?

He wanted the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/maryfountain
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Judge: How do you plead?

Me: I didn't do it, in a sense...

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bsjay
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the judge say to the dentist?

Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the judge allow the proctologist’s testimony?

It was probative

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2019
🚨︎ report
I surprised the judges at my last diving competition by performing a cannonball.

I made a huge splash

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2019
🚨︎ report
β€œJudge, I’m here to dispute 60% of my tickets!”

Judge: Repeat infractions?

Man: Fine. I’m here to dispute 3/5 of my tickets.

πŸ‘︎ 127
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Judge: I've decided to give your ex $3,000 in child support.

Me: Thank you, your honor. I'll also try to give her something myself.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when the Italian mafia bribes the judges of the Tony awards so they can control who wins?

Rigatoni.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheLastJoe
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2019
🚨︎ report
β€œJudge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!!”

Judge: Repeat infractions?

Man: Ok. 3/5 of my tickets are bogus!!

πŸ‘︎ 293
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2018
🚨︎ report
I was selected by a prominent judge to dress funny and make strange faces in public. I am not mad, I am justice appointed.
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2019
🚨︎ report
I was attending a noisy legal hearing, and the Judge started yelling, β€œOrder! Order in the courtroom!”

So I said, β€œA pastrami on rye, please.”

πŸ‘︎ 40
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2019
🚨︎ report
I judge bad situations on how my siblings react

Today is a cry-sis crisis

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CVSSR
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a judge with no fingers?

Justice Thumbs!

πŸ‘︎ 104
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/26Jona26
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2018
🚨︎ report
A judge was deafened by the sound of a gunshot and ended up in the hospital.

They say that he would be missing today's hearing.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Why can farmers with two donkeys not be fair judges?

They’re bi-assed.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sunlightbender
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2019
🚨︎ report
A man walks into a bar looking depressed. Bar tender asks whats wrong? Man says its his 50th wedding anniversary. And that when he was a teenager he got his girl friend pregnant. And to make it worse the father was a Judge and he told me if i did'nt marry his daughter i would go to Jail for 50 year

Today I could be a free man !

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/manicmoose13
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2018
🚨︎ report
Judge going to a dentist
πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Athena123YT
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you say to a kindly judge in the old west?

Howdy, pardoner.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/johngreenink
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2019
🚨︎ report
What's the difference between Judge Judy & a melting skating rink?

One brings people to justice, whilst the other brings people to just ice.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JoshP99
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a judge who is into puns?

A punisher

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/God_Of_Pores
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2018
🚨︎ report
A guy is sent before a judge. Judge asks the guy if he had ever been up before him in the past.

Guy says I don't know judge what time do you get up ?

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/manicmoose13
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2019
🚨︎ report
What do judges and proctologists have in common?

They both specialize in doo process

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/garboooge
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Me: "Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!!" reddit.com/r/Jokes/commen…
πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mariovers
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2018
🚨︎ report
After the judge farted in the courtroom

He noticed an odor in the court

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/backup41
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2019
🚨︎ report
During a trial, the judge called me egotistical and conceited.

I am appealing.

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2018
🚨︎ report
Why do judges have to bring beverages to the courthouse cafeteria

Because just ice is served

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/oyohval
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2018
🚨︎ report
The judge had no problem sentencing the man who killed his wife on her way to yoga class, for 1st degree murder...

...stating it was pre-meditative.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/globalklaus
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2018
🚨︎ report
No one person can be judge, jury, and executioner

But with a job change, we could have Judge Judy, Executioner

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/geodesic42
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2019
🚨︎ report
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, β€˜First offender?

’ She says, β€˜No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!’

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2019
🚨︎ report
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, β€˜First offender?

’ She says, β€˜No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!’

πŸ‘︎ 43
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2019
🚨︎ report
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, β€˜First offender?

’ She says, β€˜No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!’

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
🚨︎ report
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, "First offender?" She says, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!”
πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ruchi565
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
🚨︎ report
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge asks her, "First offender?" She says, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!"
πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ruchi565
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2019
🚨︎ report
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, β€˜First offender?

’ She says, β€˜No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!’

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear a judge caught a man stealing luggage?

It was a brief case

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JezyJezyJezy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2019
🚨︎ report
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, β€˜First offender?

’ She says, β€˜No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!’

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2019
🚨︎ report
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says "first offender?" She says,

No, first a Gibson, then a fender

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sykadelik_
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when the Italian mafia bribes the judges of the Tony awards so they can control who wins?

Rigatoni.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheLastJoe
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a judge with no thumbs?

Justice Fingers

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FannyCradock
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2019
🚨︎ report

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